WOW!!!

So I had another meet & greet with a new woman tonight. To say we connected on a deep level feels like an understatement. We talked for 2 1/2 hours and made plans for another date in a few days.
I just keep thinking or saying aloud "WOW" and "OMG"!!! I can't even think straight or focus. I'm lost in some type of rainbow colored clouds. I haven't had such an intense reaction to a first meeting before. She is positively amazing and feelings are highly mutual.
Somehow, someway I am supposed to try and get some sleep for my two important appointments early in the morn. Just WOW

Rudderless in Murky Waters

Maybe aimlessly circling is a good, introspective place to be. There is zero forward progress and it's better than stifling stagnation. I'm circling my own wagons and pushing others away. I can't figure out what or how to communicate this internal stuff. I tried working out in therapy but it felt like I was spitting in the wind. She was talking to me as if I were a singleton, an NT that understand her language. I did not. She did not fail. I did not fail. It was just two people sitting in a room wrapped in their own dogma within their own walls and context. She didn't hear me. Didn't even know who I was. She rarely knows who I am and routinely calls me wrong. Another why bother. Leave me alone. Go away. My days of inner dialogue, the fantasy, imaginary kind, were ten times better than the shit of the nonsense hour as I watched the distance between us lengthen with each sentence she spoke.
I don't mind being lonely so much, as being lonely with someone else in the room is akin to headbanging with a witness.
It's true that my ability to express myself is injured, wounded and sulking, sobbing in the corner. I get that...but at least take a step toward my corner and off this singleton soap box that suits you for everyone else.
Listen to me and speak in simple syllables. She didn't even see me much less understand My plane.
I'm at the point where words seen useless, futile...like the words I make, out loud, are just for someone else to pop.
I've withdrawn, pulled back the troops, constructed a moat and am working on more concrete fortifications. If you are wounded, bleeding, confused or overwhelmed taking a step or two back seems to be the best option.

Time for an MRI, Therapy Disaster

Well, I've downgraded from the tight, castlike splint back to the easably removable one. The pain is intermittent only with movement but today I noticed the wrist does not look tight, especially over the scaphoid bone, the small wrist bone directly under Mister thumb. It's jutting out, for lack of a better term.
I've notified my peer support helper so that I can schedule the test when she can accompany me. I'm kinda concerned at this point. If I need to have the bone reset or have surgery, well, then that's what I'll have to have done. I guess it's rather common for scaphoid fractures to be hard to detect with just xrays, due to the shape of the bone. Yeah, I'm just a bit nervous, now. I was thinking it was just really slow to heal. I'll have to wait and see.
I had one of my worst therapy sessions today. Two completely different planets spinning in opposing directions. Pure, utter nonsense. Fail. Why do I bother.

Goals...i live for therapy

I was thinking about goals and how I've never really had any. You know, it's just about getting through the day. Then I figured..i do have a goal, something I look forward to, and that's therapy.
I guess with some people that they look forward to paychecks, promotions, graduations, anniversaries but those things have never meant anything to me. Well, I guess I'm using the word goals in a different context or in my own special way. I Do have 1 thing that keeps me going, that I look forward to and that feeds me in some way.
Since about 1997, my greatest times...not right wording...the events that I look most forward to are my therapy sessions. Therapy is a hugehuge part of my life. My life revolves around it and I revolve around it.

No harsh words spoken

Today was better than yesterday.
A nice, little reprieve from lying on the railroad tracks.
The night sky especially clear, unveiled and tranquil.
Walking at night proves to be healing.
Finished my painting. I want to say "It says it all, so clearly." But I know few, if any would understand.
A short day and a half till therapy and a much needed hug.
Just trying to consume some peace to sustain me till then. Therapy and Neo, therapist are two of my favorite things.
I require so little, yet hunger so much.

Living With Multiple Personality Disorder original painting

Today's introspective litany

Dismal dark dirty
Unwashed hands
Gritty water sieves
Through open hands

I died
Nine days ago
Yet through
God's grace
Or reluctance
I still breathe

The struggle is real
The lightswitch amiss
In the dark

Addressing Issues, AdIs, I can't call people by their first name

As long as I can remember, I have had great difficulty in calling people by their first name. It feels wrong, not like 2+2=5 but like 2+2=infinity. It feels completely unnatural. I often call others by Miss or Mr. followed by their first or last name. That seems to quell the uneasiness, using a title.
Early on, I thought that maybe it was just a sign of respect, my formality with titles. After all, I had to call teachers with a title and even aunts and uncles weren't spoken to without the Aunt or Uncle in front of their given name. As I've gotten older, the age/ respect idea seems to have left. With people younger than me, I continue to prefer not calling them by first name, either using a gender title or calling them by their full name. Most people don't object or even question my odd manner of addressing them.
I'm not sure why I have AdIs, addressing issues, other than I've seen this dilemma posted on other autism sites, so I'm going to chalk it up to being autistic.
This seems to be an absent or little writ characteristic of some of us on the autism spectrum. Just another one of those little things, small difficulties that make each day more of a challenge.
Funny example, I went to my local Urgent Care and was treated by a PA, physicians assistant. I kept trying to call her "doctor" and she would repeatedly correct me and give me her first name. Well, of course I couldn't call a professional by her first name, so I eliminated the problem by not calling her anything at all.
I've had a therapist for, oh, 6 months now. I can't say her first name to her face either, even with all the time we've spent together. I either call her Miss ***** or by her first and last name.
Funny, isn't it? How autism can turn something so simple into something near impossible. AsId Addressing Issues

