I had a dream...last night, that I was a midwife and I had already delivered two babies. I could see them resting in that blue clothing basket and I was attempting to deliver a third. This one, simply would not budge and did not want to be born. I was very frustrated and really did not want to be there. It was wedged in pretty darn tight and simply was refusing to exit.
Analysis, I have been "reborn" or undergone tremendous transformations twice previously in this lifetime. The first was after Eldest was born. The second was within a year of Younglinks birth. And this third...well...I'm guessing this is all about me and the current situations that are engulfing my existence. Its proving to be a bit of a challenge, but I'm up for it.
So I'm watching Juno, twas the other night, and I like the movie. Here is a smart young girl who finds herself in a difficult situation and handles it with courage and foresight. Of course it helps that her boyfriend, the father of her baby, is very Aspian with his linear, dry, non-emotional state of being.
Anyway, when they get to the part where its delivery time, I found myself doing what I do with every seen of birthing...I changed the channel until it was over. Obviously, I can see that there is something quite uncomfortable regarding my thinking about my two deliveries...so I thought I would expound on that a bit, as much as I am comfortable "going there", because there is healing to be done. And if the past few months have taught me anything, it is that one of my main purposes in this life, my full-time job/ career/ vocation is to do just that...heal and become whole again.
So I decided that I wanted to have a child. Long story short, I met someone and became pregnant on the first try. And I knew that I was pregnant, like, the next day. My biggest indicator was that my breathing suddenly became very, very deep and relaxed. Pregnancy hormones are a mixed bag but i really enjoyed these introductory ones.
Being pregnant and having Aspergers is like walking a very fine line. My privacy was compromised. There was a certain amount of finding new boundaries between the people that could help me and assist in my having a healthy pregnancy and maintaining my sense of ...dignity and self-control. Being pregnant was having/ accepting that I was no longer completely in control of my own physical being.
It was scary. While, yes, my mother had given birth to 8 siblings younger than me, I really wasn't paying much attention to the whole process. True, I had one very close friend but I did not have anything even resembling a support system other than my friend, Lis. There were no mothers, aunts, family friends to share experiences with...I just pretty much kept to myself.
Personally, I enjoyed being pregnant...I was pretty darn happy about this new growing human. Overall, I felt good physically and emotionally.
See, now it gets a bit murky....giving birth is...for lack of better terminology very embarrassing. As anyone who has read many an alien blog post knows, embarrassment is the lowest and most upsetting form of emotation. In my very visual sense, embarrassment is akin to laying on your back, on the floor, eyes shut tight in a silent plea and mouth agape as if wanting to scream but the only sound is gurgling, drowning as others mindlessly walk all over you and you simply can not get up.
Humiliating is too strong of a word so i have to settle for strongly embarrassing.
I ended up with private one-on-one prenatal classes because I wasn't able to sit still through the regular classroom full of parents and i couldn't follow along due to distractability. So that actually was a very good move.
But reading and learning about something and experiencing it were two very, very different animals.
Birth, as anyone who has been through it minus that epidural can attest to, is a very intense experience in many ways. Pretty mind blowing and...talk about sensory overload...omg. Intense to the extreme.
Yeah, it still feels pretty uncomfortable to talk about but this is a good start.
I don't know, maybe i felt that I behaved in a foolish manner or should have been a bit more...oh...quiet....I was very loud. And that is really very embarrassing for me to be soooo...out there and feeling, really out-of-control.
Oh and the vulnerability....ouch...yeah..I felt quite vulnerable and helpless.
And people weren't making fun of me...I don't think...it was just a fragile state of being and all very new for me.
Funny, the happiest moment of my life was seeing that little Eldest the second he was born...well, actually a few seconds after that as it was really when he was in my arms that I felt the happiest that I can remember. So, it was definitely all worth it. I had never felt so worthy of being on the planet as I did at that moment. I felt complete and like i had just done the greatest thing in my entire life....and boy was i scared.
I think that I will leave it at that...
