What's different about me compared to neurotypicals

Describe Aspergers

What is Aspergers?

Alexithymia Autism and Emotions, I don't know what I'm feeling

My First Joke

What do you call a backseat full of stuff to take to the thrift store?

A good start

Don't think I've ever made an original joke before in my life.

The Meaning of Life...Star Trek The Next Generation

For some reason, whenever I start to flounder and debate the meaning of life, I start rewatching The Next Generation and things make sense again.

Why are we here?

The question I ask over and over losing minutes, hours, days.

Guess it really doesn't matter as there is no answer.

There is no other choice.

I breathe.

I eat.

I drink.

I sleep.

Seems to sum it all up.

I'm here for other people. 

What am I doing here?

Thoughts?

Stranger Things, What I Don't Understand

Everyday things oft befuddle me. Maybe it's just me who notices small anomalous blips of chaos displayed in world Neurotypical. Or maybe I'm the odd man out actually observing and aware of discrepancies. 

Case in point:

I remember when I would drop my son off at his grade school. Like a few other parents, I walked my child to his classroom by carefully maneuvering down a crowded hallway filled with the morning squeals of the soon-to-be educated.

At the start of his second year, I noticed one set of parents that brought their child to school and, for some reason it caught my attention that they always had their travel cup of coffee in their hand. This stymied me. True, they were the first, and, if memory serves, the only couple of parents who never entered the building without a cup in hand, thus they stood out to Aspie me. Plus, it was a practice that I had never witnessed previously.

This propelled my thinking. We're they worried that their coffee would get cold in the car if they had left it in its comfy, specially made for such a purpose cup-holder? Was their need for caffeine so overpowering that the thought of being without it those 5 to 10 minutes that it took them to wrangle down the hall left them sad or distressed in some way?

I could not find a reason that anyone would do such a thing, carry a hot liquid into a school, and navigate a crowded hallway with beverage in hand.

I mean, it appeared that all the other parents managed to get their kid to the classroom without a cup. Somehow, this couple was different. And I could not figure out the reason for their uncommon action.

To this day, it was a nonsensical act that they purposely engaged in each and every time they brought their child to school whether it be summer, winter, rain or shine. If they were in that hallway, they had cup in hand. 

Strange

Holidays and Aspergers, the not-so-festive Autistic

I have never been a fan of holidays. Here's the breakdown of the pros and cons of each.

Holidays- a designated day of the year whereby most people do not work, those that work get extra money (holiday pay), and it is generally a time for family get togethers, merriment, and such.

I deplore holidays and choose not to celebrate anything other than my birthday. The mere term “family get together” conjures up dark images of gift giving, drunkenness, and the tormenting of children. My family was seriously broke; I get that. 

In addition to false merriment, holidays can be crowded and loud events whereby a number of accepted social norms, hugs, eating, listening, partaking in games and ritual, etc., can be unpleasant for those of us on the Spectrum. A room full of festive talking, celebratory greetings, and oodles of noninterest chatter, is not a place I ever want to be, if given the choice.

The commercialization of holidays borders on mild insanity. I longingly remember when holidays meant no school and double pay at the nursing home job. These days, a holiday is just another day at home, hopefully with a football game on, or a good movie.

A brief breakdown of holidays, their pros and cons:

New Year’s Eve- the last day of the year; in the modern Western calendar, December 31. Typically, people gather and celebrate on this day. Tradition dictates one should stay up until the New Year. At midnight, people tend to celebrate by drinking, gathering together and couples or family members may choose to kiss, and there is loud shouting of “Happy New Year”. 

The pros-This is an optional holiday, typically one can easily get away with not choosing to celebrate.

The cons- People tend to gather in small to large groups, sometimes in public places, bars or parties. Often at least one person is drunk and disorderly. People are unpredictable when drinking. There tends to be a good deal of shouting, noisemakers, merriment that is loud.

