Logically, now that I have acquired this new info regarding Place-Blindness, I would have to disagree with me calling myself agoraphobic per se, as I am not afraid to leave my house, rather, I am afraid that I will not be able to find it if I venture out. For that has been the real fear...will I be able to find my way back home? And that is the way that it has always, always been..as long as I can remember.
My family, partner and kids, have travelled to Oregon, South Dakota, Cape Cod, Outer Banks, North Carolina, North Dakota, Kentucky, Tennessee, New York and Wisconsin. I always knew travelling was disconcerting and challenging, fraught with lots and lots of anxiety, but as long as partner was in the seat beside me or walking next to me, I managed. My foremost strategy has always been to keep her in sight, preferably right next to me. Now I understand why travelling has been a battle for me.
I cannot begin to explain the depth of extreme elation that I experience when I have been either far from home or away for awhile and then I turn into my own driveway.
How have I done this for so long? How have I lived with this condition...anxiety knows my name. I have fraught with this. I have found various coping skills and mechanisms, and mostly, I just do it, over and over and over again. I fight through it. Its just another item in the very large backpack I carry around everywhere with me, under my coat so hopefully no one can see.
This would be so damn funny if it wasn't so fucking true. Part of me Is in disbelief...and looking back..omg, there is a reason I lean towards anxiety..to put it mildly. Shit..I don't think anyone deserves this much baggage, really. And part of me is relieved...because it all makes perfect sense, now...perfect fucking sense.