Highlights of the Week, My mother the cold, heartless b

Once again, mothers day reminds me of what a failure I am to my own kids and what a heartless, cruel, narcissistic mother I had.
We'll start with her, who is frighteningly similar to my ex, both never to acknowledge any feelings or wrongdoing. Both self-righteous and blaming me for any and everything. And both not giving a damn about anything other then themselves. Both incapable of anything resembling love, or even like, even though those words were freely used.
It's been a boggy, quagmire of a week with sudden, catastrophic occurances materializing out of thin air. I injured my arm, a couple weeks back. I've had sprains before but I'm guessing this is more of a hairline fracture to my interior radius that will show up on the xrays due to be taken Monday. The pain isn't manageable to sprain like. It is intense, localized, wakes me up at night and causes fits of madness. I've struggled with pain management from simply getting pain meds prescribed to figuring out how often to take them so the agony won't set in and send me spiraling.
The pain is bad, awful bad, in the morning if I don't take something in the middle of the night. I have a sturdy brace that is affixed to my forearm. Any movements or actions will send the pain rapidly rising. I struggle. I've definitely been struggling...in many ways.
I've become disillusioned with my acupuncturist. It's been 3 visits and I even fell fast asleep quite rapidly this past week, sleeping so deeply I suffered momentary confusion and disorientation when I awoke. However, acupuncturist does zero diagnostic work, no checking of pulses and just puts the needles in places based on my symptoms. In my book, and from what I've read, that's a half-ass job. My energy has improved and my neck is less painful but...lets just leave that there. Yikes.
Mid-week I went ballistic in discovering my kid has been vocalizing bias and hatespeak. I ended up talking with him, at length, his therapist And his counselor at school to try and get a semblance of understanding as to why his behavior turned. The school counselor explained it to me most thoroughly. It does feel like I don't even know this kid. I guess the teen years are especially challenging for him. Anyway, it's been highly distressing and triggering.
I can't remember when I had a moment to myself whereby there wasn't anything on my list of things that had to be done. Not enough rest. Not enough therapy. No time for Art, my healing friend, sigh.
Facebook feels like each person is just circling their own wagon. Lots of self-absorbtion, so I don't bother much. I've been communicating with my woman friend almost daily. I really like her and hope we can find the time to get together soon. She's a pretty private person and an introvert. Two of the things we share and that I admire. No drama is a great thing.
Son and I spent the day doing laundry. Oh, what fun, Not. It got backed up due to my injury so one-handed mom and one-handed son, worked hard together to get er done. Then it was time for Dairy Queen. Man, it's taken awhile to remove that feeling of entitlement he had going. He continues to whine and complain over the simplest chores. I have no tolerance for that and ignore his whine. He needs to continue to pull his own weight and learn the tasks of daily living and they need to be taught by me. No cleaning lady here to clean up his messes for him.
Don't know if we will go out for a ride tomorrow or not. We will see how I feel.
It's been a highly, highly stressful and aggravating week. Begone!

How it feels...this introverted autistic life

A Hard Days Night, it's raining it's pouring

Boy, it's all been a bit too much lately. Between the arm pain, procuring and managing meds, doctor, acupuncture and therapy appointments, my son and school, plus trying to manage all the notices and confusing  statements from Social Security,  it's all too much. There hasn't been any downtime. I take that back. I have been finding time to take the puppy and go for hour long walks, in the quiet of the starry nights. It's been a bit of a salvation, really. Time to unwind and I'm think. It's very calming and comforting to stroll carefree in an atmosphere with such low sensory input.
The amount of daylight consumed with problem solving is at an all-time high. The past weekend, while fun-filled with movie, laundry and a ride in the country was part of my usual unwind schedule. I really need to slow it down. I'll do what I can to lower the stress load. As long as outer influences stay low, I'll be able to recover and enjoy life more.

The Sound of a Door Shutting is Triggering, Makes Me Freak Out Sometimes

Today was the first day that I realized not every abuse/ trauma survivor is triggered by the sound of a door shutting. I have experienced a certain amount of fear, anxiety whenever a door was closed with me in the room, to varying degrees, for as long as I can remember. In therapy with Neo today, I asked her if she was ever worried that if the door was shut that she couldn't get out again

 She said she had never worried about that, ever. That got me thinking. I had always assumed that therapist realized the gravity of the situation, that I was anxious as they closed the door. Yeah, I'm pretty stunned that I have been mistaken in this assumption for such a long time. So I'm trying to process this information.

