Things I Learned

In therapy over the past couple of weeks, my quirky Aspie brain realized:
1) just because people hurt me decades ago does not mean people nowadays want to. Autistically I think that if something happens once or a dozen times, that it will always happen.
2) I tried to avoid hurt by refusing, blocking my ability to receive any external love, even from safe people. In a very real sense, I have never felt love because I built a wall and refused to.
3) I don't talk much not because I'm extremely private, rather I am afraid to. No one was around me that wanted to listen or try and understand my odd Aspiespeak and unusual thought processes. In addition, my autistic tics and mannerisms basically made me afraid to move, feel emotion, interact or speak, afraid my autism would show.
4) I have lived a life not just of solitude but of extreme isolation. I'm finally catching on how very different I am from others.
5) metaphorically as well as quasi figuritively, instead of staring at a blank, empty mirror in my inner world, I am starting to see the outline, some basic features of my own face.
6) I've been desperately trying to convey my confusion and difficulty with everyday life and after 2 1/2 years I finally found the words to tell therapist. Everyone says, "oh, you don't know who I really am" but my inside, my self, how I think and operate is deeper, more complex and elusive than most. The layers of me, the scattered overwhelming confusion...hell, I barely know my own self and its intricacies and there are only three people plus a therapist or two, that have even been allowed to see just below the surface.
I am a fantastical, perplexing mystery that has been desperately trying to connect from one planet to another.
I just want to find someone to hold my hand and I am separated by a mountain range both one inside and one externally.
7) I have lived a life of incredible aloneness that I believe few have ever experienced and fewer still, can even imagine. I'm gaining insight, awareness and depth perception all because I found one professional willing to listen to garbledspeak, sputtering and stuttering, autistic chaotic rambling and the tiny voice that has been crying out since forever.
Everything is changing in a dynamic way.
The road strewn with boulders has turned into manageable rocks that I can either lift or move around.
The two 20 pound weights I have carried have fallen away as this storm no longer threatens to blow me over.
The self awareness has prompted me to be oh so much kinder and gentler to my battered soul.
I live an extraordinary life and I know it more intimately and I can appreciate and accept it with much more Grace.
The small steps, the bazillion small steps have turned into sizeable, stable strides.
My rollercoaster has leveled out quite a bit.
It is a smoother ride.

The anonymous life of a hermit and how she got that way

I have been ridiculed my entire life. Being autistic and multiple means that I am a daily plethora of anomalous and odd behaviours and mannerisms. From the excessive gesturing to autistic metaphoric speech, I have been a prime target.
It isn't that I am overly sensitive, well, I am a sensitive being but to be so made fun of and laughed at for just being myself at every breath and movement has definitely helped propel me into seeking the nonthreatening safe zone of desperately seeking no company but my own. I mean, I do not think normal and I do not even speak normally with both such extreme differences. I see that.
 I get that. The times upon times when people have made fun of me have piled high and created thickthick walls all because I do not want to be further injured by ridicule.
The times when I was told, laughingly, "if you sat on your hands you wouldn't be able to talk" or, in one of my phases where I use a certain phrase too much, "you know, you know, you say that allll the time" or the down browed remarks when I was so excited about some small thing and being told to "calm down, it isn't that exciting"....the list goes on and on.
When I am in the presence of others, I am onguard and no longer free to feel what I feel, say what I'd really like to say or move as I want to move.
No, people definitely do not like pacing or jumping up and down with extreme glee. And they made sure to point out every social misstep.
I stopped being able to be me many many years ago.
I stopped being able to say what was on my mind ages and ages ago. I cannot talk in my natural, normal for me way.
I had to become anonymous, hidden and isolated, withdrawn into the only place free of possible ridicule, my own home.
No one hurts me here. No one gets to give me dirty looks or make rude remarks. No one tries to subdue, change and temper with who I am.
I've never been able to be comfortable with my differences amongst others.
Being Multiple, I am different in every single way. Being Autistic, I think, speak and behave unusually in every single way. And others, family, friends, strangers in stores and people I would live with, have forced me to stifle, subdue and quietly drown, submerged deeply within myself.
I cannot be me outside my front door.
Being a hermit is my salvation.
Now, if only I can rid myself of all the pain and humiliation that has been perpetrated upon me throughout all these years....
It's a battle to be okay with who I am since who I am has been made fun of for so veryvery long.

I am a hermit. No one can hurt me anymore.

Autistic and Frustrated

The Weeklong Shutdown

It's been a full week of being unable to properly function, scrambling and struggling just to get food in the house, failing at being a good mom and just highly frustrated at my lack of ability to do even the smallest of everyday task.
I'm angry, bitter and disillusioned that what most people take for granted, what comes easily without fail, is elusive for me. I have to pay for walking out my front door and trying something new or old or hopefully healing.
The price is so steep...I mean, I just lost seven days of my life because I walked into a new building. Seriously!?! Why, for God's sake why?
And each day, this is my dilemma. Do I walk out the front door to gain something needed, required or enjoyed or am I going to stroll into the disruptive Autistic sensory overload and lose an undetermined number of days to shutdown and loss of function?
There Is Never A Clear Answer. I never know if I'll arrive home okay or on the verge of shutdown. This is an unpredictable, chaotic life in which I roll the dice Each time I walk out my door.
Yeah, I'm angry, bitter and disillusioned, at a loss for how to make my life a bit more predictable and functional.
I've cut back on as many extraneous activities as I can. I missed my coffee with friend and boyfriend date. Hoping to make it to therapy this week.
I'm cutting out acupuncture, as much as I like it and think it benefits my health, I don't want to lose another few days or weeks of my life. The price is too high and I'm not willing to pay.
I cancelled my conferences at school that were to take place this week. It is looking doubtful I could have been able to walk that far into the building.
Still in hunter/gather mode. Hope to have enough energy to drive to grocery store, ride electric car and pick up vittles for dinner.
No, I'm not happy. I'm sure it shows.
Hope your day is well.

