Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Wednesday, May 8, 2013

Feeling like a failure, Aspies are a Breed All Their Own

Every now and then, I make the mistake of comparing myself to a Neuro-typical. It's like apples and oranges or chalk and cheese. They are two completely different things.

Unfortunately, I have to deal with NTs on a daily basis.
Having troubling finding the absolute bestest and most poetic words to explain....so I'll dump that idea and wing it.
One of my biggest challenges is proving to nts that I'm not slow, lazy or incompetent. Sure, many people can work an eight hour work day without becoming overwhelmed and needing 4-24 hours to recharge...I am not one of them. Maybe the majority can easily handle a hectic day of multiple appointments and deadlines..I get it.
I see parents that have no problem juggling two or three after school activities for their kids....that is not me.

I Am Not a Failure. I work diligently within my abilities. Seems like every other day I am forced to defend myself and my differences. I have to explain social anxiety, Aspie stress, PTSD or my state of health to those who continually question me, either verbally or with inquiring, doubtful eyes.
Really? How many times must others have to defend themselves as their honor is called into question.
I will not, I cannot measure myself by someone else's stick or standards.
I am Not the only person who cannot see outside themselves.
I know someone who expects me to have her energy level, who wants me to put in as many hours as she and to do the same amount of work. But, see, I'm Not her! Is this really so hard to see?
What about the appreciation and recognition of individuality, strengths and weaknesses? What about acknowledging Who I really am?
I am not a carbon copy or a mold made for many. I don't think or behave as anyone else. Where is the praise and fun in uniqueness, creativity and thinking outside the box?
Damn, if I had a dollar for everytime I received a compliment, for just being me, and not some thinly veiled sarcastic jab....I'd have a dollar.
I feel like a failure if I compare....so I don't compare.
Few outside the autistic realm, can comprehend or even try to comprehend how difficult Every Day Life is for this Aspie. And I get pretty darn resentful that my integrity is continuously called into question,especially when my standards and morals are probably much higher than most.

People used to frequently say that I am my own worst enemy because I hold myself to a higher set of values. And to call them into question?! I am offended and I see why I oft think that my best bet would be to live alone and solitary. It's enough that I have to continually remind myself that I am doing My personal best. I needn't have to be around others that call me into question.
It's ridiculous. And I would not doubt someone else's abilities, illnesses, strengths or weaknesses. I give others too much credit and not nearly enough to myself.
I'm not a failure...it only feels like it sometimes.
Gosh, I actually received a compliment from a friend of mine the other day. She said, and I quote, "You are one of the nicest people I know." And she knows a lot of people. Yes, I've written that down on the memorabilia screen in my head. Someone actually could see who I really am.
I guess it's just one of those things that frequently chaps my ass....having to explain myself. Everytime I do, it feels like failure.
I don't know. Words aren't flowing the best tonight. I hope I'm making a little bit of sense.
I'm different. I'm okay. And I shouldn't have to explain myself.

3 comments:

  1. Actually, your words make a lot of sense. Not only that, I feel badly, because a good friend of mine needed to explain exactly what you wrote to me many times before I finally Got it (with a capital G). I now get it, and it's been an important learning for me. Hearing (er, reading) you say it is validating. So, while I know it sucks to feel as if you're explaining yourself and shouldn't have to, I just want to say I appreciate that you did.

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  2. Roia, you sound like a perfect, conscientious and caring friend. And an incredibly warm and caring human:)

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