Perpetual Misunderstanding

I'm hoping this week of frequent misunderstandings is over and done so that I can move out of this fret and worry storm. Three different incidents in which I felt embarrassed, pushed away and discarded plagued me like cloaks of locust.
My usual, come near me/ go away temperament is in full swing. At least once a month someone will inquire as to whether or not I'm upset with them. My moody Aspie/ DID persona, which has always run hot and cold, has been prevalent and, no, I'm not bothered by anyone or what they've said...I'm just seriously moody and dissociative.
One minute I'm chatty, the next I retreat and feel highly introspective. I'm guessing I'll continually be fielding this question as my behavior runs deep and true. Hence, this is the number one reason Amy has no friends. Some things I can't change even when I want to.
Thanks for reading and sticking around.

Self-Restraint, Self Control and Aspergers

I didn't realize it, till last week, but I wake up in morning and put on two straitjackets. No, make that one straitjacket and a muzzle.
From the get-go, I start monitoring and censuring my verbalizations and my erratic, unpredictable body movements. One would think and ponder why I would need to do this not only on the outside of my home amongst peoples, but also, most definitely within my own secure environment.

The first answer that springs to mind, I have kids. And kids mimic parents. If mom screams at spiders and dad throws chairs you will probably have a child who turns in to an adult who screams and throws chairs. Look it up. It happens...common knowledge.
So, I didn't want my boys to "pick up" and imitate mommy and her ticky little dances and talking off the top of her head to herself. It just seemed very prudential, practical, necessary.
Thus I have lived in a state of perpetual self-restraint and self-censorship. And it has pretty much felt like a cage with shades and blinds. I mean, how can i be happy and comfortable with who I am if i am so afraid to show my true self? Really?
Another factor would be..hmmm, a bit tougher here...I..don't want to embarrass myself..to my self. I know what looks stupid and mental and I didn't want to see my self behaving in ...hmmm, autistic, spastic ways. Yeah, I didn't want to embarrass myself.
How can one like oneself when the majority of existence is spent hiding and covering the mirrors?
So, at home, my haven of safe, I was anything but free.
The whole going out in public, everyone can understand relatively easy with half a brain. Public embarrassment, saying and blurting out the wrong things, ticky dances are simply not acceptable behaviors..I get that.

Funny thing happened last week...you may have heard about it:)
I went to an autism conference and from my own judgement the vast majority of peoples at this whole hotel were educators and peoples familiar with Aspergers and Autism. And I felt really, really free.
I mean, where else could I have left the straitjacket and muzzle at home and gone skipping down the hallways when I felt like it? Where else would I have felt comfortable, pilfering party favors, asking strangers for strange things and not feel at all self-conscious? Where else could I have asked complete strangers if I could touch their pretty shiny things? (See previous post on Magpie Syndrome..yeah, I am still stuck there. I don't get out much and there were Lots and Lots of pretty shinies :)
I know of no other location where I could freely and out loud be Aspie. And I graciously and with humbled pride easily announced it to everyone I met. Never before, cupcake, never before. I found it incredibly freeing and liberating.
I have been known to laugh out loud, not often and it highly depends on the company and amount of alcohol I have ingested, but it can happen. However, I have never (except with my Partner) rip-roared laughed and chuckled, oh chortled (dic: to make or utter with a gleeful chuckling or snorting sound) in the presence of any one else ever. Omg, it was a riot. I just let it all hang out...I kid you not. And even more astounding, I wasn't embarrassed.

Man, I really let myself go and I saw myself in brand new ways. And I didn't realize how much energy and effort I was putting into self-restraining every word and motion from the moment i got up in the morning until 2am when I went to bed at night.
You see, even home alone, I felt ashamed which is even a more appropriate term than embarrassed as it implies a certain degree of shame and self-loathing. In a strong way, I was denying who I truly was...my Aspergers, my Autism. I have been so self-conscious and hidden, even to me. There were just so many barriers, layer after layer of them that I had been incorporating over the many years.
But then, I got to experience who i really am...and Honey there ain't any going back.
I refuse to go back into the dark, in the recesses of the closet, back into that cage-like, muffled existence. I refuse to be ashamed or embarrassed at that which God made in such perfection. I simply will hide no more, especially from myself. I am allll good. I am Aspie

