A Positive Aspie Day...this Is funny..Aspergers

A semi-typical Aspie day...
So,I went to the grocery store early this morning after dropping Younglink at school. Immediately, upon entering, I smelled intense cleaning fluid, like, Mr. Clean, is my guess. It was pretty darn strong but then, I noticed the floors. Wow, they were almost shiny and I had never seen them so clean before. So, this clean floor factor weighed heavily in my mind and thoughts.
I turn the corner at the bakery section and run into an acquaintance from Younglinks school..another parent who I do popcorn day with.
We exchanged the usual, mandatory pleasantries of "How are yous?"
And then I unceremoniously and with no censorship exclaimed, "Did you see how clean the floors are? OMG,they smell great, don't they?"
Okay, so she got just a mildly odd look on her face but didn't really skip a beat when she said, "Why, I hadn't noticed."
I am so glad I work with her at popcorn day, because she knows I am Aspie. She has never really seen me in my Rainman, blurt out whatever is on my mind mode. But she is a big girl and she dealt.
As I walked away I chuckled to myself. See, this is what happens when I agree to stop censoring myself. Whilst I become more comfortable with myself, my autism shows quite a bit more.
Its all pretty new for me..taking this risk of not being so self-restrained and dressing in muzzle and straitjacket every morning when my feet hit the floor.
I thought I would try this "freedom" thingy and be more comfortable with myself and my processes. I decided to step out more than I ever have. And, yes, I am taking it slowly, but it feels down right gratifying.

The other thing I did which was totally out-of-the-box and out of character...I went to a local public meeting, which was filmed and all. Before God, the camera and about 16 people, I stood up, heavily in the midst of a panic attack with my heart pounding out of my chest (you know, I have had them, panics, so very often, I should be quite used to them and the unsettling feeling, so I dealt) and stated my plea for "I voted" stickers. Because other districts hand them out, it promotes voting and dammit, give me my sticker!
I am not sure what exactly possessed me, but this seemed an inviting issue to tackle.
Did I mention I flew solo? That I went completely by myself and I was fine with that?
On the way to the meeting, I gave myself an out and said that I would simply attempt this and if I positively could not do it, than no harm done. But I Was going to attempt this!
And I gloriously and without a twitch, stood up, looked the board chairman in the eye and pleaded my case.
I guess I won't know till the next election if the stickers will start flowing or not..but I can sleep at night knowing I made my case known.
And yes, if stickers do start showing up on election day, well, I will get ALLLL the credit. I deserve it.
Yeah Baby!!!!

101 Reasons Not to Talk...Going Non-Verbal..Aspergers

Last week, as I was walking with a friend of mine, I very off-handedly and off-the-cuff stated half-jokingly, that there are 101 reasons Not to talk. Whilst it was an exaggeration, there really are a couple dozen valid Aspie-headed reasons not to say a word.
I realized that one of the main reasons that I do not, as a rule, ask personal, socially acceptable questions like,"How are you?", "What are you doing?", "what do you think?" is that if I ask a question, say, "What do you think?" then that ..opens me up to get that same question asked back at me. Its a socially acceptable custom I noticed years ago. And I avoid that at all costs.
Its like, I am very inquisitive and curious as to how those neuro-typicals operate and think, but in order to find that info out..I have to take a huge risk and I might very easily, be put on the spot and the question mimicked back. Don't really want to go there.
As an example...I don't recall ever asking someone, "What are you thinking?" other than my Partner of 17 years. Before I even asked, I had to seriously contemplate whether it was worth it to ask when it might rebound. I took that chance and thankfully, it did not bounce back. Whew.
"What are you doing?" is a big toughie as it feels like I am invading someones privacy, sanctity, space and private world...OH, that's right...nt's don't live in little secure, predictable fortresses like I do..Note-to-self :)
I am finding that the average NT frequently likes to share thoughts, inner musings and such with a much greater frequency than I ever imagined. Its like, with some people, the door is always open. Hmmm, as opposed to the Aspien way of the door is always shut and "Don't you dare Knock" attitude is often present:)

