Social Gatherings, Memory and Aspergers

It goes without saying, that my memory is quite different from that of the average neuro-typical. I do not immediately pick out the important things that need to be remembered. Its challenging for me to distinguish between what is important to remember and what is flotsam and unnecessary.
I had occasion to be a guest at a large dinner party where I engaged in multiple conversations with different people.
A number of points here.
One, during the "gathering" I attempted to put name and occupation to faces. I found that that only worked for people that i actually engaged in conversation for more than two sentences. Plus, there were these two chickies that both had long, light brown hair, were those skinny types and had very non-descript faces. I couldn't even tell you who was who or even there names. They blended together and looked so similar, in my mind..they were and are nothing but a blur.
Two, in order to even have a chat with any one person, they had to be seated very near me. Anyone at the end of the table was completely lost in the lights and sound.
Three, after the event, I replayed various conversations in order to try and pick out what I needed to remember. I was working on compartmentalizing, putting names, to faces, to important talking points.
I would pick a person that I talked with, go over the entire conversation, as much as could be remembered and file away the important things for future use. I would create a mental "memory file" with a picture of the person, family and occupational info and anything else they may have said that I might need later, like where they were born, tattoos, favorite this or that, etc.
Its like that whole dinner and all the words and peoples were one huge, chaotic heap in the middle of the floor and I had to go through, piece by piece and separate, compartmentalize each person and their words.
I think NTs do this naturally. When talking with one of them, they probably automatically can pick out what is important and know where it is located and put it with the appropriate person who said it. I cannot. It takes a concerted amount of effort to go through this heap.
For example, I told K that I would send in my sons prosthetic for her to see once it was done being worked on. I needed to remember that. Another one, B said she would be sending me recipes in the email via a mutual friend. And B is the gluten free one who has two kids and will be working with the peer support new group. Big J was amused by my comment of "I hope no one will watch me eat" and proceeded to stare at me as a joke. This may come up in some future conversation. L is a special ed teacher who has a daughter Els age and I can't remember where I know her from so I should pursue that. This person and that person had two kids. That one was from Indianapolis and those three are homegrown spuds. This one has a relative born with one hand, like my youngest. That one works at the high school while the one over there is at the alternative school. That one is pregnant, the other is getting married for the third time.

Looking back, they seem like such little mundane things but what if I had forgotten I told K I would send it in? What if I thought that one was the one from out of town? Or that this one is the one who is single and not with the two kids? Overall, I didn't make many promises to keep, but I really didn't know that until I replayed the conversations a number of times.
I cannot tell you how many times I have forgotten, failed to pick out important points in a conversation and seriously regretted it or got reamed up and down for being so forgetful.
People like it when you remember that their favorite stone, ring is sapphire or that they have a cute lizard tattoo on their ankle or that they would love nothing more than a tattoo of Jesus on the side of their neck.
NT's like it when you remember birthdays and important dates, things you promised or said you would do. And memory, a cohesive one anyway, does not come naturally to me, but if I think about it, go over chats a few times, I usually can pick out the important points and put them in a place where I can locate them later.
My internal organization system, if you can call it that, has been self-developed. It works for me. :)

Vacation, Clothing, Packing & Getting ready

When going on vacation, away from home, it takes me quite awhile to get ready. I start at least a week before with internet surfing to try and find photos of the locations that I will be staying, the hotels, the surroundings, area sights and attractions and restaurants, most notably, if they have Wendys and Burger King nearby. I also tend to print out various maps so i can find my way around.

Then I start making list, upon list of what I need to bring from the everyday things like toothbrush, toothpaste, deodorant, all my daily needs. The next list is composed of those extra things that I take or use everyday or almost everyday, nail clippers, tissue, hand sanitizer,vitamins, various medications, motrin, benadryl, allergy meds and the like. Another list, I use to keep track of all the munchies and food items I need to bring with the homemade stuff needing to be made only a day or two before. Some I have to purchase at the store and others I take off the pantry shelf and put in one place so I can visually see what I already have. I always bring my own water for drinking and teeth brushing, so I have to figure out how much will be enough without having too much to carry. My pillow and blanket are another automatic "must bring".
I rely on previous trips and experiences to provide me with a good idea of what I really do need and what is simply unnecessary, so I continually go over those experiences in my head to help me decide what to bring.
The day before I leave, I can safely pack some clothing: two different pairs of jammies, one for if its cold and the other in case it is too warm, basically a short sleeve shirt and a long, one pair for each night. Socks and pants can also be packed.

