Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Sunday, May 5, 2013

Inside Autism, Putting Words to Feelings, Making Sense

I've been afflicted with this neck pain, called cervical stenosis, for over a month now. Basically, my spinal column, in my neck, is pressing on some nerves. I can barely use my arms without pain and/ or numbness. I'm on a plethora of meds to manage my discomfort.
 Most of the time, I try not to use my arms.....I cannot accomplish much at all. I'm frustrated. I've been awaiting a call to see a neurosurgeon for over three weeks. All activities from doing dishes to my favorite pastime, gardening, are on hold.
One of the most bothersome aspects is, when my neck swells and I have trouble swallowing. Damn, it's hard to admit the very real state I'm in. I hate to think of myself as being unable to do Anything, especially things I enjoy and look forward to doing.
 I'm not good at giving orders...aka ask someone else to do this or that. It's almost an impossible task. If I can't do it myself, why should I have to tell someone else to? My values and what's important to me to get done, may not coincide with what someone else finds important. I wasn't born to be a general and tell others what to do. Wow...interesting. I just realized how insightful this is.

 Funny, how when you put words to the clamor and clatter inside your head....putting it out into readable words thoughts and feelings are revealed and make sense.
  If you really want to know yourself...write! Or color or draw or let your mind wander with a blank piece of paper in front of you.
  Last night I had a visual picture of what it's like to have Aspergers. It's as if I'm a hundred feet up, a straight rocky cliff. In each hand, I have a pickaxe. I must constantly tightly grasp these two anchors, pickaxes.....lest I lose all sense on reality and fall into the craggy abyss.
 I have to constantly, constantly consciously hold on to a goal, a special interest, a person, an ideal, or I lose myself and the sense of who I am. It is a constant effort that never goes away. Maybe that is one thing that makes me different from neurotypicals. They seem to be able to relax and go with the flow, kick back with their feet up....but everyday I must have the strength and the will to hold into something no one else can see.
 I'm not sure if I'm explaining it well enough. It's a very new way of looking at things.

There are days that are easier than others. Each day is a struggle, just some times it's harder than others.
  What are your thoughts? I'd welcome your comments and ideas.


  1. I agree every day just existing in this world is a huge exhausing effort. I often contemplate if I have multiple personalities as the inside of my mind is so busy, complicated and fractured. I dont seem to have the same boudaries around my personality as most people do. There is this big consciousness cloud teaming with a multitude of thoughts, feelings and varied perspectives. I am just me but when it comes to interfacing with the vast majority of other beings out there the task to do so is monumentally challenging. A blank mutism is quite understandable to anyone who could see and feel me on inside of my mind but as that is not something people seem able to do, most of them just asume i am being lazy and rude not making effort to fit in. If only they knew.....
    I dont have the same conection with my body that most people seem to have either although like you it is very responsive to my inner world. I seem to have far more disorders, ailments , unexplained pains that come and go without clear reason, unregulated energy/sleep/appetite/thirst etc than any one person has any business having. At same time all these challenges are mostly invisable and not readily understood by others so I appear lazy despite knowing full well I am engaged in constant battle on many levels. There is little in way of recognition for all this effort so clinging to anything available as if life depends on it seems perfectly understandable as any sort of funtional life does depend on it. I am used to being in constant therapy within my my own head as me, myselves and I try to figure us and everything else out moment by moment in endless search for clarity, healing , peace, a way to make sense of it all. I sort of grasp the concept of relaxation but am not at all confident I have ever truly experienced it.The internal world is so busy and always seems to be in a desperate urgent need of resolution that I am disturbingly inaduqate at providing. I cling to one one friend who I feel most comfortable with, I cling to my safe familiar place that I call my cave (my flat) I cling to hopes of healing and peace in future, I cling to focusing on each next small task that needs completing.

  2. Hi Laura, I can relate. Daily life can be exhausting. Writing, finding a good friend and having a competent therapist are the three things that have helped me the most. Thank you for reading, relating and sharing, Amy