I feel like an Alien, Living Autstic, Aspergers Syndrome & Me

 Aspergers & the Alien is the perfect name for my blog because having Aspergers, I feel like an alien, like I don't belong and that I'm a perennial outsider never able to get inside. I'm odd and I know it, but can't accurately describe it.

  I feel as if I'm stranded on a strange planet whereby everyone is speaking a foreign language and my universal translator is broke. There are a plethora of social norms that I fail to comprehend. Words are highly confusing and subjective. Each being is like trying to decipher a code. Simple words and phrases, subtle and overt glances each mean something different to each and every individual. I feel perpetual confusion.

 I'm afraid to ask for clarity on questions, paperwork and in verbal interactions because I fear looking stupid, subpar and moronic. If I open my mouth, I risk ridicule. So I keep myself in silent consternation.

I'm not anti-social, per se, I just avoid drama, stress and sensory overload. I prefer to be alone because it is the least painful option. If I'm in the same room with anyone, my stress and discomfort level rises, multiplying with each additional person in the room. Living alone is my best option.

  I feel like a weirdo. I need to eat the same, exact foods everyday and my wardrobe is quite specific with button collared shirts and jeans. I pick my clothes for the day based on mood, weather and environment, if I have any plans or appointments for the day. I try never to schedule more than one appointment on any given day. Leaving the house, any social interaction wears me out and makes my head hurt.

 I am acutely aware that I am different. Sometimes I love it, other times I hate it. I am brutally honest in a world where half truths and bold face lying is rather normal. I have no interest in gossip, talking about or judging others. It isn't my business. I have zero thoughts on a persons appearance, what they are wearing, or how they choose to live their lives.

 I don't understand relationships. I'm not sure if I've ever genuinely felt love but my understanding of hate and anger increases everyday. Feelings, emotions are these dense foggy clouds that are difficult to grasp and name. I feel a multitude of sensations yet have no words to express them. Eternal frustration would be an accurate catchphrase for me. Lost within myself and my own abstract thoughts and waves.

   Social obligations are terrifying and highly unpredictable, to be avoided like the plague. The amount of distress, panic and confusion is immense. I feel misunderstood, as if the only people that can truly understand are other autistics around the same degree on the spectrum a I. 

 Each day is a challenge to navigate. Figuring out what needs to be done and how. Time management is not my strong suit. In a way, I have no grasp of time and how long it takes to do this thing or that. I set alarms throughout the house to remind me of scheduled events and must do's. I have two choices, stay silent and confused or speak up, ask questions, seek clarity and risk looking like a fool. It's painful to yearn vehemently for independence whilst understanding that the simplest things can stymie me. 

 I'm trapped in a bell jar observing a world that I will never fit into or understand. Everyone is kept safely at arms length. Being a reticent recluse is natural for me. Speaking is unnatural, a forced effort that produces distress, exhaustion and produces mixed results. I'd prefer a quiet, silent world where people moved slowly, wore name tags and job descriptions and minded their own business.

 Friendships, like relationships are...funny, challenging, near impossible to succeed or sustain. I've grown to accept the comfort of aloneness. Ships are too risky, too much work, always end up sinking sooner or later.

 I am highly sensitive. I can walk in a room and feel tension, others pain or happiness. I avoid eye contact as I feel I'm intruding on the persons personal space. I see too much private info written on their face, in their eyes, standing beside them. Things I have no business knowing.

 I don't have any interest in television, celebrities, movies or whatever the latest fad is. I have no interest following the crowd, being politically correct or repeating the same mottos day after day. To me, the world is a trivial, superficial place whereby most adults are shallow and emotionally stunted.

 I am extremely polite and can rarely say a persons name without a prefix of Miss, Mister or Sir. I prefer to dress in gender neutral clothing and carry an overall ambiguous style. 

  I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I've grown accustom to the inherent lostness, confusion, frustration and aloneness...it's all part of this game.

