This is really the first moment I've had in months, to calm myself down and try and catch my breath.
The last month and a half revolved around the Neo therapist dilema. First the ensuing panic of her leaving and trying to figure out how to make it through each day, followed by the consternation regarding whether to keep her or leave, followed by the frantic search for someone to talk to, a new therapist, then onto meeting the new one and formally firing Neo, till now, an uneasy peace.
The two months previous to this, was consumed with digging to the first split, the first trauma. Neo was exceptional in dealing with the littles, the youngest parts of me, gaining their trust and allow them to express the deep hidden darkness they harbored.
In a perfect world, I'd have two therapist. One for the memory world and another to help me navigate the external world. I really do continually have one foot in each.
Sigh.
The waters are calm. I can see my long absent reflection. Small droplets fall creating expanding rings. Once again I am alone at the deep water's edge. Yet again I am in touch with myself and can feel the raw scars of recent remembrances. I see how wounded I am.
I've been catapulting around the most trivial of arenas, swept up in tornadic maelstroms and violently thrown about.
I'm so very beaten. I am beyond exhausted and exasperated. I want nothing more than a canvass board, a brush and blue paint.
My life is a mockery, a game full of pitfalls and go to jail cards. The dice keep rolling off the table. Under the rug is dust and dreams. The clouds no longer sing sunshine but rain tears. Sleep is but a far away dream.
My aloneness is a conundrum of a captor both saving my from overwhelming overload and prohibiting me from human contact...human contact, the one item that being a Multiple cannot self-supply. My kryptonite. My forever unfulfilled need that reminds me I am human and not just one large gaping wound.
The need I cannot fulfill looms large, as it always has, as it ever will.
I have been wasting time on things of no consequence worrying about making money, cleaning house, appearing presentable and just plain worrying too much. These things matter not. My soul needs to be acknowledged and fed. With the finalizing of the Neo drama, I feel I can start to take tiny steps in my direction as my mind is no longer actively engaged in overdrive...way, way overdrive has been the mantra these past few months.
Ah, but for moments of peace and internal communion. Ah, for an easel and brush. Ah, for the ability to write words from within, without the chaotic need to vent and make sense and answer to...I answer to no one but myself.
Peace has found me. And here I will dwell as long as I possibly can.
Be well my friends
