My ASB presents itself first as my legs feel heavy, my body is sluggish and I start sleeping 12-18 hours each day. It progresses to the point that I have to force myself, talk myself into, getting up to get a glass of water, a sandwich or to go to the bathroom
My breathing slows like when I'm falling asleep. My mind stops being able to focus. Then I fall into heavy sleep for hours. I stop getting hungry or thirsty. I can no longer take my dog for a short walk or walk the distance to get into my car.
It's difficult to explain. Difficult to believe. And a nightmare of helplessness to live.
There is no help available. No medication. No cure. Most people have never heard of it. So many disbelieve and attribute it to laziness or depression or malingering. It is no such thing.
ASB is the body's reaction to overstimulation, daily hyperstimulation and overproduction of stress hormones to combat daily life.
ASB turns Autism into a physical manifestion, a bodily illness that can be seen, felt and not at all understood.
One of the first times I experienced ASB was after my first ten day vacation through the Midwest. I returned home, face planted on my couch, lost the ability to speak and move, and fell into deep, numbing slumber. I lost control of my ability to function, even marginally, for a couple of weeks.
I lost friends when I could not speak to explain this physical mystery. I ended up in the hospital because my extreme symptoms caused alarm. I underwent every medical test available to rule out all the serious illnesses but no one had an answer.
I'm sure they all assumed it was "just in my head", a mental disorder I had manifested. There were no answers then, and for years. No one could tell me why my body and mind would shutdown for days and weeks.
I'm not sure how I stumbled upon the term Autistic Burnout but finally something fit together. Something made sense in the sparse writings of ASB.
It doesn't make it any easier to live with. It doesn't make sense to most people. I try and explaining this logical construct of how the Autistic brain gets overwhelmed but I think few understand it and fewer believe me.
I'm a factory of disbelief and impossibilities.
It feels truly helpless and awful. I become useless to the world and to myself. I cannot ask for help without lengthy explanation and if I'm shutdown each word, every small action is a heavy expenditure.
It's so miserable beyond comprehension. It can strike without warning. It is why I limit my activities, appointments, outings, even trips to the grocery store.
It's why I always have on hand two weeks of frozen meals. Why I have two weeks of dog food. And why I try and keep my laundry and dishes done. Because when shutdown hits, it is like pulling a lever that says All Stop. Every Thing Stops. Little mundane daily actions become mountains. Feeding the dog means I'll be passed out on the couch for two hours. A quick microwaved meal means I'm done for the afternoon. Bedtime ends up at 5 or 6 pm.
There is no help for me. No way to stop this bodily madness. No way to fight inertia. No way to slow the outer world down enough so I struggle less.
Autistic Shutdowns are real. They happen and they sieze and stop my life for days, weeks and months.
I don't know when this or any Shutdown will end.
Limbo.
Life on hold.
Autism
