Most of the time, I try not to use my arms.....I cannot accomplish much at all. I'm frustrated. I've been awaiting a call to see a neurosurgeon for over three weeks. All activities from doing dishes to my favorite pastime, gardening, are on hold.
One of the most bothersome aspects is, when my neck swells and I have trouble swallowing. Damn, it's hard to admit the very real state I'm in. I hate to think of myself as being unable to do Anything, especially things I enjoy and look forward to doing.
I'm not good at giving orders...aka ask someone else to do this or that. It's almost an impossible task. If I can't do it myself, why should I have to tell someone else to? My values and what's important to me to get done, may not coincide with what someone else finds important. I wasn't born to be a general and tell others what to do. Wow...interesting. I just realized how insightful this is.
Funny, how when you put words to the clamor and clatter inside your head....putting it out into readable words thoughts and feelings are revealed and make sense.
If you really want to know yourself...write! Or color or draw or let your mind wander with a blank piece of paper in front of you.
Last night I had a visual picture of what it's like to have Aspergers. It's as if I'm a hundred feet up, a straight rocky cliff. In each hand, I have a pickaxe. I must constantly tightly grasp these two anchors, pickaxes.....lest I lose all sense on reality and fall into the craggy abyss.
I have to constantly, constantly consciously hold on to a goal, a special interest, a person, an ideal, or I lose myself and the sense of who I am. It is a constant effort that never goes away. Maybe that is one thing that makes me different from neurotypicals. They seem to be able to relax and go with the flow, kick back with their feet up....but everyday I must have the strength and the will to hold into something no one else can see.
I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well enough. It's a very new way of looking at things.
There are days that are easier than others. Each day is a struggle, just some times it's harder than others.
What are your thoughts? I'd welcome your comments and ideas.