Being Free and Feeling Safe

Even though I've been away from harm and danger since I left my parents house thirty years ago, I continued to carry the fear I felt every day during my early formative years. The old pattern of being scared was locked in.

  No More

Fear of Being Forgotten

I'm really enjoying using my own photos and creating my own picture quotes:)

I find and use words that have personal meaning to me.

Never feeling good enough

Still feeling pretty sick

Maybe everyday I'm a little less tired, crabby and ill. Still feel quite sick. Nauseous, exhausted, achy, sore and perpetually uncomfortable. Not up to 30% functional yet. Lots of time to think and drift.
 

I don't like to talk about myself

As long as I can remember, I've been an intensely private person. I think it's inherent, not directly related to my abusive past or autistic nature. Maybe that's one reason it stymies me that anyone would think I'd speak of all the abuse for selfish needs or want of being in the spotlight. I'm really good at shying away from attention and the limelight, living a semi-content, quiet life in a little, pleasant town. Just a respectable, kind person who keeps to herself and rarely has an unkind word to say about anyone.
  It's been quite a struggle being so introverted and twice thrust into the public eye. My youngest, with the obvious physical disability attracts attention everyday, wherever we go. It's just a given. My other child, well, that was a front page spectacle for months...effects still linger in people's eyes, wayward glances and thinly veiled questions.
  Me, I'm the epitome of contradiction between how and where I find peace and solace, versus the recent events in my life this past decade. I am non sense.
 I'm calling, yet more...scrutiny and attention to myself by publicly stating the irrevocable and, hmm, explosive truths of my early years. I go rogue public because it helps me heal and allows others to know its okay and healthy to freely reveal childhood sexual abuses. I break down barriers, taboos, walls, in hopes of helping victims past, present and future. It is the only way. Logic, and the overall ability to help others negates my desire for quiet solitude.
 I don't call names or point fingers unless absolutely necessary, unless I can help spare someone a fraction of the pain I endure.
I can define evil: the conscious willingness and effort to inflict harm, pain and suffering onto someone unable to escape, fight back or who is helpless. I know of evil. Adults, with full knowledge of their faculties, seductively, secretly, enlist children, their own or someone else's, and perpetrate sexual acts of fondling, molestation, sodomy and rape, every day of every week, of every years, thousands of times every single month. It will always be "okay" to rape children and commit incest, until we stand up and shout, "No More!" What happened to me was not okay. I will speak out Loudly.
  Keep it secret and this scourge against children will continue, proliferate in the secrecy and the "it didn't happen to me. I don't want to rock this family boat."
 Do you have any idea how much it pains me ....to have to continually shout!! When I'd love nothing more than a soft bed, a hug and whispers of peace.....to be left alone. But no, my father via his child molesting crimes and mother in her ignorant, ridiculous denial, propel me to continually live out loud, speaking publicly, way outside of what I had dreamed and imagined for myself.
 You can call me a warrior, a rebel, a rogue, but I don't claim such titles with any sense of ease. It's more of duty, obligation and humanity. I'm not out to defame or slander anyone, but if I 100% know you committed a crime, many crimes, against children no less, I will publicly, vehemently, most loudly call you out on it. Do not blame the children, the innocent, naive, trusting children for the evil perpetrated on them by adults.
  Do not carry the shame, blame and displaced guilt. Keep not the secret torment locked away inside. All child Abusers need to be held accountable for their crimes, accepting responsibility for their deliberate actions. They need jail time, counseling and to be locked away to protect society.
 I wish I coud be an intensly, private person....circumstances dictate that I must help others and heal myself.
 Be well.