Then...then we get to the challenging part....what to wear during the day. On this occasion, I am going to a conference and told it is "casual"..yeah, like I have any clue as what an NT means by "casual". Casual, at home and around town is sweatshirt and jeans..but what is "casual" at a conference? And spoken by an NT? Hmmm, that was a tough one.
Well, I had to figure what kind of mood I would be in. I didn't want to go with the flashy "notice me" bright and obnoxious shirts that I own, nor did I want to go with the humorous, teen-age, amusements that I wear to my sons school for popcorn day. You know, the Elmo shirt, SpongeBob and the Looney Tune ties and shirts would have to stay in the closet.
I really, really wanted my superhero tees because they simply make me feel better and a wee bit invincible and more self-confident, and those could be worn under my shirts. So I figured both Superman and the Clan of Supers could come along. And they did.

Next, the actual shirts...tough call there...I settled with one solid color that I knew would be acceptable in any situation and then two stripes, one pretty wild and one tame. (Geez, does it seem like I personify my clothes? More on that later)
But what if it was chilly in the banquet/ meeting rooms? Then what? So, it was time to pick and choose sweatshirts to go along. I didn't realize that I had gotten rid of a lot to the second-hand store lately and my supply is actually quite low. I figured the hoodie was out, too casual and it can get really warm if the room is high temp. That left a couple of solid colors and the rest had various slogans and sayings. Tough call. The solids were too plain and I had to find ones with slogans, locations that I was comfortable with. If it was a popular vacation spot, say, one of my "Niagara Falls" sweat shirts, that had the potential to attract people and they sometimes inquire and complete strangers will start talking to me about how they went there on vacation too. So I settled on a couple of ones that I was comfortable with...a red Canada and a dark blue Hard Rock Cafe.
Did I mention that it took me all morning to do this? Simply pick, choose and pack my clothing? And some things did need washing and drying and "ironing" which means throw it in the dryer with a wet washcloth.

Then shoes and coats were last on the list. I was all set to wear my leather boots up until the last minute when I figured they, also, would call too much attention to myself and may be inappropriate. So I decided to wear the merrells and bring my glow-in-the-dark vivid green brooks tennis shoes if I became comfortable enough, plus they really dd feel the bestest.
Anyway, so, finally an hour or two before departure time, I had my ensemble, second-guessing myself most the day and going back and recheck the closet for possible substitutions.
I ended up with one med-large suitcase, 3 shirts and a sport coat on hangers, one large garbage bag for blankie, pillow and shoes, a small case for all my toiletries (damn, I hate that word but can find no other) and my backpack, chock full of things I may need at a moments notice, pen, paper, snacks, water, MP3 and such. I was good to go.

So, we arrive at our destination and all 12-14 peoples in my group went out to dinner. During dinner time conversation, the subject of how long it took me to pack came up and I said how it had taken me the entire day to pack my clothes. (I was with a group of Special ed/ Autism Professionals and that was very clear...wait for it). And someone asked me how many changes of clothes I had brought (for a two-day event) and I said...Well, 5...maybe 8? And the looks on the faces of the peoples...priceless. They all maintained composure, no one rip-roared laughed but I could tell by the wide eyes and the sudden Stop, that what i had just said was highly unusual. I give my companions sooo much credit for not exhibiting facial expressions of aghast or "OMG, you have got to be kidding me" or outright laughter. Me, I honestly, did not know that what I had said was unusual in any way, shape or form.
It must have been the caliber of my companions...I was very impressed with their composure and how they handled the situation...seriously.
So, quite suddenly, I was aware that I was different than these NT's, but it was okay. I was not embarrassed in the least. So, I want to figure this out, so I ask my friend, to my right, "Well, how long did it take you to pack?" And she replies, "thirty minutes."
Now, it was my turn to be aghast. I think my jaw probably dropped because I had a hard time believing this.
I questioned further with.."So, you just pick clothes out of the closet and throw them in?"
"Yup"
I went on to explain how, previously, I had packed one set of clothes for each day I was to be gone and on the last couple of days I was left with two choices, neither of which felt right or that I was comfortable with. And I was soooo uncomfortable that I learned to pack extra.

