Speaking of truth...its chilly out, around 37 degrees. The snow speaks more truth than the sunshine.
Its quite odd to write about what I am afraid of. I have played the part of Great Pretender for ages now. People like it when you pretend to be normal...they pray that you are normal and they reward you for playing the part when it is done well.
Lies, All Lies
Lying...hmm, that seemed to be what thrilled others the most. My parents loved it when I pretended to be normal, when I kept the majority of who I am under cloaks and daggers, under rugs and behind the furniture.
There are rewards and bribes for denying your true self and for putting on a good show.
Pretending to like going places and being at family functions. Playing that the noise doesn't bother you or the sights, smells and foul stench that is in the air. Making nice and sitting still and not moving or wavering from the task at hand. Pretending to pay attention to the most boring, sometimes upsetting and unpleasant teachers and peoples.
Hanging out with unsavorys, the juvey d's and pretending to be like them just to have a crowd, a posse, a like me please I am one of you kindof deals.
Pretending that you have no strong sense of self or of what you want or what you feel because that is so very harsh against the grain and unheard of. No rumblings, no veering from normal planes,lest you fall off the bandwagon, from great heights and become crushed upon the ground.
Pretending is like putting on layer upon layer of sticky, musty, old clothes and wearing them so long that they become affixed to your skin and the very effort in removing them leaves ones skin raw and oozing. It has been going on for far too long says the cat to the mouse.
Under all the layers, somewhere,way down deep, is you...is me...and that which I am without expectations, parents failed hopes and shattered dreams.
To see or not to see...the aspie underneath.
Mostly I had to pretend to Not be afraid. I'd just shove that fear farther and deeper inside. As long as i didn't say anything, as long as my expression remained blank and impassive, no one would know, no one would question, no one would reprimand and punish...for good behavior, in surface value alone was what they wanted. It did not matter who I was or how I felt.
Fear was nothing more than a dark, dirty, shameful thing that got you in trouble and beaten with big sticks.
So, thus, I pretended to be calm....I pretended to be interested...I pretended to listen...I pretended to be fearless...and in the process promptly lost my sense and any sense of who I really was.
Now, now, no one rules me. No one punishes me. No one asks and expects me to do anything when it makes me uncomfortable and scared, unless, of course, I agree. And there have actually been many times where i have had to face being scared, but it simply needed doing. My role as a parent is one of....immense challenges at times, but sometimes there are things that I am compelled to do for the love and sake of another.
Acknowledging fear doesn't make me less of a person....I am not prey or fodder for villains. Rather getting in touch with that which makes me tick and quiver and tic some more, means that I am removing the heaps, piles and layers put upon me by others or imposed upon me by myself.
I become more real with my awareness. I flow into more of that which is really, truly me.
I have grown so tired of the constant pretend. The play has grown stale, old and outdated.
I remove the fancy red cocktail gloves, you know, the ones with the sequins and bells that go clear up past my elbows...I carefully peel, remove and discard, in favor of them leather ones.
Getting real
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