101 Reasons Not to Talk...Going Non-Verbal..Aspergers

Last week, as I was walking with a friend of mine, I very off-handedly and off-the-cuff stated half-jokingly, that there are 101 reasons Not to talk. Whilst it was an exaggeration, there really are a couple dozen valid Aspie-headed reasons not to say a word.
I realized that one of the main reasons that I do not, as a rule, ask personal, socially acceptable questions like,"How are you?", "What are you doing?", "what do you think?" is that if I ask a question, say, "What do you think?" then that ..opens me up to get that same question asked back at me. Its a socially acceptable custom I noticed years ago. And I avoid that at all costs.
Its like, I am very inquisitive and curious as to how those neuro-typicals operate and think, but in order to find that info out..I have to take a huge risk and I might very easily, be put on the spot and the question mimicked back. Don't really want to go there.
As an example...I don't recall ever asking someone, "What are you thinking?" other than my Partner of 17 years. Before I even asked, I had to seriously contemplate whether it was worth it to ask when it might rebound. I took that chance and thankfully, it did not bounce back. Whew.
"What are you doing?" is a big toughie as it feels like I am invading someones privacy, sanctity, space and private world...OH, that's right...nt's don't live in little secure, predictable fortresses like I do..Note-to-self :)
I am finding that the average NT frequently likes to share thoughts, inner musings and such with a much greater frequency than I ever imagined. Its like, with some people, the door is always open. Hmmm, as opposed to the Aspien way of the door is always shut and "Don't you dare Knock" attitude is often present:)

What I consider as serious, heavy-duty personal questions (How do you
feel about that? and "What do you think about that?) are nothing more than average NT social questions. So, you can see why this Aspie has been rather seriously hampered in the social graces and everyday inquiries and banter.
Plus, if I ask.."How are you?" , they might really, really tell me and it could be they think ill of me or there is a huge family drama going on or they might solicit my advice on their intimate personal problems or tell me something graphic or otherwise, upsetting. Too Much Info. Plus, factor in the, sometimes I really don't care and I am trying to be polite. Hurdles and Obstacles in the form of verbal banter.
Questions are huge challenges and full of potential problems. So, except for friends and the perfunctory "How are you?" I tend not to ask them too often.
And its none of my business. Ouch, where did that come from? I guess rejection and rudeness is also a potential that concerns me. I mean, how many times, in my sweet, family of birth, did I ask something and was told to "Shut Up" and that it was none of my business?....far too often.
So, thus is one of the Biggie reasons that I do very little inquiry and why I am quite careful in who I ask what to:) Just wanted to share....peace out

Oh, too funny, as I write this my radio is playing No Doubt and "Don't Speak". How appropriate :)

The Visual Thinker, Conversation, Communication...Autism, Aspergers and Me

So, I went to this conference lest week :) And on the 3-4 hour drive back home, I was actively engaged in a conversation of many parts, particulars and subjects.
Later that night and the next day, I was recalling the talk and picking out what was said and looking at it.
The most unusual and unexpected thing happened and I will attempt to accurately explain it here.
As I worked to remember a subject discussed, say, when my friend asked me what my ideal job would be..I saw us pulling into a local store, exactly where she asked the question. In a "slippery" reality way, I was there.
The same thing happened as I recalled the entire rest of the conversation.
I asked her if she wanted to stop and visit my family, on US 31 near the 28th street exit. We talked about all the different places I lived by the veterans cemetery and Riverside park in GR. My hospital stays were at Alpine Ave exit. I brought up special interests, the Holy Grail and my friend, Bob, sitting at Wendys eating fries and burger.
As the landscape became more diffuse...all the way from Muskegon/ Whitehall to the Hart exit there really are no major landmarks...my recall is more fuzzy. Like, we talked about dogs, pets, neighbors, relationships, kids..all within that blank area. I can recall the things we said but definitely, not as clear. Much, much harder to remember and put in chronological order.
Once we hit Ludington, a city with many buildings and landmarks, once again...clarity. Imaginary friends, visual thinking, my reality, nursing homes, elderly versus children with disabilities.
That is so funny and odd. I do better at memorization with a moving and changing landscape. That would explain why Eldest, my almost non-verbal aspie, converses most when we are walking or driving.
I'm just guessing but it seems our brains work differently when sitting still in the same room as opposed to in motion.
I have never read anything about this subject in books or caught it on the internet. Very interesting.
Obviously, if I had any doubts that I was a visual thinker...they were erased.
My mind, very subconsciously, as I had made no conscious effort to do so, was scanning the horizon, my immediate environment and linking my location with what was being said.
It must be some sort of aspergian "memory tool", because I am easily, very easily able to recall almost the entire 4 hour conversation.
I cannot ever remember being aware of this feature in any way, before this past week. And to have it be so...thorough and specific. I mean, just think of the length of the talk....How many people can recall entire conversations that are that long?
Part of me wonders, what would it have been like...would i have been able to remember so well, if the we were not on the road and the scenery was constantly changing? Would it have been the same had it been a different companion?
It wasn't an earth-shattering sharing of very important, vital information...No, nothing more than a friendly chat.
I find this very interesting and downright fascinating. See, every now and then I am amazed, astounded and very impressed with how my Aspie mind works. This would be one such occasion :)