What I consider as serious, heavy-duty personal questions (How do you
feel about that? and "What do you think about that?) are nothing more than average NT social questions. So, you can see why this Aspie has been rather seriously hampered in the social graces and everyday inquiries and banter.
Plus, if I ask.."How are you?" , they might really, really tell me and it could be they think ill of me or there is a huge family drama going on or they might solicit my advice on their intimate personal problems or tell me something graphic or otherwise, upsetting. Too Much Info. Plus, factor in the, sometimes I really don't care and I am trying to be polite. Hurdles and Obstacles in the form of verbal banter.
Questions are huge challenges and full of potential problems. So, except for friends and the perfunctory "How are you?" I tend not to ask them too often.
And its none of my business. Ouch, where did that come from? I guess rejection and rudeness is also a potential that concerns me. I mean, how many times, in my sweet, family of birth, did I ask something and was told to "Shut Up" and that it was none of my business?....far too often.
So, thus is one of the Biggie reasons that I do very little inquiry and why I am quite careful in who I ask what to:) Just wanted to share....peace out

Oh, too funny, as I write this my radio is playing No Doubt and "Don't Speak". How appropriate :)

Social Gatherings, Memory and Aspergers

It goes without saying, that my memory is quite different from that of the average neuro-typical. I do not immediately pick out the important things that need to be remembered. Its challenging for me to distinguish between what is important to remember and what is flotsam and unnecessary.
I had occasion to be a guest at a large dinner party where I engaged in multiple conversations with different people.
A number of points here.
One, during the "gathering" I attempted to put name and occupation to faces. I found that that only worked for people that i actually engaged in conversation for more than two sentences. Plus, there were these two chickies that both had long, light brown hair, were those skinny types and had very non-descript faces. I couldn't even tell you who was who or even there names. They blended together and looked so similar, in my mind..they were and are nothing but a blur.
Two, in order to even have a chat with any one person, they had to be seated very near me. Anyone at the end of the table was completely lost in the lights and sound.
Three, after the event, I replayed various conversations in order to try and pick out what I needed to remember. I was working on compartmentalizing, putting names, to faces, to important talking points.
I would pick a person that I talked with, go over the entire conversation, as much as could be remembered and file away the important things for future use. I would create a mental "memory file" with a picture of the person, family and occupational info and anything else they may have said that I might need later, like where they were born, tattoos, favorite this or that, etc.
Its like that whole dinner and all the words and peoples were one huge, chaotic heap in the middle of the floor and I had to go through, piece by piece and separate, compartmentalize each person and their words.
I think NTs do this naturally. When talking with one of them, they probably automatically can pick out what is important and know where it is located and put it with the appropriate person who said it. I cannot. It takes a concerted amount of effort to go through this heap.
For example, I told K that I would send in my sons prosthetic for her to see once it was done being worked on. I needed to remember that. Another one, B said she would be sending me recipes in the email via a mutual friend. And B is the gluten free one who has two kids and will be working with the peer support new group. Big J was amused by my comment of "I hope no one will watch me eat" and proceeded to stare at me as a joke. This may come up in some future conversation. L is a special ed teacher who has a daughter Els age and I can't remember where I know her from so I should pursue that. This person and that person had two kids. That one was from Indianapolis and those three are homegrown spuds. This one has a relative born with one hand, like my youngest. That one works at the high school while the one over there is at the alternative school. That one is pregnant, the other is getting married for the third time.

Looking back, they seem like such little mundane things but what if I had forgotten I told K I would send it in? What if I thought that one was the one from out of town? Or that this one is the one who is single and not with the two kids? Overall, I didn't make many promises to keep, but I really didn't know that until I replayed the conversations a number of times.
I cannot tell you how many times I have forgotten, failed to pick out important points in a conversation and seriously regretted it or got reamed up and down for being so forgetful.
People like it when you remember that their favorite stone, ring is sapphire or that they have a cute lizard tattoo on their ankle or that they would love nothing more than a tattoo of Jesus on the side of their neck.
NT's like it when you remember birthdays and important dates, things you promised or said you would do. And memory, a cohesive one anyway, does not come naturally to me, but if I think about it, go over chats a few times, I usually can pick out the important points and put them in a place where I can locate them later.
My internal organization system, if you can call it that, has been self-developed. It works for me. :)

A Typical Conversation...Talking and Aspergers

I went to the grocery store, the other day, and ran into someone that I know pretty well. She is someone that I like and who would appear to be harmless and quite safe.
We greeted each other with a wonderful hug and then the problems began...we started talking.
Immediately, I notice that my whole body tenses up, especially my chest and my throat. I start my routine of trying to control any tics or erratic body movements.
I start going back, in my memory, to everything I know about her, when was the last time we had talked and what the subject matter was. Since she is a fb friend, I was scrolling through her statuses, what she has commented on, her interests, looking and searching for talking points...What do I say? What is she going to ask?
I guess widespread anxiety would be the most fitting term, or subtle,subdued and unseen panic would be the terms to describe how I was feeling.

