Being Free and Feeling Safe

Even though I've been away from harm and danger since I left my parents house thirty years ago, I continued to carry the fear I felt every day during my early formative years. The old pattern of being scared was locked in.

  No More

Fear of Being Forgotten

I'm really enjoying using my own photos and creating my own picture quotes:)

I find and use words that have personal meaning to me.

Never feeling good enough

Still feeling pretty sick

Maybe everyday I'm a little less tired, crabby and ill. Still feel quite sick. Nauseous, exhausted, achy, sore and perpetually uncomfortable. Not up to 30% functional yet. Lots of time to think and drift.
 

I don't like to talk about myself

As long as I can remember, I've been an intensely private person. I think it's inherent, not directly related to my abusive past or autistic nature. Maybe that's one reason it stymies me that anyone would think I'd speak of all the abuse for selfish needs or want of being in the spotlight. I'm really good at shying away from attention and the limelight, living a semi-content, quiet life in a little, pleasant town. Just a respectable, kind person who keeps to herself and rarely has an unkind word to say about anyone.
  It's been quite a struggle being so introverted and twice thrust into the public eye. My youngest, with the obvious physical disability attracts attention everyday, wherever we go. It's just a given. My other child, well, that was a front page spectacle for months...effects still linger in people's eyes, wayward glances and thinly veiled questions.
  Me, I'm the epitome of contradiction between how and where I find peace and solace, versus the recent events in my life this past decade. I am non sense.
 I'm calling, yet more...scrutiny and attention to myself by publicly stating the irrevocable and, hmm, explosive truths of my early years. I go rogue public because it helps me heal and allows others to know its okay and healthy to freely reveal childhood sexual abuses. I break down barriers, taboos, walls, in hopes of helping victims past, present and future. It is the only way. Logic, and the overall ability to help others negates my desire for quiet solitude.
 I don't call names or point fingers unless absolutely necessary, unless I can help spare someone a fraction of the pain I endure.
I can define evil: the conscious willingness and effort to inflict harm, pain and suffering onto someone unable to escape, fight back or who is helpless. I know of evil. Adults, with full knowledge of their faculties, seductively, secretly, enlist children, their own or someone else's, and perpetrate sexual acts of fondling, molestation, sodomy and rape, every day of every week, of every years, thousands of times every single month. It will always be "okay" to rape children and commit incest, until we stand up and shout, "No More!" What happened to me was not okay. I will speak out Loudly.
  Keep it secret and this scourge against children will continue, proliferate in the secrecy and the "it didn't happen to me. I don't want to rock this family boat."
 Do you have any idea how much it pains me ....to have to continually shout!! When I'd love nothing more than a soft bed, a hug and whispers of peace.....to be left alone. But no, my father via his child molesting crimes and mother in her ignorant, ridiculous denial, propel me to continually live out loud, speaking publicly, way outside of what I had dreamed and imagined for myself.
 You can call me a warrior, a rebel, a rogue, but I don't claim such titles with any sense of ease. It's more of duty, obligation and humanity. I'm not out to defame or slander anyone, but if I 100% know you committed a crime, many crimes, against children no less, I will publicly, vehemently, most loudly call you out on it. Do not blame the children, the innocent, naive, trusting children for the evil perpetrated on them by adults.
  Do not carry the shame, blame and displaced guilt. Keep not the secret torment locked away inside. All child Abusers need to be held accountable for their crimes, accepting responsibility for their deliberate actions. They need jail time, counseling and to be locked away to protect society.
 I wish I coud be an intensly, private person....circumstances dictate that I must help others and heal myself.
 Be well.