Having Aspergers..trying to figure it all out

Now that the endless replaying of the conversations from my three day enterprise have been somewhat dissipated by writing about them and getting them out of my head...things are a bit clearer.
I think I mindlessly or unconsciously play things over and over to understand and comprehend, figure out and pick out what is important and what needs to be remembered and partly, because sometimes they downright amuse me especially new and intriguing stuff.
So I wrote earlier in the day, did some mandatory outing and took a heavy-duty nap. Upon awakening, the conversation tapes had stopped and my latest song/ mantra could finally be heard clearly.
Wow, this past week...hmmm..I can see that it can easily be weeks if not months, before I partition, research and disseminate all the info I learned in a sparse three day event....I kid thee not.
I never felt overwhelmed at the event and I certainly do not now...I just see so very much.
The first and oft most challenging part about writing about Aspergers is figuring out what makes me different from NTS. And if you live within your own walls, if you venture outside of your own home maybe once or twice a day, sometimes...if you get together with a group of people for a social function, funeral, wedding, meeting, get together less than once every six months...One is a serious isolationist and it is really hard to see outside ones own skin.
I have found that words mean one thing to me, usually the literal, dictionary version, yet, these same identical words in the NT world, have ten different degrees of meaning. Thus when I say I lived alone, I mean truly A LONE....but others didn't get that...most people have independent and then group generalizations of a word..and its usually quite different than mine.
I'll have to slowly get into the emotional content that has been recently revealed, as some of it seems rather volcanic in nature.
The biggest and most prevalent emotion being one of anger, frustration and resentment. I am downright pissed off that I have been using all the right words in trying to express myself and no one was able to comprehend them. I have felt like such a fuck-up and an awesome village idiot for naught. More on that later.
And yes, I have a sense of humor and yes, I can lie and yes, I have great depth of caring and empathy and all those other pissy little, stupid-ass aspergian myths and generalizations that are paraded around as the only way to tell an aspie from a hole in the ground.
Okay...down boy, down, and I have decided to move off my little island and onto the mainland. Granted I actually do carry a ten foot stick that looks more like one of those lances carried by the knights in medieval times and it is pretty with its white color and red winding stripe and it is retractable and flexible but I do carry it because this is a new and wary place to be. Currently, I am pacing the perimeter watching for unfriendlies and establishing my new boundaries.
There is tons more stuff on the way as energy and time permit....take care
(Holy Shit, Batman, I found a jousting lance exactly as I pictured it...its those little things in life that delight me so)

Inside My World

Sometimes people say the same thing over and over and fail to ever really explain what they mean.
Frequently, I have been know to say "that I live in my own little world". I think that deserves an explanation. Lets' go there....
I live largely within a world of thought, memories, possibilities and emotations. Its like living in a very large room that is filled with loops, streams, fragments and spheres. At times, it seems very crowded and different shapes vie for my attention. Frequently one of these small floating arenas engulf me and I become engrossed, almost trapped and have a hard time escaping whatever thought or memory has captured my attention. Each shape contains either large or small bits of information. Mostly, I sit back, within myself and am analyzing.
Frequently, I am sure it appears, that my eyes have glazed over and it appears that "no one is home". At those times I am all inside...sometimes pondering, sometimes escaping whatever reality is outside of me and taking place.
Various things, such as "what was that conversation about yesterday" "can I remember it word for word?" "what was meant by thus and such" "did I convey what I needed to?" "when I said thus was I heard?" pertain to previous, mostly recent, conversations. Often, hours or days later, I find things that I missed in the conversation..sometimes very important things.

