I remember being hungry

I suffered hunger on a fairly regular basis growing up. Not the casual missing of a meal here and there, rather, counting down the five days till payday when mom could go shopping.
Days are long when you have nothing to eat. And I haven't been able to forget that feeling of being hollow, empty and wanting. It was scary then and I continue to reexperience those dreaded feelings.
I haven't been able to shake the feeling that I will open the cupboards and they will be empty. As a kid I felt like I was being punished for some egregious sin. As a Catholic I was sure God was into punishing small children that didn't obey their parents. I felt punished like i had done something wrong to "earn" these hunger pains. In my little mind everything that hurt happened for a reason and I was the cause in one way or another.
It's a kindof sick funny how I refused to blame my parents for the pain that happened my way. I must have been some powerful child to be able to turn the world against me so heartily.
I spent a few days being unable to eat. Let me rephrase that, any little thing I ate gave me such a stomachache that I had to retire to bed for hours as I just couldn't stomach anything as I hurt so bad.
Hmm, in writing oft things become clear...
I felt guilty and undeserving and like I was being punished all over again this past week. It reminded me of the time I hadn't eaten in so long that I had to be highly encouraged to take in food again.
My therapy is at that unpleasant but necessary point whereby I am feeling intensely, physically the things I experienced as a kid, as previously unseen younger alters rise to the surface.
Life gets a little tricky because I can feel a pain that happened 40 years ago as acutely as if it was happening right now. Differentiating between the two time periods involves a high level of awareness and logic as the pains of the past do not require medical intervention whereas if the pains are current, and not memory related, then I need to see a doctor.
It's a terrible challenge to try and distinguish if I need a doctor or a therapist.
I think that's where I am at right now, between the past and the present and working to figure out all these body sensations.
I think the hunger issue is related to the past. I have one of two flashbacks that I've been working to suppress and it involves sitting on the porch of my childhood home and eating a sandwich. It may very well be one of the starving child alters.
Anyway, it's really been a pill this week, dealing with food issues, memories and a body that doesn't feel good at all. It's rough but it's all I got.
Later

The Avocado Dilemma, High Histamines, Food Was Making Me Ill

Food was making me ill. It didnt taste good. I felt irritable and unwell after eating. I spent most of my time trying to figure out what to eat and why I felt so bad.
My boyfriend suggested I try avocado. So I put a thin slice on a piece of toast. I loved the texture and taste but...my tongue felt like it was swelling. How weird, I thought.
An internet search of "can I be allergic to avocado?" turned up "Avocados are high in histamine and may cause an allergic reaction in under 1% of the population." Holy cow!
Then I looked up "high histamine foods" and started checking off each listed food that I have had a reaction to:
Spinach
Shellfish
Yogurt
Kefir
Cured meats
Canned fish
Fermented Soy products
Fermented grains
Tomatoes
Wines, beer, champagne
I have previously had an unpleasant reaction to Each and Every food on the list!
Searching further, I discovered that some foods whilst not high in histamines themselves, cause histamine to rise and are called "histamine liberators." They are:
Pineapples
Bananas
Citrus
Strawberries
Nuts
Cocoa
Egg Whites
Whilst I did occasionally partake of these foods, I usually could only stomach a couple bites. They just didn't agree with me yet I did not have a huge, overt dislike of them.
I've spent hours reading these past few days, discovering what foods I should avoid and which ones are histamine low.
Yesterday was the first day I was histamine low and I felt mighty strange, but in a good way.
I'm starting to learn to cook so I picked up a butternut squash which I had never tried in my life. I had to learn how to handle and prepare it. I ended up baking a few slices of bacon, then cooking the cubed squash in a little bacon fat.
In my food research I discovered bacon was a natural oil to use in cooking and that it is high in oleic acid which is the same component of olive oil that makes it heart healthy. I chose bacon over manufactured canola oil.
Trying my first bite of squash, (I only prepared about a quarter of a cup of it, as I wasn't sure my energy spent chopping it up would be worth it, especially if I found the squash unpalatable.) I loved it!!! Gobbled up my serving and ran to the kitchen to prepare More.
After eating, wow, how to describe? It was like a smooth, comforting bandaid for my stomach and everything inside. Peaceful digestion. A very new feeling that's taking some getting used to.
Not only is butternut squash low in histamine but it also helps heal leaky g*t. (I can't tolerate the g u t word!!)
I ate half a squash the first day and the other half the second. I crave it and it tastes wonderful!
Combined with my low oxalate diet, which inhibits my lichen sclerosis, I am actively working to improve my health!!!