Dissociative Identity Disorder..a good explanation

Dissociative Identity Disorder Terminology DSM-5 References

Alters are highly distinct, dissociated personality states with amnesia between at least two of the states The DSM-5 uses the term, personality state, when referencing the alternative selves found in dissociative identity disorder. Regardless of the terminology used, the determination is that individuals with this disorder have highly distinct and dissociated personality states, as opposed to the continuity experienced with multiple self states in others. [Boon, 2011, p.25]  In dissociative identity disorder these separate states that make up the personality are called alters, identities, personalities, sides, selves, ANP, EP and so on. (Gillig,2009)   I. Personality A sum of our partsAn individual with or without dissociative identity disorder is a sum of all the parts of their personality. (Howell, 2011 p.7-8, 32) There is no original personality  The personality is made up of the ANP and EP, and sometimes parts that are a mixture of both, and all are dissociated aspects of an individuals one personality. (van der Hart, 2006, p. ) No one part is who the person was meant to be. To make this perfectly clear, no part is the original.  (Miller, 2011, p. 21) Distinct sense of self  Often EP and ANP in those with dissociative identity disorder have a sense of self that is separate from other parts of the personality system.  (Howell, 2011 p.55) This separateness can be seen in speech mannerisms, physical behavior, handwriting, somatic illness, sense of body and history.  (Howell, 2011 p.55-57). Amnesia - dissociative boundaries Dissociative boundaries that are highly impermeable are responsible for the amnesia that is present between the parts in those with dissociative identity disorder to one degree or another. [Howell, 2011 p.134] Not all parts in those with dissociative identity disorder have amnesia between them. (Howell, 2011 p.4) In fact, by the time an individual is an adult, or at least after they have done a great deal of therapy, they have probably obtained coconsciousness between many parts. (Howell, 2011 p.7-8) Third reality - inner world ANP and EP both exist in what is called a third reality, (Kluft, 1998, 2000) although not all parts are active inside. The parts that often are not are the ANP, and it's very common that those who experience the inner world have no recall of it when they are in executive control. The inner world can be extravagant and is only limited by imagination or what researchers call trance logic. Trance logic simply means what the part in the inside world feels is real to them. (Howell, 2011 p.70-71) The concept of personality  Any alter, ANP or EP will experience major deficits in self-awareness and functioning. No part of the personality is complete in those with dissociative identity disorder, including the ANP that function in day to day life.  (Howell, 2011 p.134) II. Switching Switching of states is also known as full dissociation  Those with dissociative identity disorder tend to switch, replacing the one in executive control with another, when there is a perceived psychosocial threat. Switching allows a distressed state to retreat while a state who is more competent comes forward to handle an emerging situation. (Herman, 2012) Full switching is between states that have full amnesia between them. (Howell, 2011 p.4-6) Partial dissociation When parts inside influence the part in executive control, this is known as partial dissociation. (Dell, 2006) Examples include limbs and the face moving on their own, smelling an odor, emotions and so on. They can also be the withdrawal of experience resulting in the one in charge not experiencing thoughts and emotions. (Howell, 2011 p.4-6) III. States making up the personality  Most authors are moving toward using the terms ANP, apparently normal part, and EP, emotional part. Apparently normal parts are who are in control of an individual the majority of the time, at least once the individual is an adult and safe from an abusive environment. ANP do not hold trauma memory, but instead go about the business of daily life. They are usually oblivious to having the disorder, and even after other parts are well known, ANP may not be. ANP can be so similar that they switch between themselves all day and no one has a clue this is happening, including them. EP on the other hand, are the parts that hold trauma memories. EP took over for a child during abuse and can still act childish and react with childlike emotion. EP can intrude that emotion onto ANP without taking over fully so that ANP feels like it is their own emotion. (van der Hart, 2006) Apparently normal part (ANP)Back in the 1980's most referred to the usually presenting state as the host, but the term host is misleading for many reasons, including the fact that all states can act as the host, and all states in the personality system are equally important. It is more accurate to use the term ANP. The ANP has normal emotions and is usually in charge to a greater extent once the individual is an adult and out of their abusive childhood environment.  (van der Hart, 2006, p. 30, 73-88) These states usually do not have access to unprocessed trauma memories. It's not that they have forgotten anything. It's that the specific part was not aware during the period that the abuse was done to the individual.  (Miller, 2011, p. 22) ANP normally have no idea they are not the whole self, at least until they become aware of their illness. There are often many ANP that answer to the birth name, and even in individuals that fully experience many of their dissociative states do not realize that there are more than one state switching back and forth, making up the part that is in executive control the majority of the time. To not be aware is due to the ANP's denial of what is going on, and their extreme dissociation, rather than EP or other ANP hiding from them. (van der Hart, 2006, p. 80)  Emotional Part (EP)These states hold unprocessed trauma memories, (Ross, 2013, p. 82) and they can be simple or highly evolved states. They are easily triggered by unprocessed memories and will react in a way that is entirely out proportion to the situation.  They may take over completely or may intrude their feelings onto ANP, and the dissociated ANP usually has no clue what is going on and thinks  irrational feelings are their own. (van der Hart, 2006, p. 73-88) Mixture of ANP and EP If a child is under constant threat, a complex mixture of ANP and EP can result. These children will almost always have an over abundance of dissociated states compared to most with dissociative identity disorder. When the child is rarely safe, they confuse the usual boundaries of the states, at least in appearance. When looking closely the properties that make the states distinctly EP or ANP are present. (van der Hart, 2006, p. 78) Observing EP Everyone probably has a part of their personality that passively observes, but like all states in dissociative identity disorder the observing EP is more evolved, distinct and of course dissociated. (van der Hart, 2006,p.67-70) These EP have described themselves as being able to hear and see all other states in a personality system at one time - if and when they want to. Mind control  The observing EP might be confused with "Recorders. (Miller, 2011, p. 254-255)

