Winter Boredom Doldrums

The grey clouds hang stoicly, heavy, burden laden and happiness sucking. Ain't no sunshine.
My days spent reanalyzing revelations, picking up the new found puzzle pieced strewn haphazardly across the floor, now that the rug is removed and the lights are on. Trying to make sense of the puzzle piece I hold as it morphs and shifts within my hand. To comprehend, to acknowledge, breathe into it and make it real and fit it into the correct sequence. At times...hours upon hours gazing at this transfiguring wonder...pondering, doubting, realizing...eventually accepting.
  I'm not "lost" in thought...I'm engrossed, intrigued and focused. There isn't anyone who can put me back together but me. Sure, I have an astute and caring therapist but I'm the one deciding to do the work. I'm the one with the chain cutters venturing into the scary dark places...digging up...long buried painful feelings and not turning away but holding them close. I am an incredibly strong person. I'm open, honest and acutely aware of my oneness, my aloneness, my complete reliance upon myself to provide for all my needs. I get it and I'm okay with it.
I've learned.
  I'm tired of trying to fix my broken with someone else's putty. There's a contamination, a cost with that...and I'm unwilling to pay.
  I can't remember the last memorable dream. I'm searching for answers and night sleep dreamtime often provides.
I've been receiving cranio-sacral therapy which has seriously calmed down body and head. It's miraculous, massage, cranio, acupuncture, and therapy...all the modalities that genuinely heal me in one way or another. I'm thoroughly dedicated to my healing. Damn, I have become a great advocate for myself. I'm not taking leftovers anymore. I realize that I deserve better. I deserve to be first and well cared for.
  It's not a storm so much as its a depressing lull between squalls. Boredom reigns. The wallpaper reeks of staleness and age. The carpets grown dusty and worn. There is no bright effervescent spark except when I close my eyes and drift far, far away.
I get it. I get that no one will ever truly understand another person's story, their pain and experiences but at least I'm honest with myself and acknowledge my struggles, emotions and triumphs. I share them.
I make myself real
Be real!