Dissociative Identity Disorder..a good explanation

Dissociative Identity Disorder Terminology DSM-5 References

Alters are highly distinct, dissociated personality states with amnesia between at least two of the states The DSM-5 uses the term, personality state, when referencing the alternative selves found in dissociative identity disorder. Regardless of the terminology used, the determination is that individuals with this disorder have highly distinct and dissociated personality states, as opposed to the continuity experienced with multiple self states in others. [Boon, 2011, p.25]  In dissociative identity disorder these separate states that make up the personality are called alters, identities, personalities, sides, selves, ANP, EP and so on. (Gillig,2009)   I. Personality A sum of our partsAn individual with or without dissociative identity disorder is a sum of all the parts of their personality. (Howell, 2011 p.7-8, 32) There is no original personality  The personality is made up of the ANP and EP, and sometimes parts that are a mixture of both, and all are dissociated aspects of an individuals one personality. (van der Hart, 2006, p. ) No one part is who the person was meant to be. To make this perfectly clear, no part is the original.  (Miller, 2011, p. 21) Distinct sense of self  Often EP and ANP in those with dissociative identity disorder have a sense of self that is separate from other parts of the personality system.  (Howell, 2011 p.55) This separateness can be seen in speech mannerisms, physical behavior, handwriting, somatic illness, sense of body and history.  (Howell, 2011 p.55-57). Amnesia - dissociative boundaries Dissociative boundaries that are highly impermeable are responsible for the amnesia that is present between the parts in those with dissociative identity disorder to one degree or another. [Howell, 2011 p.134] Not all parts in those with dissociative identity disorder have amnesia between them. (Howell, 2011 p.4) In fact, by the time an individual is an adult, or at least after they have done a great deal of therapy, they have probably obtained coconsciousness between many parts. (Howell, 2011 p.7-8) Third reality - inner world ANP and EP both exist in what is called a third reality, (Kluft, 1998, 2000) although not all parts are active inside. The parts that often are not are the ANP, and it's very common that those who experience the inner world have no recall of it when they are in executive control. The inner world can be extravagant and is only limited by imagination or what researchers call trance logic. Trance logic simply means what the part in the inside world feels is real to them. (Howell, 2011 p.70-71) The concept of personality  Any alter, ANP or EP will experience major deficits in self-awareness and functioning. No part of the personality is complete in those with dissociative identity disorder, including the ANP that function in day to day life.  (Howell, 2011 p.134) II. Switching Switching of states is also known as full dissociation  Those with dissociative identity disorder tend to switch, replacing the one in executive control with another, when there is a perceived psychosocial threat. Switching allows a distressed state to retreat while a state who is more competent comes forward to handle an emerging situation. (Herman, 2012) Full switching is between states that have full amnesia between them. (Howell, 2011 p.4-6) Partial dissociation When parts inside influence the part in executive control, this is known as partial dissociation. (Dell, 2006) Examples include limbs and the face moving on their own, smelling an odor, emotions and so on. They can also be the withdrawal of experience resulting in the one in charge not experiencing thoughts and emotions. (Howell, 2011 p.4-6) III. States making up the personality  Most authors are moving toward using the terms ANP, apparently normal part, and EP, emotional part. Apparently normal parts are who are in control of an individual the majority of the time, at least once the individual is an adult and safe from an abusive environment. ANP do not hold trauma memory, but instead go about the business of daily life. They are usually oblivious to having the disorder, and even after other parts are well known, ANP may not be. ANP can be so similar that they switch between themselves all day and no one has a clue this is happening, including them. EP on the other hand, are the parts that hold trauma memories. EP took over for a child during abuse and can still act childish and react with childlike emotion. EP can intrude that emotion onto ANP without taking over fully so that ANP feels like it is their own emotion. (van der Hart, 2006) Apparently normal part (ANP)Back in the 1980's most referred to the usually presenting state as the host, but the term host is misleading for many reasons, including the fact that all states can act as the host, and all states in the personality system are equally important. It is more accurate to use the term ANP. The ANP has normal emotions and is usually in charge to a greater extent once the individual is an adult and out of their abusive childhood environment.  (van der Hart, 2006, p. 30, 73-88) These states usually do not have access to unprocessed trauma memories. It's not that they have forgotten anything. It's that the specific part was not aware during the period that the abuse was done to the individual.  (Miller, 2011, p. 22) ANP normally have no idea they are not the whole self, at least until they become aware of their illness. There are often many ANP that answer to the birth name, and even in individuals that fully experience many of their dissociative states do not realize that there are more than one state switching back and forth, making up the part that is in executive control the majority of the time. To not be aware is due to the ANP's denial of what is going on, and their extreme dissociation, rather than EP or other ANP hiding from them. (van der Hart, 2006, p. 80)  Emotional Part (EP)These states hold unprocessed trauma memories, (Ross, 2013, p. 82) and they can be simple or highly evolved states. They are easily triggered by unprocessed memories and will react in a way that is entirely out proportion to the situation.  They may take over completely or may intrude their feelings onto ANP, and the dissociated ANP usually has no clue what is going on and thinks  irrational feelings are their own. (van der Hart, 2006, p. 73-88) Mixture of ANP and EP If a child is under constant threat, a complex mixture of ANP and EP can result. These children will almost always have an over abundance of dissociated states compared to most with dissociative identity disorder. When the child is rarely safe, they confuse the usual boundaries of the states, at least in appearance. When looking closely the properties that make the states distinctly EP or ANP are present. (van der Hart, 2006, p. 78) Observing EP Everyone probably has a part of their personality that passively observes, but like all states in dissociative identity disorder the observing EP is more evolved, distinct and of course dissociated. (van der Hart, 2006,p.67-70) These EP have described themselves as being able to hear and see all other states in a personality system at one time - if and when they want to. Mind control  The observing EP might be confused with "Recorders. (Miller, 2011, p. 254-255)

Living with Lyme Disease

I was diagnosed with Lyme disease a couple years ago. I've had some success with acupuncture and antibiotics. I'm currently involved in a flare-up. I stopped both the acupuncture and antibiotics for a couple weeks. I thought maybe the Lyme was gone. I was wrong.
 Here's what happens to let me know my Lyme is acting up. 1) I start sleeping twice as much. 2) I'm constantly tired, fatigue gets to the point that I can barely get up and move about. 3) I get sudden onset arthritis, usually in my fingers. 4) I get headaches. Overall, it feels like I have a chronic flu with digestive disturbances, bad aches and pains, overwhelming fatigue.
 So I started back up on the antibiotics. Things get worse before they get better. The antibiotics cause a toxic Lyme bacteria die off, and all my symptoms get double worse until my body can get rid of some of the toxins.  I sweat, get chills, start itching all over. These symptoms mean the bacteria are dying off. Very uncomfortable.
 My current regiment is antibiotics 2x daily, gluthione supplement, lemon juice, cranberry juice, activated charcoal, acupressure points, acidopholis, Benadryl and rest. When it just hurts too damn bad, I take pain pills. I am miserable. Unable to do much but lay around on the couch. I need to schedule acupuncture, many appointments, soon. It has proven to greatly help my body.
 I do what I can. I continue to read about Lyme and various treatments. I have to venture to the health food store to restock supplies as soon as I'm able.
 Brain fog often accompanies these flare-ups. I'm a bit slow in the head but I think I'm a bit better than yesterday.
 Just living with the Lyme.