Living with Lyme Disease

I was diagnosed with Lyme disease a couple years ago. I've had some success with acupuncture and antibiotics. I'm currently involved in a flare-up. I stopped both the acupuncture and antibiotics for a couple weeks. I thought maybe the Lyme was gone. I was wrong.
 Here's what happens to let me know my Lyme is acting up. 1) I start sleeping twice as much. 2) I'm constantly tired, fatigue gets to the point that I can barely get up and move about. 3) I get sudden onset arthritis, usually in my fingers. 4) I get headaches. Overall, it feels like I have a chronic flu with digestive disturbances, bad aches and pains, overwhelming fatigue.
 So I started back up on the antibiotics. Things get worse before they get better. The antibiotics cause a toxic Lyme bacteria die off, and all my symptoms get double worse until my body can get rid of some of the toxins.  I sweat, get chills, start itching all over. These symptoms mean the bacteria are dying off. Very uncomfortable.
 My current regiment is antibiotics 2x daily, gluthione supplement, lemon juice, cranberry juice, activated charcoal, acupressure points, acidopholis, Benadryl and rest. When it just hurts too damn bad, I take pain pills. I am miserable. Unable to do much but lay around on the couch. I need to schedule acupuncture, many appointments, soon. It has proven to greatly help my body.
 I do what I can. I continue to read about Lyme and various treatments. I have to venture to the health food store to restock supplies as soon as I'm able.
 Brain fog often accompanies these flare-ups. I'm a bit slow in the head but I think I'm a bit better than yesterday.
 Just living with the Lyme.

It feels like

Forgive Myself

Too much screen time

I bought and wore two new shirts last week. No one in the family even noticed. I'm getting discouraged with the extreme screen time, video games, iPhones, iPads, laptop, my family engages in. Seems we spend so much time "playing" that we have stopped looking at and noticing each other.
I'm not sure how to address the issue and change things. I turn off my screen, but no one else seems to have that type of self-control.
 It's sad and I'm quite dismayed at how self-absorbed people have become. I'm not sure how to change it or get people to look at and actually interact with each other. Yeah, another moment I wish there were no iPhones and laptops...then again, aren't we mature and smart enough to change?

Dissociation

She didn't want to sleep

Foreordained....Ben and Sera

I wrote the "Leaving Las Vegas" post last night. Today, I received word that my ex-husband had died in January. He was Ben and I was Sera, two walking wounded warriors adrift in a mad world with nothing but each other to hold onto. We were both severly injured. He from the horrors of the Vietnam War and me from my abusive father.

