And yeah, I wear it well. Each vacation there always seems to be one shirt that strikes my fancy just so, and I must possess it. Finding this Edward Hopper, Nighthawks parody was definitely it! Love it.
I guess there is never a convenient time to start an exercise program, so today was the day. The fat isn't going to melt off simply wishing it was so. I figured since I was able to walk and move as much as I did in Oregon, I might as well double my effort and exercise every day. It truly does take twice the amount of effort whether it be from the allergies, environment, depression, whatever..it just needs doing. So, working on it.
I managed to get 3 more grocery bags to the second hand store. Oy, still lots to do but a little progress everyday will eventually get me to where I want to be.
I've put other personal plans into action so that I always have a project or goal to keep me focused. Even though I'd rather be somewhere else and I easily fall back into certain vacation memories, I'm here, where I don't want to be and have to make the best of it.
I've gotten almost to Friday!
I'm working on goals as I've realized my potential is much greater than previously thought. I don't think anything is impossible anymore. Deciding where I want to be...six months from now, in a year, two years. Planning...shit, having a future is very new to me. I wish I could explain it...
Time management is getting addressed. I think the jet lag has worn off; the headaches and heaviness have eased a bit, too.
There is so much I want to say. Mulling over in backrooms, figuring out the words, constructing sentences, writing on blackboards, match experience to emotion, describing emotion, writing, filtering what to share. There are so few that can fathom. Swimming in a very deep sea.
The ocean, roiling waters, mermaid tears, beautiful hidden living creatures float, drift as we walk, take flight. How vast the ocean must be. What mystery and majesty lurks beneath that goes unseen, unwitnessed, yet is.
Our awareness..limited by scope of vision. Only understanding where we are, where rests and trod our feet. Only as far as the eye can see. How vast the open mind. Released from purgatory bars and smoke colored glasses.
Standing and staring at the ocean. There often was one or two others, like myself, that simply stood and drank in the sight like a tall glass of water after a treacherous day long dessert hike.
I actually took few pictures. Mostly I experienced as consciously as possible, matching the moment to the smell, sight and feel, inside and out. I vacationed for me, and me alone, for once in my life. And I was the happiest I had ever been, ever could remember...ever allowed myself to be.
A wise friend told me..and I heard. Allow myself to make mistakes and not feel bad about it. Okay, she somehow said it more eloquently, maybe more simply, but I heard. Another new shoe to try on for the first time.
Standing in line, at the grocery store...I felt my whole body...from the inside...without having to look where my feet were, I knew. Proprioceptors suddenly working and I know where I am in space and time. More grounded in my body then ever before. Maybe it's a DID thingy, not sure, but it sure feels different and rather cozy.
A new topic...deciding when to fight and when to allow things to be. Discernment. When the Universe shuts one door, do I stick a foot in before it shuts? Or do I allow it to close of its own accord? Ah, methinks I have more choices and control over the doors. Methinks I need to enlist my intuition, my heart and my soul to decide upon these opening and closing doors. No longer am I simply a victim of fate, twisted and otherwise. Praying for wisdom and listening to inside. Sigh.
I've learned to wrestle and harness my own ADHD. Simply words and phrases. Telling myself that I'm in no hurry, nothing is urgent, taking deep breaths and pausing. I'm not running any more. I don't need to. Calmness and peace are not rare momentary gifts, more like everpresent and deserving gifts. I'm worthy.
Maybe I have learned a thing or two away...from people calling me Mom, and babe (but only when there is a mess to clean up, so not a term of endearment), a puppy or kitty needing attention, errands needing doing, this done, that planned. It was nice not having to be someone that needed to do things, behave a certain way, watch my language, observe the irritating scab picking, explain why we don't play video games everyday, did you do your homework and the twelve other questions asked every single day. Oy.
Yeah, it was nice...it was more than nice, it was great. I was happy, very very happy and I loved it.
Be well.
Thanks for reading
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