I suffered hunger on a fairly regular basis growing up. Not the casual missing of a meal here and there, rather, counting down the five days till payday when mom could go shopping.
Days are long when you have nothing to eat. And I haven't been able to forget that feeling of being hollow, empty and wanting. It was scary then and I continue to reexperience those dreaded feelings.
I haven't been able to shake the feeling that I will open the cupboards and they will be empty. As a kid I felt like I was being punished for some egregious sin. As a Catholic I was sure God was into punishing small children that didn't obey their parents. I felt punished like i had done something wrong to "earn" these hunger pains. In my little mind everything that hurt happened for a reason and I was the cause in one way or another.
It's a kindof sick funny how I refused to blame my parents for the pain that happened my way. I must have been some powerful child to be able to turn the world against me so heartily.
I spent a few days being unable to eat. Let me rephrase that, any little thing I ate gave me such a stomachache that I had to retire to bed for hours as I just couldn't stomach anything as I hurt so bad.
Hmm, in writing oft things become clear...
I felt guilty and undeserving and like I was being punished all over again this past week. It reminded me of the time I hadn't eaten in so long that I had to be highly encouraged to take in food again.
My therapy is at that unpleasant but necessary point whereby I am feeling intensely, physically the things I experienced as a kid, as previously unseen younger alters rise to the surface.
Life gets a little tricky because I can feel a pain that happened 40 years ago as acutely as if it was happening right now. Differentiating between the two time periods involves a high level of awareness and logic as the pains of the past do not require medical intervention whereas if the pains are current, and not memory related, then I need to see a doctor.
It's a terrible challenge to try and distinguish if I need a doctor or a therapist.
I think that's where I am at right now, between the past and the present and working to figure out all these body sensations.
I think the hunger issue is related to the past. I have one of two flashbacks that I've been working to suppress and it involves sitting on the porch of my childhood home and eating a sandwich. It may very well be one of the starving child alters.
Anyway, it's really been a pill this week, dealing with food issues, memories and a body that doesn't feel good at all. It's rough but it's all I got.
Later
Days are long when you have nothing to eat. And I haven't been able to forget that feeling of being hollow, empty and wanting. It was scary then and I continue to reexperience those dreaded feelings.
I haven't been able to shake the feeling that I will open the cupboards and they will be empty. As a kid I felt like I was being punished for some egregious sin. As a Catholic I was sure God was into punishing small children that didn't obey their parents. I felt punished like i had done something wrong to "earn" these hunger pains. In my little mind everything that hurt happened for a reason and I was the cause in one way or another.
It's a kindof sick funny how I refused to blame my parents for the pain that happened my way. I must have been some powerful child to be able to turn the world against me so heartily.
I spent a few days being unable to eat. Let me rephrase that, any little thing I ate gave me such a stomachache that I had to retire to bed for hours as I just couldn't stomach anything as I hurt so bad.
Hmm, in writing oft things become clear...
I felt guilty and undeserving and like I was being punished all over again this past week. It reminded me of the time I hadn't eaten in so long that I had to be highly encouraged to take in food again.
My therapy is at that unpleasant but necessary point whereby I am feeling intensely, physically the things I experienced as a kid, as previously unseen younger alters rise to the surface.
Life gets a little tricky because I can feel a pain that happened 40 years ago as acutely as if it was happening right now. Differentiating between the two time periods involves a high level of awareness and logic as the pains of the past do not require medical intervention whereas if the pains are current, and not memory related, then I need to see a doctor.
It's a terrible challenge to try and distinguish if I need a doctor or a therapist.
I think that's where I am at right now, between the past and the present and working to figure out all these body sensations.
I think the hunger issue is related to the past. I have one of two flashbacks that I've been working to suppress and it involves sitting on the porch of my childhood home and eating a sandwich. It may very well be one of the starving child alters.
Anyway, it's really been a pill this week, dealing with food issues, memories and a body that doesn't feel good at all. It's rough but it's all I got.
Later