I was just 16 when I met him; he was 38. He helped free me from living with my parents and striking out on my own. He really taught me a lot about life, from household skills, work expectations, moving, checking accounts, budgeting and faith. He was big on faith and the Bible, one of his strong suits.

 One of my fondest memories is traveling to Chicago for the weekend, staying in a hotel and visiting museums. He helped this very sheltered, very scared young woman have fun and branch out. He knew how to have fun, from drinking cheap wine and listening to Blondie, to all out water fights at the nursing home we worked at together. He was playful, warm, affectionate and answered all my silly questions with kindness.

 We were dirt poor. Both in ill health and poverty was an everyday challenge we managed together. It wasn't easy but we had each other.

 He was my first and only husband. My first living together friend.

I just received word today, that Ken died the end of January.

 We were together about 8 years in all. I really can't say a negative thing about him. He was always there for me. The divorce was amicable. We were both going in different directions. I ended all contact with him but found my ex step daughter living in my current town. She and I most serendipitously met a few years back and have remained friends. I knew Ken was gravely ill for awhile.

 Boy, we had some great times!!!! Seriously, he was a good, caring, faithful and fun man.

 Rest in Peace Darling. Rest in Peace now, finally. Your struggle is over. Love

Leaving Las Vegas with Nicholas Cage

I had the opportunity to watch the movie, "Leaving Las Vegas" again, the other night. I am very intrigued by this movie and it's varied philosophical constructs. At first glance, the premise seems morbid; a man decides to drink himself to death in Las Vegas, alone in a cheap motel. But there is so much more to it.

 Here in bold color, is a man who takes his life, his destiny, in his own hands. We never find out the root cause of his alcoholism. I've always believed that every addiction from smoking, drinking, heroin, prescription drug abuse, overeating, stems from an unmet need, usually in the childhood years. I often think it it from not being loved and cared for enough on some level.

 The central character, Ben, Nicholas Cage, starts the movie heavily inebriated, loses his job and apparantly has already lost his wife and child to divorce. Ben gathers all his belongings into garbage bags, taking personal mementos and setting those ablaze in a bonfire. He drives to Vegas, finds a motel, and starts drinking 250-300$ dollars worth of alcohol every day. He estimates it will take him four weeks to die. He is well-versed on all the downwarding spiral, unpleasant side effects that will lead to his demise.
  Accidentally, Ben meets a prostitute, Sera, who he pays 500$ for one hour. Here's the thing, Ben doesn't want sex....he just wants someone to talk to and sit with him. How profound the loneliness! I fully comprehend this. If I had the money...at a multitude of times in my life...yeah, I would have paid to have someone listen to me. Wait, I actually do that. It's called therapy. But just mull over the desperation for a moment. I get it.
 Sera is a face beautiful prostitute and again, we don't know the tragic circumstances that led her into prostitution. Like Ben, we meet Sera mid-stream, without any background information. Sera has a brutal pimp and subjects herself to beatings and cruelty with ease.
  When she gets together with Ben, they are like yin and yang...two tragic lives joining together, grasping onto the other for strength and respecting eaches decision on how they want to live their lives.
  It's a symbiotic relationship. One feeds off the other. They cling to each other amongst the glittering lights. Each has no one but the other.
 The ending is...climatic (tongue in cheek) and rather surprising. Nicholas Cage won a best actor Oscar for his role. He was That Good.
 Watching this movie makes me think a lot about life, the struggles we all go through, the baggage and bridges we carry or burn. One persons breaking point is another's stepping stone. Each individual has different values and definitions of "losing it all."
 I read that the movie was based on a semi-biographical novel by John O'Brien. Mr. O'Brien committed suicide two weeks after learning his novel, "Leaving Las Vegas" was to be made into a movie. Sometimes the backstory is just as important as the final production.
  The theme of this movie can be applied to many thousands of addicts....except they don't boldly and brazenly proclaim to themselves and the world, that they hurt so bad they are willing to end their life.

