In therapy over the past couple of weeks, my quirky Aspie brain realized:
1) just because people hurt me decades ago does not mean people nowadays want to. Autistically I think that if something happens once or a dozen times, that it will always happen.
2) I tried to avoid hurt by refusing, blocking my ability to receive any external love, even from safe people. In a very real sense, I have never felt love because I built a wall and refused to.
3) I don't talk much not because I'm extremely private, rather I am afraid to. No one was around me that wanted to listen or try and understand my odd Aspiespeak and unusual thought processes. In addition, my autistic tics and mannerisms basically made me afraid to move, feel emotion, interact or speak, afraid my autism would show.
4) I have lived a life not just of solitude but of extreme isolation. I'm finally catching on how very different I am from others.
5) metaphorically as well as quasi figuritively, instead of staring at a blank, empty mirror in my inner world, I am starting to see the outline, some basic features of my own face.
6) I've been desperately trying to convey my confusion and difficulty with everyday life and after 2 1/2 years I finally found the words to tell therapist. Everyone says, "oh, you don't know who I really am" but my inside, my self, how I think and operate is deeper, more complex and elusive than most. The layers of me, the scattered overwhelming confusion...hell, I barely know my own self and its intricacies and there are only three people plus a therapist or two, that have even been allowed to see just below the surface.
I am a fantastical, perplexing mystery that has been desperately trying to connect from one planet to another.
I just want to find someone to hold my hand and I am separated by a mountain range both one inside and one externally.
7) I have lived a life of incredible aloneness that I believe few have ever experienced and fewer still, can even imagine. I'm gaining insight, awareness and depth perception all because I found one professional willing to listen to garbledspeak, sputtering and stuttering, autistic chaotic rambling and the tiny voice that has been crying out since forever.
Everything is changing in a dynamic way.
The road strewn with boulders has turned into manageable rocks that I can either lift or move around.
The two 20 pound weights I have carried have fallen away as this storm no longer threatens to blow me over.
The self awareness has prompted me to be oh so much kinder and gentler to my battered soul.
I live an extraordinary life and I know it more intimately and I can appreciate and accept it with much more Grace.
The small steps, the bazillion small steps have turned into sizeable, stable strides.
My rollercoaster has leveled out quite a bit.
It is a smoother ride.
1) just because people hurt me decades ago does not mean people nowadays want to. Autistically I think that if something happens once or a dozen times, that it will always happen.
2) I tried to avoid hurt by refusing, blocking my ability to receive any external love, even from safe people. In a very real sense, I have never felt love because I built a wall and refused to.
3) I don't talk much not because I'm extremely private, rather I am afraid to. No one was around me that wanted to listen or try and understand my odd Aspiespeak and unusual thought processes. In addition, my autistic tics and mannerisms basically made me afraid to move, feel emotion, interact or speak, afraid my autism would show.
4) I have lived a life not just of solitude but of extreme isolation. I'm finally catching on how very different I am from others.
5) metaphorically as well as quasi figuritively, instead of staring at a blank, empty mirror in my inner world, I am starting to see the outline, some basic features of my own face.
6) I've been desperately trying to convey my confusion and difficulty with everyday life and after 2 1/2 years I finally found the words to tell therapist. Everyone says, "oh, you don't know who I really am" but my inside, my self, how I think and operate is deeper, more complex and elusive than most. The layers of me, the scattered overwhelming confusion...hell, I barely know my own self and its intricacies and there are only three people plus a therapist or two, that have even been allowed to see just below the surface.
I am a fantastical, perplexing mystery that has been desperately trying to connect from one planet to another.
I just want to find someone to hold my hand and I am separated by a mountain range both one inside and one externally.
7) I have lived a life of incredible aloneness that I believe few have ever experienced and fewer still, can even imagine. I'm gaining insight, awareness and depth perception all because I found one professional willing to listen to garbledspeak, sputtering and stuttering, autistic chaotic rambling and the tiny voice that has been crying out since forever.
Everything is changing in a dynamic way.
The road strewn with boulders has turned into manageable rocks that I can either lift or move around.
The two 20 pound weights I have carried have fallen away as this storm no longer threatens to blow me over.
The self awareness has prompted me to be oh so much kinder and gentler to my battered soul.
I live an extraordinary life and I know it more intimately and I can appreciate and accept it with much more Grace.
The small steps, the bazillion small steps have turned into sizeable, stable strides.
My rollercoaster has leveled out quite a bit.
It is a smoother ride.
No comments:
Post a Comment