Valentine’s Day- is celebrated on February 14th, a day when it is traditional to send a card or gift to a person one is romantically involved with or attracted to. Couples typically get together to exchange gifts, go out together, attend a movie, or have a romantic dinner together. 

The pros- I can’t think of any.

The cons- People who are single often feel lonelier on this holiday. Societal pressure says that humans should be coupled and VD day intensifies that. Aspies may or may not have a significant other. I rarely have ever had a “date” or romantic partner to celebrate with. I have been known to feel more depressed and isolated on this day. I have been known to feel jealousy seeing couples happily getting along. I want what they have but seem clueless as to how to get that, a romantic relationship. It is a bummer for singles, a boon for couples.

April Fool’s Day- is celebrated on April 1st. Traditionally, people concoct harmless and simple, or elaborate and bordering on criminal, pranks, tricks, or jokes to play on others. Interesting fact, 18% of Americans affirm that they have a family tradition of pranking one another on April Fool’s Day. 

The pros- if you enjoy devising pranks, it is legitimate to use this day to commit them. 

The cons- Where do I start? A day in which the usual, predictable routines of one’s day may be interrupted, at any point, by an unforeseen surprise. A day whereby it is acceptable to lie and deceive under pretext of fooling. I have learned to stay away from all social media on this day as I have had “friends” lie about any number of things from being pregnant to moving to changing jobs to getting a divorce. In my naivety, I readily believed them. I did not find any of it amusing or fun. This is one day I avoid and stay indoors and off the internet. This ties with Halloween as the two most dreaded and unpredictable of holidays.

Easter- the most important and oldest festival of the Christian Church, celebrating the resurrection of Jesus Christ. In the western Church it is celebrated between March 21 and April 25, on the first Sunday after the first full moon following the northern spring equinox.

The pros- Candy. Sometimes cake, too.

The cons- Mandatory family gathering, often large and extended family, you know, those people you only ever see at Christmas. Easter and Christmas are the two compulsory family gatherings with the most people involved, typically. May include other one-day a year, obligations such as attending religious services, dressing up in unfamiliar, more formal clothing, and the boiling and decorating of eggs, which may be a pro for some. Dinner table distress wherein others may comment on your limited food choices or how you sit wrong or make comments about how you eat. Some holidays you can readily sneak away from or avoid. This is not one of those in that it is quite mandatory that one must attend.

Memorial Day- a day on which those who died in active military service are remembered, traditionally observed on May 30 but now officially observed on the last Monday in May. I really like the idea and spirit of this holiday. It seems worthwhile. 

I always confuse Memorial Day with Labor Day even though the meaning of both is considerably different. Maybe it because they are both celebrated on Mondays and they are not Christmas or Easter. 

The pros- There are no set rules for this holiday. Not necessarily mandatory to observe especially if you do not know anyone who has served in the military. If celebrated with a family gathering, frequently taking place out-of-doors or in wide open spaces. Another pro is that they have banned “lawn darts”, those previously injury causing “toys” that were basically sharp, pointed projectiles capable of causing great harm. Lawn darts were banned December 19,1988 after thousands of injuries and at least a few deaths. Oh my, nothing more dangerous than drinking relatives allowed to throw lethal weapons with small children around.

The cons- Often a picnicy, family gathering event with the loud, drunken relatives who barbecue and grill. Strange food. Compulsory interacting with relatives or family friends through outdoor games, croquet, badminton, horseshoes, BB gun target practice, etc. and just plain having to talk with them.

Independence Day- also called the Fourth of July, a day celebrating the anniversary of national independence in the United States.

The pros- Fireworks.

The cons- Fireworks. Sparklers. I do not understand how people can hold the fire-flicking, small burn initiating sparklers. I mean, my arms are not long enough and no matter how hard I try, those small burning flecks hurt wherever they touched on my upper extremities. I do not understand how children and adults can tolerate sparklers. And they are a Big thing. It was a Big event and many sparklers were always bought. I was the odd child in that I tried to avoid the adults thrusting sulfur sticks into my hand and lighting them on fire. 