If only we realized or were more aware of the aloneness, pain and desperation others endure. If only we knew how much we need someone to talk to, share with and listen. So many crying to be heard. Substance abuse dulls the pain. I find it sad and tragic, that people can hurt so deeply, so silently and so very alone.

 We blame and scorn the addict, yet they are just trying to deal with the pain.
  We are here to help each other. Movies like Las Vegas help me appreciate my life.

She cried without making a sound

How do you acknowledge stifled cries? Or emotions long since hid? How do you get in touch with the pain, agony and torment that you shoved and denied deep inside? Even today, when I cry, I often don't make a sound. Making noise was one of those heinous childhood crimes I committed until I learned to silence myself. I'd hate to think what it would sound like, if I went to that place in my head, where I hid all the cries and screams. Making noise, crying out loud, acknowledging pain and discomfort, was frowned upon, not tolerated well by the parents. Oh, they could yell and scream and cry, throw things, break chairs, but the children, No, the children must remain silent and stoic.  God, I deserve some medal and reward for living through such a mess, not more pain and suffering.





 Suffer not the little children. Didn't some famous Bible guy write that? Yet, it was just the opposite in my family's home. It was acceptable for the children to starve, be without hot water or heat or clean clothes, even underwear and socks. Yeah, try living with the degregation of having to go to school without underwear and wearing your dads socks. Mom and dad thought this was acceptable. It was okay with them if dad sodomized and molested, raped children. It was okay for mom to slap faces, cover up bruises with make-up and "paddle" kids with brushes, spatulas and hands. It was perfectly okay to spend thirty minutes to an hour standing in a corner, being ostracized and shunned, not knowing if someone was going to smack you from behind. It was encouraged that the children scrap and taunt each other, because it was funny and name calling was just sticks and stones.
Nothing about growing up with those people was right, or healthy.
I learned really well, how to make myself sick, swallowing the poisons of secrets, emotion, how I felt and what I wished I could say.
 I wasn't allowed to say, Stop hurting me or That hurts me. I wasn't allowed to stop mom or dad from hitting the other kids, either. Feels guilty, the thinking, better him than me...but I was just a kid who wanted to avoid any more pain.
 I was definitely a sickly child. Omg, I remember the strep sore throats, the debilitating migraines, the hoarse bronchitis, stomach aches...I was frequently sick. I wish I could just let this go. That it would just all magically disappear from my head. That what happened to me, didn't happen. That what I saw happen to others, didn't. It's a lot to live with and try and reckon, figure out.
 The experts say, once you start writing and talking about the memories we hide, after we connect the memory to the emotion and actually express aloud our truth....that the once hid memory fades, no longer overpowering or having a grip on us....and then the memory just becomes something that happened....it loses it's power over us. It gets more and more okay to write and talk about the stuff I had to hide.
 See, I'm under here, somewhere. Under the shame, guilt, secrets, emotions surpressed.  I have been working for years.
 Silent cries

Own Your Truth, Tell Your Story, Remain Silent No More About Incest and Sexual Abuse

Abuse No More, validating, helpful online resource.
There was a time, for decades, when I was so ashamed and embarrassed that I couldn't even admit to myself, that my father had sexually abused me for years. I wouldn't dare talk about it to anyone. I was sure they wouldn't believe me, or worse yet, they would blame me and say it was all my fault.
Let me tell you, no child asks to be molested. No child is provocative to cause child rape. No child deserves sexual abuse as a punishment for being "bad". It is Always the fault of the adult. The adult is always the one in charge who makes the child feel they deserve to be raped. The adult is the warped criminal mind who grooms and trains innocent children into thinking sexual abuse is "normal", secretive and all the child's fault. Children believe and trust their parents. There are many bad, cruel, twisted and sick parents out there.
There are mothers who blame their five year old daughters for being molested by their husbands. There are mothers who look away and deny it is happening, even when they walk in on their husbands, boyfriends, sexually touching their daughters or sons. Mothers look away and take a stroll into deep, dimwitted denial.


