Androgynous: having the characteristics or nature of both male and female
I have always considered myself to be an androgynous being. Being the oldest daughter, my mother took great delight in buying me dresses and tights and shiny black shoes, but I found them quite odd and most uncomfortable. As soon as I had a choice over what clothing to wear, I chose long pants, sneakers and ambiguous shirts that were gender neutral.
In school, the few friends I did make we're an equal mix of boys and girls but by high school, the female friends became more of a superficial, hang out with light chat kind of thingy, whilst my guy friends were the ones that I had longer talks with and spent more time hanging around with.
I have never been comfortable in dresses and was last coerced into wearing one...gosh, it's been so long, I honestly don't remember...years.
I remember being sixteen years of and having one of my first paychecks. I went to the local second hand store and was immediately drawn to the menswear section. Dang, I love the look and feel of a decent sports coat! I think I bought myself a sports coat, pants, shirt and even a fedora.
In a big city like Grand Rapids, where I grew up, all manner of clothing was acceptable and I easily blended in with the riffraff. Since I have been living in my very small town of seven thousand, I have to be really careful not to draw attention to myself so I dont dress as I secretly desire to.
I love ties, hats, coats and harbor a secret desire to be fitted for a tux....maybe I can get away with that some Halloween. I wish.
Fitting in with "the girls" and being a "girly girl" has never worked for me. I've tried makeup here and there but it usually causes a skin reaction and looks phony. I don't do chick flicks, purse parties or sitting around gossiping about the latest mancandy.
Nail painting is something I have tried three or four times but find it feels as if my nails are suffocating, so I don't go there.
My voice is more on the deep end and I frequently sprout very butch crew cuts which I find incredibly comfortable. I adore running my fingers through the soft, 1/4 hairs. I cannot tell you how many dozens of times people's have addressed me as "Mr."
I'm on the tall end for a female at almost 5'6". My feet are extra wide and quite boyish. I buy men's shoes just because they fit and are roomy and comfy. My broad shoulders would rip out the majority of women's...blouses. And I dress for my own comfort in a mostly masculine manner.
Often times I don't think of myself as distinctly female and I have no desires to be male but my characteristics can be considered quite ambiguous.
One thing that I have noticed with the male Aspies I know is that by and far they are somewhat effeminate, not overtly feminine by any means and not in a gay or queer manner either. Hmm, how to say....they have softer voices, use flowing, frequent hand gestures, dress in very ordinary, casual ways instead of traditional macho men gear. They do not reek of testosterone or machismo. They lack that harsh callousness that I find most men possess. I definitely enjoy the company of Aspie men over nts. What a huge difference in mine eyes.
In relationships, I have spent more time with women than men. I consider myself sexually ambiguous as well and fall in love and form relationships with the Person, not the gender. So if someone really nailed me down and asked for my "orientation", I would definitely have to go with bisexual.
By far the time when I was most at ease and comfortable with my female self was when I was pregnant, which I very much enjoyed.
Today, well, I am who I am, androgynous, a mixture of both worlds
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