Firework shows at nighttime were pretty mandatory. Large groups of people gathered with blankets to sit on at a park or lakeside to watch firework displays. These events were crowded. The actual fireworks were nice to look at. There were always loud bangs, loud sounds and noises that would accompany certain fireworks. I never knew when enjoying watching the pretty sparkly colored specks in the sky would turn to cover my ears in fright because of loud noises within the firework. I hated all the wait time between getting to the park and waiting for it to get dark.

During the day, frequently there were those darn mandatory family picnics with the relatives and family friends, again. Not a favorite holiday but it being in summer and outside, it wasn’t as annoying and painful as some.

Labor Day- a public holiday or day of festivities held in honor of working people, in the United States and Canada on the first Monday in September, in many other countries in May 1st.

This is a holiday that I don’t fully understand.

The pros- I can’t think of any

The cons- see Memorial Day.

Halloween- the night of October 31, the eve of All Saints’ Day, commonly celebrated by children who dress in costume and go door-to-door asking for candy.

The pros- Candy. The opportunity to dress in a completely different way, if one chooses.

The cons- Strangers, hidden in costumes that are given permission to knock on my door and ask for stuff. People walking around, or working, and being allowed to wear costumes. Some outfits are frightening and disturbing. Some young people may choose to play tricks. Manners and Predictability go out the window. I do not like it when people cover their face in disguise. People can surprise and frighten with startling moves, and it is okay. The scary of others is acceptable and even encouraged on this day.

As a child, it was mandatory to pick out a costume, wear it, and knock-on stranger’s doors. This made me greatly uncomfortable. I’m grateful to be an adult who can ignore this holiday and its unpleasant rituals.

Thanksgiving- an annual national holiday marked by religious observances and a traditional meal including turkey. The holiday commemorates a harvest festival celebrated by the Pilgrims in 1621 and is held in the United States on the fourth Thursday in November.

The pros- lots of food to choose from, often involving pies and cake.

The cons- yet another large family gathering of drunken relatives, family friends, and second cousins you only ever see at Christmas. The big dining room table troubles of others making unkind remarks about your eating habits and mannerisms. Mandatory, difficult to find an excuse to not attend. Usually confined to cramped indoors due to winter cold weather.

Christmas- the annual Christian festival celebrating Christ’s birth, held on December 25th in the Western Church. It typically involves the gathering of family and friends along with food and the exchanging of gifts.

The pros- Presents

The cons- having to buy presents for others, often this is mandatory; see also Gifts. The most compulsory and typically the largest family get together with all the traditional trappings and cons of sizeable gatherings. I consider this the most distressing and overwhelming of holidays. I loved getting presents as a child but buying presents as an adult was fraught with great frustration and dismay. Some families, such as mine, also had required worship services at the local church. These services were usually crowded, stuffy, claustrophobic, and long-winded.

I did feel like the odd man out, the weird one because everyone else seemed to anticipate and look forward to Christmas. I did not. 

Birthdays- the anniversary of the day on which a person was born, typically treated as an occasion for celebration and the giving of gifts.

This was my favorite celebration, my birthday. The receiving of gifts without having to reciprocate was fantastic. It was the only day that was devoted to me. 

The pros- Gifts and Cake.

The cons- sometimes a family gathering which could be small or large.

I am set apart from most people in that I do not think highly or enjoy the majority of holidays.

If You Can't Say Something Nice...

Omg, I'm stealing Disney!?

And unfortunately, the following people are unaware that they need to...

Seriously, how am I today? Maybe I should start telling it like it is instead of bottling it up and letting it fester...

Say Uncle...

What does having Aspergers feel like?

This...

I wrote the book because a sentence or two could not describe the all consuming, every day experience of living the life Autistic. 

People Say the Stupidest Things

One of the things that astound me, is how often and with great regularity people quote the most ridiculous, unhelpful sayings.