Finding Self-worth in the dark, autistic and disabled

I've wanted to write about this for awhile now, trying to find self-worth when seriously disabled.
Back to the beginning, it's rather amazing that any child neglected and abused by it's own parents, finds anyway to figure out how to love and care for itself when no one else does. How does one manufacture a feeling never felt or freely given? Maybe it is imagination that comes in to play as the child can only imagine what it might feel like to be loved.
What a sad, morose topic. But surely the minority of us unwanteds deserve to be heard and acknowledged.
I think I spent a number of years creating other personas that I thought maybe the parents would love. Clearly, I had some deep, undeniable flaws that caused my parents to turn away, so I frequently made other "good" children in hope that things would turn around. I had no worth or value to anyone else. How could I give a tinker's damn about myself?
Fast forward 40 years, and I am still alone. I had two children so, automatically, I have some worth and impact on two lives. If it wasn't for them, let's just say my years would have been significantly shortened.
The rest of my family, the siblings, aunts, uncles, cousins, etc...I'm still distant or nonexistent too, having been autistic enough to have never been able to bond with others.
I was trying to remember the last time someone, other than my children, loved me...the last time that I had a person,not a therapist, that I could be myself and tall and be heard and be accepted and loved.
Well, that must have been about 25 years ago with my dearest friend Morgan. Sure, that time together has come and gone but I do have a memory to dwell on.
I can't say I've found much reason to stay in the present. Another autistic meltdown followed by a heavy shutdown has shown me barriers I hadn't realized before.
The meltdowns have become more frequent and hit much harder and longer than before. There are many places I can't really go and visit, knowing how easily I'm getting overwhelmed these days.
Hell, yesterday was a struggle just to get food to eat as I really want able to get to the kitchen, much less pick up some sorely needed takeout.
I need to spend more time planning and being prepared for shutdowns by keeping food stocked in the house.
I need to cut back on my outings and ventures. I need to have more "off" days and days of pure rest and isolation. I need to try and find some peace and comfort. Its proving to be a formidable task.
I've been examining my goals. Yeah, I've been believing unrealisticly. My goals need to be much smaller and shorter. I need to find meaning and value into just surviving day-to-day. It's really all I can do. Being more realistic based on experience.
I used to feel worthless being unable to work. Now I'm trying not to feel worthless being able to barely care for myself.
It's a precarious bubble I live in. Only I know how far I can push my autistic self to perform the daily tasks. Only I can judge my degree of tiredness and gauge whether or not I should venture out of the house each day.
It's a paltry existence but I was never promised a rose garden. I've got it better than some, worse than others. Just what it is. Trying to live within my limits and abilities.

Autistic Meltdown, I lose words, the ability to talk or How My Brain Turns Into Scrambled Eggs

I had a Meltdown today. My acupuncturist completely changed her office.
Meltdowns are Completely Unpredictable. I never know what will set one off.
My emotions get out of control. I lose the ability to speak in coherent sentences. And I have little control over what I can say.
It's like my brain turns into Scrambled Eggs and I am helpless to find the words I want to say And I start mumbling odd, nonsensical things.
My hands don't flap as much as they twitch and tic. Can't control that either. It's a helpless feeling. I'd be embarrassed if it had been with someone I didn't trust.
On my way home, found some really Retro 80's rock that I blasted in the car that helped to settle down my brain.
Been mumbling nonsense sounds, repeating phrases ever since. I took a xanax which does help a bit. Could have a strong drink but too early in the day.
Still don't have the words back, my usual ability to talk still compromised. I'll take my other med tonight which should further assist my nervous system in Calming itself Down.
My son is great. He understands that I get way Autistic at times and can't find the right words. Asked him to go to the store with me cause I'm still on tilt and easily prone to upset in my current state. I feel safer with him with me out in public. He's a good boy, good guy to have around.
This struggle for words...so clear. I know what words I want to use but cannot find them so theres lots of blank spots, partial sentences, brief phrases said.
When alone, I'm still mumbling and repeating things trying to get my brain back online.
I'd say It Sucks but it's just the way it is and I've always had these bouts of meltdown. Not fun but it is what it is.
Laying low. Drinking lots of water. Playing repetative video games that have patterns. Little things that help.
Yeah, I know others struggle through these meltdowns, too. Finding things that help.
Calming down. Loud, loud music. Love my car stereo, man. It's da bomb!! Had it cranked to 27 and it felt real good. Heavy bass. Awesome.
Chilling. Life goes on. Doing my best.