  Incest can be generational. My father was sexually abused by someone in his family, so he knew full well how to commit the hideous acts. He knew how to train and bribe children. He learned how to make children's bodies respond in enough "pleasant" ways that they would semi "voluntarily" think it was their ideas. Like small child would automatically want to give and receive oral or anal sex. Perpetrators know how to train, delude and poison the minds of small, innocent children.


 I cannot remain silent. I cannot afford to. To deny my truth, to the detriment of all who loved and adored my father...he wasn't all bad....he could be kind and caring.....how do you measure a man who was 90% good and 10% child rapist? Does the good outweigh the bad?
 If I remain silent, I carry the guilt, shame and blame. If I remain quiet, the thousands of other victims, who have yet to find their voice, will not know that it is safe, healthy and validating to speak out.
 Make no mistake...I speak my truth for Me, first and foremost. I have lived within the pit of shame and embarrassment, believing I caused my sexual abuse. I speak to release my chains first. Because only then, am I free to help others. The thousands of others living in fear, shame and locked into their victimization.


ISUVA, an excellent online group!
 Each and everyone of us has power over our lives as adults, now that we have lived through the degrading trauma of being molested children. We have the ability to take back our lives and to help others in the process. Child Sexual Abuse and Incest Will Contine Until Enough of Us Cry, Scream STOP!!! It's only with our truth, our experiences, our courage and strength that we can put a dent in this ongoing evil.
 Secrets make us sick. Repressed emotions are like toxic cysts. You think you are alone, you were made to feel alone and that no one would believe you and that it was all your fault And Those Were Lies!! Stop believing the lies of adults who rape and molest children.



I have discovered 10 steps to healing.
Take back your life! You are not alone! Join with others who are working on healing themselves and putting an end to the rape and abuse of children.
Find your voice. Admit your truth. I believe you. I know what you've been through. I know how bad and scary it feels. You no longer have to carry such pain inside. You never deserved to be hurt...you don't deserve to continue to hurt. It's okay now. It's okay to talk about it. End the silent shame. You can do this.

The Handshake, I Like Shaking Hands

I think I've always been a handshake kinda person. It probably seems odd, in today's age of distance through technology and texting one another while sitting in the same room, but I'm old school and a very polite person. I also have Aspergers and PTSD. Last night, I was thinking of all the reasons I shake hands.


 Here it goes:
 1) A handshake tells me a lot about a person I meet for the first time. I'm sure there have been books written about the different handshake styles; "limp", "overly aggressive", "short and brief", etc. For me, I like being around others who typically have a confident and warm handshake. It is strong without being overbearing. I can usually tell who I can get along with and who to avoid via one simple handshake.
2) It tells me who to avoid. On a few different occasions, I have met people whose handshake was...how to put this...icky. Red flag warnings go up and I immediately sense that this individual is "unhealthy" and to be avoided. I don't know if the person has done illegal or hurtful things to others, or if they are users and manipulaters, but something isn't right. The handshake doesn't change and it doesn't lie. I avoid icky people.
3) Shaking hands is oft grounding, for this autistic. It brings me out of my distant, inner bubble and actively engages me with the current situation.
4) Having PTSD, a handshake a: tells me if a person is good or bad and b: it desensitizes or tells my brain that this isn't a person who has previously hurt me. The primitive, survival part of my brain remembers and fears touch, because my abusers physically hurt me. A hand shake reaches that part of my brain and distinguishes between past abuser and present not my abuser.
5) I shake hands to say "hello".
6) To say "goodbye".
7) and to say "Thank You." Gestures are sometimes easier than words:)
8) A handshake tells me who I'm likely to get along with, who is an egotistic, who is to be avoided, who is kind and caring.
Shaking hands is just part of who I am. I like it. I have my reasons:)