When I was first diagnosed with Multiple Personality Disorder, now known as Dissociative Identity Disorder, I heard the phrase, "it will get worse before it gets better" ad nauseum (adverb referring to something that has been done or repeated so often that it has become annoying or tiresome.).

These ill-advised, well-meaning oxymoronic beings had no idea how terrifying received were their words. They had no idea that I was already deeply enmeshed within the battle of all battles, the maelstrom of epic proportions and feeling pain and dispare en masse and past the overwhelming point. I was awash in fear and panic deep into my bones. The chaos was consuming me with every breathe, yet, wait for it, "it will get worse before it gets better?"

No, see, they did not know, I was already living at worse, wearing it and eating desperation for breakfast.

I could not make their nonsensical, fear-evoking words stop.

I was unable to convey the depth of the hell I was already living in.

Their words, those words Did Not Help Me and served no purpose other than to allow them to feel better about themselves by expounding their haughty "wisdom" onto someone already suffering.

My apologies. I used to hear those words every few days, every week and I carried that grief, that fear that there actually existed some heinous pain worse than I was already experiencing, like maybe apocalyptic monsters were around the next corner waiting to hurl nails, mace and chain into my flash, each of my days, like an identification card in my wallet warning me what's next.

There was no next.

There was no getting worse.

And I resent those words and how often they were used.

Granted, I was completely unable to convey my heavy suffering and that others could not have possibly known what turmoil boiled within me, but still...

I wish others had kept these words to themselves.

They did me no good, just harm.

And Amy, once again, walks into the cellar, rolls out a barrel of stored pain and smashes open the cask.

It feels odd not writing a book

It was a long time, long-range, always there kind of quest.

Emptiness 

Aspergers and the Alien by Amy Murphy is available in ebook, paperback and hardcover on Amazon

All three versions of my book are now available on Amazon!!

Aspergers & the Alien ebook

Aspergers & the Alien, book published on Amazon Kindle

I'm so excited!!!

Years of work writing, compiling, and editing...

The ebook is now available. The softcover will be available in a day or two.

Lovely!!

The Violent Wind, a most windy day

Today was one of those days when the wind was so loud and unrelenting in its road, that we couldn't go outside. We closed all the windows too, because it was upsetting, erratic, and closed windows seemed to drown out the pestilence of noise and block the sight of leaves trapped and forced to constantly flap and frown.

It's been many moons since I was so harshly affected by a windy day.

The few short forays out to allow the dog a walk were met with cascades of clamoring leaves and gusts of assault upon my person. My hat needed to be held, as well, and securely.

I'm grateful that I was not required to be out of doors. It was much too unpleasant for me to bear.

The Last of the Mohicans movie is So Not the Book

I read the book and loved it! Fenimore Coop can tell a compelling, intriguing story.

The movie was such a huge disappoint, not acted out at all in the spirit of the book. Its a travesty, a bastardization and has little commonalities with the wonderful book.

Its a shame.

The movie should have been called something else because in its own right, it is a great movie, just not based on a classic story.

I clearly see my Aspergers when I'm around others, like they hold the mirror for me

I stopped by the local food pantry today. I was different from the others picking up food and different from the workers. I could tell by the way the volunteer looked and talked to me that I was different.

The other clients were talking more and there was a constant exchange between volunteer and client like a hot potato game for two. I could sense how their words volleys and played off one another.

When my volunteer looked at me or spoke, I dropped the potato, I dropped the ball. Deadpan. Silence. I couldn't figure out how to make my words dance and interact with hers.

Like taking wads of toilet paper and throwing it onto the ceiling for no one's amusement but my own.

I play tennis. My opponent is a wall 

I write and text and in my own domicile all seems fair and well but, when I step out my front door, all bets are off. I'm on my own. Playing solitaire while everyone else plays games and trade cards.

I feel completely normal, till I go out my front door.

Around others I can see my frayed edges, purple hair, dirty feet and collegiate, nonfitting lingo.

I've been home much much. Feels best to just stay in, immersed in my Autistic blankets of normalacy.