My So-Called Life on DVD...a review

For christmas I ended up with the DVD Collection of My So-Called Life. Since that time, I have had ample opportunity to watch it a few times. Now, I remember all the reasons why I liked this short lived television series from 1991.
MSCL was break-through tv. It was the first show that portrayed what life was like from the inside out. Angelas narrative thoughts were and continue to be, quite profound and very insightful. A glimpse into her world allowed other teenagers and parents to feel what it was realty like to be a teenager in the early 90's.
It is raw and gritty with the pumped up beautification, valley girl lingo,pimped up hair dos and clothing of Beverly Hills 90210 removed.Its the real deal.
Clair Danes is fabulous as central character Angela Chase. She is introspective and looking for love...trying to find herself amongst the ashes. Her mother, Patty, is a rather annoying character who reeks of perfectionist tendencies and over achievement. Ah, another child who never lived up to her parents lofty expectations. Yeah, she can be pretty hard to watch sometimes.
Her father, Graham, is well meaning, kindof searching for himself as well and extremely henpecked. He cowers to his wifes every whim and he don't wear the pants in that family, Patty demasculanized him ages ago. He does play the concerned, caring, even-keeled parent very well.
Wilson Cruz plays Rickie, the feminine, gay character that brought teenage homosexuality, homelessness and abuse out of the closet for all to see. I remember the weird feeling I got when he would just walk into the girls bathroom and like, no one tried to show him out...the girls just accepted him for, well, just another girl. He was a cool gay guy who wasn't constantly on the prowl...a great character and a good, caring, trusted friend.
Sharon is Angelas once childhood friend. Somehow they part ways in high school but manage to have that "sisterly" feeling towards one another. They still care for each other, just at more of a distance. Sharon turns out to be the character who engages in and talks about her sex life. OMG,teens have sex?? Yeah, it really was pretty darn honest and somewhat informative.
Rayanne, oh I struggle with liking this character. Rayanne is the flower-child of the single, "new age", liberal, hands-off parent who drinks cocktails in the morning and has no visible means of support. Rayanne is absolutely obnoxious in her manner of speaking, clothes, hair, you name it. She is the typical teen who skips school, drinks to excess, has sex with as many guys as she can and she is Angelas new best friend.
Angela and Rayanne are total opposites...maybe thats why they ended up as close buddies...each wanting what the other one has. Rayanne is smitten with Angelas caring father and Angela longs for the freedom of expression and non-overbearing, tolerant mom.
Brian Krakow is the guy next door, the boyhood friend we all grew up with. He is a straight A student, kind, never gets into trouble...and he harbors a long-hidden secret crush on Angela that he can never fully admit to. Yeah, Angela would have been so much better off if she and Brian had just got wild and naked one night in the bushes...but No, Angela falls for a boy named Jordan Catalano.
Jordan Catalano is nothing but pure, physical animal lust and attraction. He is gorgeous but not too smart. Heck, he can't even read but Angela falls for him. His goal in life is to be one of those guys that runs the snow making machine at a ski resort. And no one ever just says, "Jordan",..its always "Jordan Catalono" as if it is, like, one word. Jordan has problems and issues of his own from the illiteracy, abusive home life and being a tool for his friends, his guy buddies who practically drag him around on a lease. He is a cad for wanting to hide his relationship with Angela from them. Its almost like he is ashamed of her...and she takes it, for awhile.
Tino, who the heck is Tino? His name gets mentioned in almost every episode. He is some invisible, cult leader-like figure who: named the band Frozen Embryos and is the lead singer, gives rides to Rickie and Rayanne, arranges music gigs and doesn't show up, finds empty houses for the kids to party in, etc...
I like this series because it really was the first tv that was honest and true, not sugar-coated and fluffy. It told it like it really was..High School was uncomfortable, a jockeying for position, a conundrum of expectations from every direction, mass confusion, hormones,etc...
If you ever get a chance to watch this series or rent the dvd, check it out