I have very little interest and awareness of the world outside of myself. I have a very narrow lens and rarely notice things, people, situations, words or ideas, that do not pertain directly to me. I have no interest in false gods, celebrities, current tv programming, popular culture, the latest novel, gossip of any kind, predicting the future or where I want to be five years from now, who is dating who, what the most popular song was in 1952, the latest diet or exercise craze, fads of any kind, and hypothetical what ifs.
The majority of my waking life is consumed with how to get through it, my home, my castle, my friends and my family and keeping myself functional. That takes up about 98% of my every day. Seriously, I wish it were only some bad joke but the vast majority of my day is actively engaged in basic functionality.

Words are mutable things of varying caliber, degrees and with a plethora of meaning depending on context, stress, the particular speaker and the spirit in which they are said....very complex. I can easily spend days analyzing a five-minute conversation....easily. For I do want to understand and comprehend..it just doesn't come easy.
Having to spend so much effort figuring out the words, leaves little time for glances and observations regarding facial expressions and body language. I am simply too focused on the words.
And, yes, most people speak at a normal rate of speed that is far too fast for this and other aspies. Either my word processing program is running too slow or I am actively engaged in trying to remember everything that I need to say and searching for pauses in the chat.
I can spend hours planning a five minute conversation for, say, the next day. I have to figure out my points, what is important and put it in a presentable cohesive, easy-to-understand manner.
Lost in thought...yeah, I am frequently there but it has purpose.

So say that I live in this very large room with floaters. I stand in the middle. There must be a door here somewhere for a connection to the outside. Sure, there is one over there on the right. One small doorway that opens to a very narrow, steep, twisty-turny hallway that is about a mile long. (Yeah, I am usually pretty hard to reach.) Every now and then someone ventures down the hall and knocks at my door...Most of the time, I simple do not hear the knock.The depths, focus can prevent that. Sometimes I do and ignore it. I think, most often, people arrive at the door, sense the...depth and treacherousness of the hallway and fear actually knocking. Can't say that I blame them...it is a most unusual stride to the door.

When I venture out...my view of the world outside of myself, outside of my physical home...
To be honest, its a war zone...a chaotic, ever-changing, daunting and somewhat dangerous place full of unpredictability, unspoken expectations, unwritten rules and a constantly changing landscape of mountains and pitfalls.
I constantly seek safe zones and safe people. When that doesn't work, I resort to using pre-approved patterns and manners of walking, behaviors and mental games to get me from point a to point b.
Stepping outside is sensory overload, pure and simple. Its an assault of the senses, a mental maze and all systems up and running, a time of high alert.
The highest variable is people."Who will I run into?" "What will I say?" "What will they ask?" subject matter, mood, will I be able to read them?
Some days I avoid most people..other days I seek them out.It just depends.
Mostly, life is a wicked game of survival..figuring out the bare minimum of what needs doing outside and staying mostly in. Venturing out requires a great deal of pre-planning and effort.
Little things are big things for the aspie. As an example, one of my current dilemmas is something so small,so simple, so not-an-issue for the nt that I hesitate to mention as I am sure it will induce ridicule and absurdity on some level. I can't find a pair of socks to buy that doesn't feel like sandpaper on my feet. I had a dozen pair of the most perfect of socks, all cotton, black, medium weight and they fit and felt just right. Well, I went and wore them all out, getting holes in the heels and had to start pitching them in the garbage. When I was down to one or two pair, I went to the local store where I had purchased them to stock up. Lo and behold, they no longer exist. While they carry the same brand, they have introduced lycra and form-fitting alterations that pinch and do not feel right. I spent that day going to every store in town in the simple and futile attempt to locate a damn pair of socks that i could wear with ease. They no longer exist. My search continues....Yeah, I want so much from life...a damn pair of socks..and no where to be found.
The everyday task of cooking a meal is a complex endeavour. First off, I have to figure out what everyone wants and is willing to eat. Then the grocery list and actual shopping. Being in the kitchen, cooking a meal is a multi-step event that needs careful planning. I frequently talk to myself to help keep me on task and remembering what the next thing is to do. There are also three separate timers that help guide me and keep me from burning and overcooking things. More than once, our smoke alarm has signaled "dinner ready". The average meal probably takes me twice as long to cook and is just another stressful event to try and muddle through.