Why do I feel thus and so?

I have a few different theories.

1) the sight and sound of a door closing could be triggering because whenever I'd be alone with my dad in a room, and he shut and/or locked the door, something bad, unpleasant or painful would happen. This Was often the case so it's my number one theory.

2) maybe it's a reminder of the various times I was put in a room and left there for hours, a common punishment, tactic.

3) this one scares me a bit to write so I know this issue definitely comes to play in this...maybe it was from remembering the times when I was quite young and mom would put me in the closet and leave me.

All 3 ideas strike a chord whereby I feel some emotion or hesitancy. I know they all happened with 1 being the most prevalent and 3 carrying the most emotion.

I don't "wear" or show my anxiety about closing doors very much, like most of the things that upset me, I've learned to hide or ignore them and not let others know lest they intentionally torment me with such information.

Hmmm.

I wonder if I'll ever be able to get over such a pervasive fear. It deeply affected me from quite an early age and probably involves a number of my alter personalities. I guess I just don't know. I mean, it's great that Neo now knows this but will it ever change?

Hmm, methinks it's a positive sign that I could even broach the subject with her. For all the dancing around we do, two steps forward, one step back, we must really have an underlying sense of trust with Neo, otherwise we wouldn't have given, trusted her with this ammunition considering we spend an hour alone with her in a room and all.

I wonder if other survivors have this trigger as well. It can sure make daily life, appointments, a real challenge. 

Aspie Life is Discomfort and Pain Management

I've come to the conclusion that Aspie life is discomfort and pain management.
Being Autistic means being in an incessant state of discomfort to varying degrees. Some days it's just a ripple and other days it's rogue wave after rogue wave.
Fitting in, well, I have moments I want to. I think that mostly I'm just trying to pass through unharmed which means unnoticed. Lights, sights, sounds and smells are all out of my control. Hmm, touch, others touching me is about the only thing I Can control. Interesting, sudden observation.
Thus, whenever I leave the house, I can expect to be uncomfortable...i just never know to what degree. Will I arrive home irritated, talking to myself, crying or relatively unscathed? I never know. Quite frankly, I'd rather not even risk it, staying home as much as possible.
Discomfort is the poor, younger brother of Pain. They share the same blood, you know? I'm not sure of where the line is whereby discomfort slides into mental pain.
So many types of pain, but I guess physical pain is the most prominent. Throughout our lives, especially as we get older, navigating physical pain seems to be a daily task. If you're under 50, you won't understand this, some day you will. My medicine cabinet is full. I never thought I'd become one of those people with an armfull of prescription bottles but here I am. It's a constant mental challenge to figure out which pain relief meds and/or tactics are needed each day. How much pain can I tolerate? At what point do I take these pills or those? I'm not sure. I'm second guessing myself. I'm trying to measure, so I can manage my physical pains.
Then you have our hidden friend, emotional pain. Ah, well, for those of us that acknowledge that we feel and seek to examine and understand them, emotional pain is quite real. Grief, sorrow, depression, loss, hurt, self-hatred, they are all...painful. The older one gets, the more memories, events, grief and events. They need to be properly stored, managed and disposed of, or contained, anyway.
I can only speak for my own life, my feelings and experiences....life is Pain Management, pure and simple.

Getting my act together

How about a pic

Okay, back up and running

For some reason unknown, I haven't been able to post on my new phone. A lot has happened. So much to say. I cringe when I'm silenced and unable to be heard and my blog is my favorite voice.
I'm quite pleased to be seeing a Beautiful Woman and going out. We spent about 4 hours, holding hands, Out in Public. I had never experienced that before and I really enjoyed it. You can always tell when a first date has gone well when you get asked out on a second. I'm pretty pleased to meet someone so kind, caring and warm. We already have plans to go out again. She's really a delight. Makes me feel good inside just to be with her. She listens so well, texts me everyday and she's very caring. What a pleasant change.
My blog may be having problems with photos, so I'll try posting without them for a bit.
I took the week off of therapy. I seem to have a more stringent version about how a professional should act. Last week, I got very uncomfortable and this, like wall goes up and I couldn't go back. Another appointment this week. I don't know if I'll be able to go or not. We will see.
I started acupuncture and had my second treatment. My body energy responds extremely well to treatments. My practitioner seems okay, kind of comfortable and she does excellent work.
Hand is sore. My son and I did laundry together tonight. It was fun having the two one-handed, mom-son team working together. I seriously sprained my left wrist/arm a week ago. Xrays, so far, show no break but a bad sprain. My sports medicine dr told me not to take off my heavy-duty splint except to wash my hands. He says I'm not out of the woods yet, that a break may show up, so more xrays in another week. Lots of pain and I'm managing it with pain meds. The less movement I do, the better.
That's it for this post. Want to make sure it Will post. Be well.

Does this work