So I started out by mentioning my week, and she filled in her current work status...and then she asked about my family, the little guy and partner...and I kindof thought that was it. (From the get-go, I tend to wonder how long any convo is going to be and hoping for a short one) Then, her face got kindof funny, hmmm, serious and inquisitive and she asked about Eldest, in a very polite and nonthreatening way.
Twice in the past week, people have inquired and the following reaction was par for the course: Immediately (the most obvious and noticeable symptom) my eyes get "wild" and they go above, beyond and all around..its like I am trying to escape and keep my emotions in check...yeah, I lose all eye contact for awhile. Then I find the words, the script that I have previously used, and I start reciting. Of course, I am struggling even more to control the body movements at this point and my eyes, are really the only thing that prove to be impossible to contain. She continues asking questions about this subject and the first thing that jumps in my head is the dream I had last night where a taxi brought Eldest home and he came upon the porch and whilst I was inside, he stood on the porch crying uncontrollable and then I realized this and went out and embraced him. Shit, I said that out loud, now to escape that one and move on quickly....There were a few questions about him, very appropriate questions from someone who genuinely is concerned but that did not help my anxiety.
Then the next few minutes were all about, how do I get out of this? How can I nicely end this conversation and get on with the task at hand?

There were more pleasantries and then I was free to leave.
Seriously, the majority of conversations are like this. I do have friends with whom I am more comfortable to varying degrees but from my 5 minute talk with Younglinks teacher in the morning, to the words I may exchange in the hall with this person or that, talking is very stressful. And after conversations, I am physically and emotionally tired.
I guess, I never really realized my physical symptoms of what made talking a rather unpleasant task,at times, until the past couple of days when I actually engaged in a long conversation in which it was not in the least uncomfortable. I experienced freedom and actual enjoyment in a very long conversation and it allowed me to see what was stressful in most talks, what is running through my head and what strategies I use to deal with this minor (to the NT) facet of everyday life.
So, this is my aspie life..

Conversation and this Aspie

Believe it or not, I very rarely have face-to-face conversations. For the most part I have brief discussions with people as we are walking, at the same table side-by-side or sitting in a car. So, today, I had a face-to-face convo with a good friend and I was kindof surprised with how my Aspie behavior went.
Okay, so it was a bit longer than most of my talks...over an hour. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, don't get me wrong...I just had a heckuva time maintaining eye contact for even short bursts of a minute or so. I didn't feel that I was being polite by continually glancing out the window or away so i tried the "fuzzy" thinking whereby I looked in her direction but took on a "not really looking" approach.
Eye Contact...hmmm..it just seems so intrusive. Not when they are looking at me but when I am looking at someone else. I just really wasn't able to do it well today. Yeah, I surprized myself there. And I do realize that some days that social function does work better than others and it depends on who I am with but, really, I thought it would have been easier...much easier.
My second dilemma....I couldn't figure out when she was done talking or finished her sentence or thought. I mean, I am really listening, but I couldn't find the appropriate pauses or indicators that said she was done.
After interrupting her repeatedly, I noticed an interesting thing...When she was talking, after a while she would look away and continue her story. It was as if by looking away she was telling me that she was still on the same subject. Then when she did look at me, I understood that she had finished. Its almost like she, both very patient and probably tired of the incessant interrupting, was giving Me a clue.
I tell ya, I really fully watched and listened and I had no clue as to when her story was done. I watched her face very, very closely...and i looked for those pauses that were my cue.
And maybe it is partially simply her manner of speaking in such a calm, easy, not up and down tone that gave me more difficulty. Some people have lots of up and down and when the tone goes way down, its my turn.
Hmmm...I do apologize for my interrupting. I tried my best but this Aspie ain't perfect, darling. Yeah, I'm okay with that. I am so glad that I was able to have lunch with her and I hope I can read her a bit better next time :)