I feel as if I'm stranded on a strange planet whereby everyone is speaking a foreign language and my universal translator is broke. There are a plethora of social norms that I fail to comprehend. Words are highly confusing and subjective. Each being is like trying to decipher a code. Simple words and phrases, subtle and overt glances each mean something different to each and every individual. I feel perpetual confusion.
I'm afraid to ask for clarity on questions, paperwork and in verbal interactions because I fear looking stupid, subpar and moronic. If I open my mouth, I risk ridicule. So I keep myself in silent consternation.
I'm not anti-social, per se, I just avoid drama, stress and sensory overload. I prefer to be alone because it is the least painful option. If I'm in the same room with anyone, my stress and discomfort level rises, multiplying with each additional person in the room. Living alone is my best option.
I feel like a weirdo. I need to eat the same, exact foods everyday and my wardrobe is quite specific with button collared shirts and jeans. I pick my clothes for the day based on mood, weather and environment, if I have any plans or appointments for the day. I try never to schedule more than one appointment on any given day. Leaving the house, any social interaction wears me out and makes my head hurt.
I am acutely aware that I am different. Sometimes I love it, other times I hate it. I am brutally honest in a world where half truths and bold face lying is rather normal. I have no interest in gossip, talking about or judging others. It isn't my business. I have zero thoughts on a persons appearance, what they are wearing, or how they choose to live their lives.
I don't understand relationships. I'm not sure if I've ever genuinely felt love but my understanding of hate and anger increases everyday. Feelings, emotions are these dense foggy clouds that are difficult to grasp and name. I feel a multitude of sensations yet have no words to express them. Eternal frustration would be an accurate catchphrase for me. Lost within myself and my own abstract thoughts and waves.
Social obligations are terrifying and highly unpredictable, to be avoided like the plague. The amount of distress, panic and confusion is immense. I feel misunderstood, as if the only people that can truly understand are other autistics around the same degree on the spectrum a I.
Each day is a challenge to navigate. Figuring out what needs to be done and how. Time management is not my strong suit. In a way, I have no grasp of time and how long it takes to do this thing or that. I set alarms throughout the house to remind me of scheduled events and must do's. I have two choices, stay silent and confused or speak up, ask questions, seek clarity and risk looking like a fool. It's painful to yearn vehemently for independence whilst understanding that the simplest things can stymie me.
I'm trapped in a bell jar observing a world that I will never fit into or understand. Everyone is kept safely at arms length. Being a reticent recluse is natural for me. Speaking is unnatural, a forced effort that produces distress, exhaustion and produces mixed results. I'd prefer a quiet, silent world where people moved slowly, wore name tags and job descriptions and minded their own business.
Friendships, like relationships are...funny, challenging, near impossible to succeed or sustain. I've grown to accept the comfort of aloneness. Ships are too risky, too much work, always end up sinking sooner or later.
I am highly sensitive. I can walk in a room and feel tension, others pain or happiness. I avoid eye contact as I feel I'm intruding on the persons personal space. I see too much private info written on their face, in their eyes, standing beside them. Things I have no business knowing.
I don't have any interest in television, celebrities, movies or whatever the latest fad is. I have no interest following the crowd, being politically correct or repeating the same mottos day after day. To me, the world is a trivial, superficial place whereby most adults are shallow and emotionally stunted.
I am extremely polite and can rarely say a persons name without a prefix of Miss, Mister or Sir. I prefer to dress in gender neutral clothing and carry an overall ambiguous style.
I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I've grown accustom to the inherent lostness, confusion, frustration and aloneness...it's all part of this game.