I like my world inside, mostly due to its low-stress and somewhat predictable nature. I don't have to perform and pretend to be normal. The sometimes overwhelming stress of outside reality will literally throw me into my space so deeply and with great fervor, that its like being locked into a closet. It gets dark and I can't find the door handle to get out even if I wanted to.
The predictability, the patterns I create are so that i can actually have moments, yeah maybe a moment or two where I don't have to actively think. Because the majority of my life, my everyday life, is spent in the thinking process, just trying to get through the day. This is so not a normal, neuro-typical existence....it is so much more work. Some day, I hope to convey that in a depth, meaning and way that doesn't sound so self-pitying and depressing because it is an important point.
You have no idea the sheer amount of work, effort and stress that is required for this aspie to get through an average day. It truly is impossible to fathom. I have great admiration for those aspies who can actually hold down and maintain a job, even a part-time one.
As for parenthood, knowing what I know now,I probably wouldn't have done it. It has not turned out very well. I think my kids suffer needlessly do to my inability to be outside my head and much more aware of who they are and what their needs may be. My focus is so extremely narrow, my introvertedness and hermitage like existence has not allowed me to see their weaknesses and areas needing assistance. My central focus of survival has not helped them in any way, shape or form and having kids was not a really good decision.
But here is where i am....this is what needs doing.

And people ask, I kid you not and this is rather novel...People ask how they can help an aspie. (And I would like to take these requests, mold them into solid form, like a small statuette and set them upon the mantel because they are priceless) So I am going to answer...You keep knocking. And if the door doesn't open, you try again. You don't give up. You make your voice and your physical presence known and available. You listen. You hear. You do not embarrass or make fun of. You do not put the spotlight on. You allow the aspie to be themselves with subtle guidance through the murky waters. You understand or are willing to try and understand that the world is a very scary, overwhelming place and that even simple, mundane tasks require great effort and thought. You realize that your own speech (that which you say when talking to an aspie), is frequently, like trying to decipher a foreign language. You talk slower and listen harder. You are aware that the aspie speaks in a language all their own and try and learn it. You can somewhat grasp the reality that an aspie needs lots of downtime and opportunities to process information. Please don't always expect an immediate answer. You get the idea that emotions and stress can sometimes have a more noticeable, dramatic effect on the aspie. And that Tics Happen, no big deal, just part of being Aspie. Be patient. Be kind. Its really that simple.

Conversation and this Aspie

Believe it or not, I very rarely have face-to-face conversations. For the most part I have brief discussions with people as we are walking, at the same table side-by-side or sitting in a car. So, today, I had a face-to-face convo with a good friend and I was kindof surprised with how my Aspie behavior went.
Okay, so it was a bit longer than most of my talks...over an hour. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, don't get me wrong...I just had a heckuva time maintaining eye contact for even short bursts of a minute or so. I didn't feel that I was being polite by continually glancing out the window or away so i tried the "fuzzy" thinking whereby I looked in her direction but took on a "not really looking" approach.
Eye Contact...hmmm..it just seems so intrusive. Not when they are looking at me but when I am looking at someone else. I just really wasn't able to do it well today. Yeah, I surprized myself there. And I do realize that some days that social function does work better than others and it depends on who I am with but, really, I thought it would have been easier...much easier.
My second dilemma....I couldn't figure out when she was done talking or finished her sentence or thought. I mean, I am really listening, but I couldn't find the appropriate pauses or indicators that said she was done.
After interrupting her repeatedly, I noticed an interesting thing...When she was talking, after a while she would look away and continue her story. It was as if by looking away she was telling me that she was still on the same subject. Then when she did look at me, I understood that she had finished. Its almost like she, both very patient and probably tired of the incessant interrupting, was giving Me a clue.
I tell ya, I really fully watched and listened and I had no clue as to when her story was done. I watched her face very, very closely...and i looked for those pauses that were my cue.
And maybe it is partially simply her manner of speaking in such a calm, easy, not up and down tone that gave me more difficulty. Some people have lots of up and down and when the tone goes way down, its my turn.
Hmmm...I do apologize for my interrupting. I tried my best but this Aspie ain't perfect, darling. Yeah, I'm okay with that. I am so glad that I was able to have lunch with her and I hope I can read her a bit better next time :)

Bells and Whistles...Idioms

A few times in the past week, the subject of idioms has come up. One fellow blogger even asked for readers favorites. Immediately "Bells and Whistles" came to mind. LOL...it makes me smile just to think about...and the visual picture is delightful. When someone says "Bells and Whistled" I always see the same thing...a train steam whistle blowing and large, golden church bells ringing. And the feeling...it makes me feel good inside and always brings a smile to my face and a softness in my chest. It is purity, luxury, deserving, joy...Yeah, I really like Bells and Whistles :)