They Missed Me...Being Away From Home

I just returned from my very first "adventure" of leaving home without/ sans me familia. That would be about 18 years or so.
There was an autism conference, a couple of hundred miles away, and for some serendipitous reason, I found myself invited. I entertained this idea and it really would never have gotten more than a passing, quickly dispersed idle thought except there were a number of variables that allowed me to consider and dwell on this.
A) I was quite familiar and comfortable with the peoples that I would be traveling and rooming with. I trust so very few peoples but these two..well, I actually fully and completely trust. Did I mention that they are autism experts? So, yeah, they get me and I don't have to implement the plethora of stressful strategies and try and pull off looking NT. Ok, thats a huge plus.
B) The subject matter was quite intriguing. Having scoured the internet and various sites and books, I thought that there might be a few things that I did not know...things that had the potential to enlighten me..so, thats good, as well, as I am forever on the enlightenment quest.
C) Curiosity..I had never been to a conference and was quite curious as to what that whole thingy was about. Yes, people had relayed the particulars but I fail to fully understand..hmmm, most things, unless I personally experience them, first-hand.
D) I needed an adventure..something that would take me out of this rut of perpetual thinking about the ..somewhat sad and self-pitious thinking given my current state of surreal reality. I rarely travel and hadn't been more than one hour out of town in over 8 months. One odd thing that this alien with agoraphobic, topographic agnosia has is sporadic, intense longings to see and experience different sights, places and brand new experiences.
So, more on the conference later.
Lots of new and unique features for this Aspie...I was never afraid..I always felt perfectly safe. I did not crave and long to be home. I knew that I would get home safely without any question or worry. The house would still be standing and everyone and everything I loved and liked would still be there.
The toughest part was dealing with the preanticipatory anxiety...the preparation, the ride down, the first "greeting" of the room and finding out that it smelled fine, wasn't poisonous(long story, previous bad experience). And the heater and airconditoner unit actually worked appropriate so I could easily maintain a comfort level there. The water Did smell like sulfuric sewer water so I patted myself on the back for doing my strange ritual of bringing my own palatable, home-grown drinking water. It was actually a necessity.
Anyway, I have to somehow, get back on this singular topic...So...
When I returned home, I guess I never really thought about what to expect in the way of greetings or feelings of Partner and Younglink at my return. remember, Younglink had never been away from me for almost three days and the same goes for Partner. So, I had no real lines of thought regarding this..I just walked in the door and experienced all this new stuff.
First off, it was wonderful to see Partner and I got a huge, warm welcome home hug. It surprised me in how good and comforting that felt. She actually missed me. And the thing that struck me the most, throughout the evening as she asked about my itinerary, was that...she was genuinely deeply concerned, in my absence, with whether or not I was doing okay. I rarely see her worried or concerned that deeply and I was very much surprised and touched that she had that much feeling and emotion. Pretty damn cool.
Younglink...now that was also quite a surprise. His voice was lowered, respectful, almost like he thought I was mad at him and that is why I left. He was very affectionate, very, overly polite and soft-spoken and from the moment I sat down he was glued to my lap and actively engaging me in conversations of a reassuring nature. Yeah, his voice...so very, very different, almost reverent with a slight concern of "do you still love me?" hinting around the edges. I felt bad that the thought of buying him a gift on the trip never once entered my very absorbed mind but luckily, I had chocolate and another little noisemaker party favor from the conference to give him. Yeah, I had no clue and could kick myself for that one...live and learn.
The dog, Shadow, omg, did he miss me and put on this huge happy dance, come pet me and love me because I missed you and have been seriously neglected kindof thing. Kato, the cat..technically my cat because I took his sorry little pleading ass in, also greeted me.
So, yeah, coming home, a brand new experience, was really very cool! I love my family!

Mozart and the Whale...a movie review Aspegers on film

"People with Aspergers want contact with other people very much. We're just pathetically clueless at it." Donald Morton, Mozart and the Whale quote
I recently tracked down the 2005 movie Mozart and the Whale. Its central characters are two mid-20 people who both have Aspergers Syndrome. It is a fictional movie based on real life.
Josh Harnett plays Donald, a self-sufficient young man who is fascinated with numbers and can visualize formulas and maps in his head. He has a hard time holding down a job and runs a self-help type of drop-in center to alleviate his loneliness.
It is there that he meets Isabelle, a more out going, out spoken wild child who actually has really good eye contact and by most appearances has a subtler form of Aspergers.
Isabelle to Donald, "You can't disappoint me. Because whatever you are is exactly what I want."
I think that is what I liked best about this movie...it portrays not just a single autistic individual, but two people with varying symptoms and characteristics.
This movie will fall into that "You really should check this out" section of movies to watch to discover what Aspergers is in its varying degrees.
I highly recommend it.
Personally, this movie was easier for me to watch than Adam. Adam hit much closer to home as it was like i was looking into a mirror for the very first time. It startled and saddened me to get a glimpse of how I sometimes appear to other people. I do recommend Adam as well, its just a tough one for me but highly accurate.
One of the issues that struck me for some odd reason, was that I realized there are definitely times when another persons help is needed. I think I continue to struggle with asking for help, just not so vehemently as say, a couple of years ago. People need people, Aspie or not. (OOuuu, I better sit down...thats tough to admit.)
Anyway, see the movie...tell me what you think...recommend it to your family friends...Nough Said. Thanks