Making Strange Noises...Theres a word for it...Vocal Tics & Aspergers

For quite awhile, I have been searching for the word or term for my various odd utterances...those moments were words escape me and I produce a series of vocalizations, grunts, animal noises, or otherwise strange sounds that are not words. Things such as aarrgh, which I call my pirate sound and tht, tht, tht, tht, in which it sounds like a rapid fire machine gun or phewsh, which is more like a cannonball hitting the water. These are some of the sounds I produce when I get stressed and my word/ verbal center shuts down or short-circuits and I am reduced to mere utterances.
Well,I finally found the name for it: Vocal Tic (also similarly verbal tic or phonic tic)- an involuntary sound produced by moving air through the nose, mouth or throat; VTs include throat-clearing sounds & sniffing to grunts & verbalizations of syllables & words, utterances of inappropriate or undesired statements or obscenities.
There are two types: Simple- single sounds-eg. throat-clearing, barking, sniffing and Complex-verbalizations- expressions of words-eg. coprolalia (from Greek kopros "feces" + lalein "to talk", involuntary swearing or the involuntary utterance of obscene words or socially inappropriate and derogatory remarks), echolalia (repeating of the persons own words), palilalia (repeating ones own previously spoken words)
VTs frequently change and vary in severity and over time remissions and exacerbations are common.
Whew, now that makes some good sense. That is what I have from time to time. I seem to only have vocal tics when I am stressed out or feeling strong, conflicting or overwhelming emotion.
I love it when I find the proper term for things and it drives me nuts when I fail to locate it. Every thing has an appropriate term and once i can find that term, it all makes sense. Its like I keep trying to build this house of cards and if I can't find the word, I can never get to the top...that one level just refuses to stay in place and support the next. Dang, thats a very strange analogy but it is the immediate visual that I experienced..somewhere, deep within my head, it makes sense :)

Being Alone...Feeling Lonely...

I don't know what it is about the past few days...but I have been caught in quite a personal dilemma. I want to be alone and i shudder at the thought of going out and running into people. I would enjoy going to the gym, I crave a workout, but the mere thought of running into anyone, known or unknown, squashes that possibility.
Its like I want to be alone...but with someone else. I have thoughts to share but I don't want to put out the effort. I feel alone in and amongst myself yet part of me desires human contact.
It seems like I am in a place where I just can't win either way I go.

And there are some things that I really wish I had an answer to... Why is it so damn hard to ask for anything? And why does rejection, saying "no" hurt so bad? It's not like I am a little kid and I can't have cookies fro the cookie jar but the fear of rejection does tend to keep me from asking questions.
Maybe its the whole "oversensitivity" thingy...I don't know.

Seasonal Affective Disorder....It does seem like my sensitivity level does go up and down and I realize that right now it is at a high point. Its really best for me to stay in and work on getting some better shielding in place. So, I guess I will settle for feeling somewhat lonely instead of being easily overwhelmed and unnecessarily hurt by well-meaning or average remarks.
It seems easier to feel alone and slightly lost when the ground and everything is so bare, raw and exposed.