Obviously, NT's do not have the same relationship with their clothing as this aspie does.
Later on, I remarked how NT's are born with enough skin and that I was not and my clothing was like my protect layer, my outer skin. I express myself and protect myself by my clothing and each piece has some meaning or "feel" to it.
Funny, I relayed this story to my Aspie son and he chuckled in agreement. "Yeah, they just don't get it."
It is odd, how NT's put most of their energy into relationships and socialization with other peoples but this Aspie, anyway, puts an equal amount of energy into inanimate objects, such as clothing, music, knowledge in order to try and feel some degree of comfort, safety and protection.
You have to wonder....

A Typical Conversation...Talking and Aspergers

I went to the grocery store, the other day, and ran into someone that I know pretty well. She is someone that I like and who would appear to be harmless and quite safe.
We greeted each other with a wonderful hug and then the problems began...we started talking.
Immediately, I notice that my whole body tenses up, especially my chest and my throat. I start my routine of trying to control any tics or erratic body movements.
I start going back, in my memory, to everything I know about her, when was the last time we had talked and what the subject matter was. Since she is a fb friend, I was scrolling through her statuses, what she has commented on, her interests, looking and searching for talking points...What do I say? What is she going to ask?
I guess widespread anxiety would be the most fitting term, or subtle,subdued and unseen panic would be the terms to describe how I was feeling.

So I started out by mentioning my week, and she filled in her current work status...and then she asked about my family, the little guy and partner...and I kindof thought that was it. (From the get-go, I tend to wonder how long any convo is going to be and hoping for a short one) Then, her face got kindof funny, hmmm, serious and inquisitive and she asked about Eldest, in a very polite and nonthreatening way.
Twice in the past week, people have inquired and the following reaction was par for the course: Immediately (the most obvious and noticeable symptom) my eyes get "wild" and they go above, beyond and all around..its like I am trying to escape and keep my emotions in check...yeah, I lose all eye contact for awhile. Then I find the words, the script that I have previously used, and I start reciting. Of course, I am struggling even more to control the body movements at this point and my eyes, are really the only thing that prove to be impossible to contain. She continues asking questions about this subject and the first thing that jumps in my head is the dream I had last night where a taxi brought Eldest home and he came upon the porch and whilst I was inside, he stood on the porch crying uncontrollable and then I realized this and went out and embraced him. Shit, I said that out loud, now to escape that one and move on quickly....There were a few questions about him, very appropriate questions from someone who genuinely is concerned but that did not help my anxiety.
Then the next few minutes were all about, how do I get out of this? How can I nicely end this conversation and get on with the task at hand?

There were more pleasantries and then I was free to leave.
Seriously, the majority of conversations are like this. I do have friends with whom I am more comfortable to varying degrees but from my 5 minute talk with Younglinks teacher in the morning, to the words I may exchange in the hall with this person or that, talking is very stressful. And after conversations, I am physically and emotionally tired.
I guess, I never really realized my physical symptoms of what made talking a rather unpleasant task,at times, until the past couple of days when I actually engaged in a long conversation in which it was not in the least uncomfortable. I experienced freedom and actual enjoyment in a very long conversation and it allowed me to see what was stressful in most talks, what is running through my head and what strategies I use to deal with this minor (to the NT) facet of everyday life.
So, this is my aspie life..