The Autistic Parent and Parent Teacher Conferences

As any parent knows, parent-teacher conferences are mandatory events to attend at least twice a year. Being a single parent with Asperger's, conferences have been proven to be a challenge that I have had had to modify.
Via my first disastrous, panic attack riddled attempt to attend conferences the normal, neurotypical way, I needed to find a way that works for me.
The typical conference setting is having all the teachers at individual tables scattered around a single, large, echoing room like the cafeteria or gymnasium. Parents are required to stand in line and wait for their turn to come and their child's teacher to be a available.
As I stood in line eyeing the length of the line, listening to the din of the crowd grow larger as I inched my way toward the room, I broke out in a sweat, couldn't stand still and felt compelled to bolt from the building.
With age comes wisdom.
This was my son's first year at a new middle school so bolting wasn't a doable option. I ran into the office, tears streaming down my face, in full stammer/stutter mode and asked the secretary for a room to calm down.
The secretary readily read my distress and ushered me to a small office whereby I blurted out that I was autistic with PTSD and I just couldn't do it (handle going to conferences in this format).
The secretary helped me decide on a different course of action. She said that she could get my son's report card from the gym and Then she would be able to set up times and dates whereby I could meet with the teachers individually away from the maddening crowd.
This Worked!
Whereas moments before I saw no options, no way to complete this mandatory task that I wanted to do, a solution arose from the ashes of my panic attack.
Thus, every parent-teacher conference these past two years I have gone to the office, spoke with the office manager or one of the assistants, and scheduled One-on-One conferences with each of my child's teachers!!
This works for me!
Sure, I go to the school 4 or 5 different days but the sensory stimuli, the difficulty of meeting new people that each talk and use words in unique ways, it is easier for me to handle.
I did inadvertently agree to meet three teachers, back-to-back in one day and needed to shutdown and nap the remainder of the day, however, next time I will schedule no more than two in a row.
I continue to learn how to manage being an Aspie mom navigating this crazy neurotypical world.

No Friends so I Hire My Support Team

Since the act of forming friendships seems beyond me, I've learned that with the help of decent insurance coverage, I hire people to listen to me, talk to and assist me with functioning.
Currently I have a therapist, acupuncturist and a chiropractor with whom I can engage in varying degrees of conversation in order to feel kindof human. And I saw them All last week. Hence this post.
All three I have been seeing for over a year. I have a positive working relationship with them and I have something to look forward to.
Lacking friends, these relationships are far more important to me and my emotional well being than to the average person on the street.
In my empty, deeply lonely world, they are life preservers that I get to cling to for short bursts of time. They keep me floating in these ever trembling waters, like guideposts or buoys, directional arrows and rest respite stops.
Sure, each one is only an hour at a time but thems vital hours.
Just sayin
If you can't make friends, hire replacements.

Sudden System Overload, Meltdown

Omg, all I did was walk into a store that I had never been to before. In those 20 seconds inside, every system was assaulted and I bolted from the store in a panic.
The first thing that went very wrong was the smell. It reeked of syrup! Why, I have no idea but this was very wrong for a Target store.
I kept thinking back to the Target store I used to frequent in Traverse City. In Traverse the store opened up on the left with a wide doorway that led into the rest of the mall. This new place had a solid wall, so I immediately felt trapped. (Trapped is a recent issue I've been dealing with in therapy and daily life.) I didn't know where any other exits were.
The aisle I could see had things haphazardly arranged, strew apart; it looked like a mess.
Random shoppers were clustered and scattered to and fro. There didn't appear to be any order: Chaos!
I spied the checkouts and, again, it looked disorganized. No way.
I turned around and ran for the exit.
I can't think straight. My stomachs upset. My head hurts and I feel very off.
I just want to go home and crawl into bed with the covers over my head and never leave.
Sure, there are more things I was supposed to do today but forget it.
Sudden system overload. Bushwacked. Done!