Conversation and this Aspie

Believe it or not, I very rarely have face-to-face conversations. For the most part I have brief discussions with people as we are walking, at the same table side-by-side or sitting in a car. So, today, I had a face-to-face convo with a good friend and I was kindof surprised with how my Aspie behavior went.
Okay, so it was a bit longer than most of my talks...over an hour. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, don't get me wrong...I just had a heckuva time maintaining eye contact for even short bursts of a minute or so. I didn't feel that I was being polite by continually glancing out the window or away so i tried the "fuzzy" thinking whereby I looked in her direction but took on a "not really looking" approach.
Eye Contact...hmmm..it just seems so intrusive. Not when they are looking at me but when I am looking at someone else. I just really wasn't able to do it well today. Yeah, I surprized myself there. And I do realize that some days that social function does work better than others and it depends on who I am with but, really, I thought it would have been easier...much easier.
My second dilemma....I couldn't figure out when she was done talking or finished her sentence or thought. I mean, I am really listening, but I couldn't find the appropriate pauses or indicators that said she was done.
After interrupting her repeatedly, I noticed an interesting thing...When she was talking, after a while she would look away and continue her story. It was as if by looking away she was telling me that she was still on the same subject. Then when she did look at me, I understood that she had finished. Its almost like she, both very patient and probably tired of the incessant interrupting, was giving Me a clue.
I tell ya, I really fully watched and listened and I had no clue as to when her story was done. I watched her face very, very closely...and i looked for those pauses that were my cue.
And maybe it is partially simply her manner of speaking in such a calm, easy, not up and down tone that gave me more difficulty. Some people have lots of up and down and when the tone goes way down, its my turn.
Hmmm...I do apologize for my interrupting. I tried my best but this Aspie ain't perfect, darling. Yeah, I'm okay with that. I am so glad that I was able to have lunch with her and I hope I can read her a bit better next time :)

Thought of the Day....

I have traveled great distances

Acheiria...Younglink is a Natural Lefty

The above is the reindeer picture that Younglink made at school. He became quite "nervous" and uncomfortable when the teacher talked about what they would be creating. After consulting the teacher, she did everything possible to make it easier for him to complete the project and be proud of his work.
Anyway, I digress....today I finally got his occupational therapist to admit that Younglink is a natural-born lefty. Of course, the rub is...he has no left hand.
Honestly, as his mom, the funniest and quite amusing aspect of all this is that I had asked his OT on numerous occasions if his handwriting was so challenging because he was a "Lefty". She would just shrug and move on to something else. It made her uncomfortable. So today, when I said, "he is not naturally right-handed, is he?"...OMG, she turned the brightest shade of red and shook her head,"Yes".
I'm not sure why it made her sooo embarrassed to finally admit what my partner and I have thought for so long. Maybe its that its a new situation for this young OT.
So I told her.."I know there isn't a damn thing we can do about it but work with him." And I gave her a friendly arm punch and chuckled and said, "He's going to be working with you for Quite Some Time". (which, on the positive, is great news as his OT is a wonderful, patient caring person who very much enjoys working with Younglink and, likewise, Younglink adores her :)Plus, I wanted to lighten the mood because...Because..
It really doesn't matter what his "handedness" is!!!! Sure, it is a little more work for the little guy, but he is a trooper and he can do this! I will talk to his teacher and explain the situation so she can help him with his handwriting and be more understanding when she cannot read his writing.
Its okay people! For some reason, this amuses me to no end. Its just nice to have the answer sometimes, you know? There is a reason that he has to work so hard at making his writing legible...and its ok...we can deal...
Just wanted to share.
Oh, yeah, I did make an appt to have his "helper" prosthetic refit so it wears better. Maybe it would be helpful if he decided to wear it more often. We'll see.
Have a great day :)

Playing Games, Losing, Physical Discomfort

I have noticed a very odd thing. I play online poker rather frequently and lately, when I lose, I get a bothersome physical reaction to the point where I decided to stop playing. I have noticed this previously. It seems to be something that comes and goes.
The sensation is unlike anything that I can compare it to. It definitely takes place in the solar plexus, the area below the sternum and between the bottom of the ribs...like a hands width above the navel.
And it feels like, a pseudo blow...being punched, but vaguely. It is a sense of feeling ill, uncomfortable...not sure I would call it "actual" pain because its not as strong as that. It kindof makes me want to double over and protect myself there. It is definitely distressing and bothersome.
I have kindof felt twinges of it off and on, the past week..and today it just became way too much.
Looking back, I have had previous episodes. The only treatment I know of is to stop playing games for awhile until it is completely gone. Not a bad thing.
Its like losing is physically uncomfortable. Winning does have an effect, in that same area...hmmm...very weird.
I haven't read about it anywhere and I would like to find out more info about it. If anyone has heard of such a thing, or has experienced, please let me know.