The Conference..Part 1...traveling, social gatherings

Heres the setting: I attended my very first "conference", 2 1/2 day event, away from home with a friend of mine. It was a START, autism conference. I had never left home without my family before.
So my friend works for the School District and she and about 12 other people from her department, went down to Lansing for this conference and somehow, I was invited and decided to attend. I really had not a clue in the world as to what I was getting into, but I trusted my friend.
It was a three hour drive down and there were four of us in the car. Yup,I was surrounded by neuro-typicals and it was an interesting ride.
First observation...they (NTS) talk a whole lot almost non-stop with the heaviest conversing going on the first half of the trip and it seemed to diminish the closer we got to our destination. The vast majority of chatter is spent talking about either themselves or someone that they mutually know. Oh, they call this social interaction and such. So I knew one person well, another well enough and the third, the wild card, not at all. As a result, I really wasn't comfortable joining in so I played the absent observer, tuned out and plugged in to my music.
Second observation...they talk a whole lot about fluff, nothing, things of minimal to no importance, in this aspie head of mine, which is just fine, just not my cup of tea. Go figure.
Riding down and in the recesses of my own mind, my thoughts were as follows: "OH MY GOD, what the hell have I gotten myself into? Am I going to really, really regret this? WTF was I thinking that I had the capabilities to do this? What possible good could come of this?" and things along those lines :) I was pretty sure that I had made a most stupid and devestating decision and that there was no way out. Seriously, it was a lot of dread, subdued panic.
We arrive at our destination and it looked exactly like the photos I had checked out on the internet..except for two things. One, a revolving glass door which caused a momentary...okay, many moments of distress as it was unexpected, new, unusual and I wasn't sure there was another entrance except through it. It stopped me dead in my tracks. Had I not been amongst others, I surely would have stood there quite awhile. Okay, there were a couple of other doors so I was good.
Then it was registration at the big desk which gave me opportunity to check out the lobby to some extent..taking it all in.
Room time and we walked toward the elevator. OMG, it was a glass elevator. I looked around and even asked if there was another way up..nope. Ok, so I gingerly step in, face the door and proceed to curse and mutter uncontrollably until we get allll the way to the...wait for it...second floor. Dang, that was one long ride. i wasn't sure how I was going to manage that dang elevator for the next few days.
Stepping off the elevator and Yikes, an open air hallway where by there was a wall a few feet tall on each side and that was it, a clear view to the lobby...no safety here. I made sure to walk directly in the middle lest I fall off.
The room, the other huge unpredictable factor..was the room going to be safe, secure and without dangerous flaws or major discomforts. The first trial, walking in..it smelled okay, nothing nefarious in the air. Okay, the second test, can I sit on the bed or is it smelly, uncomfortable and filled with bad memories and energies? Yup, its good. Okay, how is the bleach factor? Most hotels wash their bedding with bleach and oft times they overdue it to the point where it is nothing but a thick, sickly stench. Okay, it doesn't reek....I'm good.
Then my roommates, two of those, start putting their clothes in those dresser drawers which I always find very odd. My clothes stay in my suitcase. The dressers don't belong to me, are used by many different people and somehow, other than one vacation where we stayed at one place for a solid week, I don't do that. It doesn't seem right. In a sense, it would be like giving my clothes away, they wouldn't be fully mine anymore and possession is 9/10ths of the law and i don't give away my clothing or share it in a communal area. I kept my clothes to myself. I have no problem using the closet to hang things, which may or may not make sense. Maybe its the amount of touching that my clothes do..a surface area thing...like, in a dresser, my clothes would be touching the drawer material whilst hanging something up, my clothes touch nothing because they are on the hanger. Not sure.

Conversation and this Aspie

Believe it or not, I very rarely have face-to-face conversations. For the most part I have brief discussions with people as we are walking, at the same table side-by-side or sitting in a car. So, today, I had a face-to-face convo with a good friend and I was kindof surprised with how my Aspie behavior went.
Okay, so it was a bit longer than most of my talks...over an hour. I thoroughly enjoyed myself, don't get me wrong...I just had a heckuva time maintaining eye contact for even short bursts of a minute or so. I didn't feel that I was being polite by continually glancing out the window or away so i tried the "fuzzy" thinking whereby I looked in her direction but took on a "not really looking" approach.
Eye Contact...hmmm..it just seems so intrusive. Not when they are looking at me but when I am looking at someone else. I just really wasn't able to do it well today. Yeah, I surprized myself there. And I do realize that some days that social function does work better than others and it depends on who I am with but, really, I thought it would have been easier...much easier.
My second dilemma....I couldn't figure out when she was done talking or finished her sentence or thought. I mean, I am really listening, but I couldn't find the appropriate pauses or indicators that said she was done.
After interrupting her repeatedly, I noticed an interesting thing...When she was talking, after a while she would look away and continue her story. It was as if by looking away she was telling me that she was still on the same subject. Then when she did look at me, I understood that she had finished. Its almost like she, both very patient and probably tired of the incessant interrupting, was giving Me a clue.
I tell ya, I really fully watched and listened and I had no clue as to when her story was done. I watched her face very, very closely...and i looked for those pauses that were my cue.
And maybe it is partially simply her manner of speaking in such a calm, easy, not up and down tone that gave me more difficulty. Some people have lots of up and down and when the tone goes way down, its my turn.
Hmmm...I do apologize for my interrupting. I tried my best but this Aspie ain't perfect, darling. Yeah, I'm okay with that. I am so glad that I was able to have lunch with her and I hope I can read her a bit better next time :)