Good as Gold ...almost

Living under a rock

I never thought much about myself

I feel like an Alien, Living Autstic, Aspergers Syndrome & Me

 Aspergers & the Alien is the perfect name for my blog because having Aspergers, I feel like an alien, like I don't belong and that I'm a perennial outsider never able to get inside. I'm odd and I know it, but can't accurately describe it.

  I feel as if I'm stranded on a strange planet whereby everyone is speaking a foreign language and my universal translator is broke. There are a plethora of social norms that I fail to comprehend. Words are highly confusing and subjective. Each being is like trying to decipher a code. Simple words and phrases, subtle and overt glances each mean something different to each and every individual. I feel perpetual confusion.

 I'm afraid to ask for clarity on questions, paperwork and in verbal interactions because I fear looking stupid, subpar and moronic. If I open my mouth, I risk ridicule. So I keep myself in silent consternation.

I'm not anti-social, per se, I just avoid drama, stress and sensory overload. I prefer to be alone because it is the least painful option. If I'm in the same room with anyone, my stress and discomfort level rises, multiplying with each additional person in the room. Living alone is my best option.

  I feel like a weirdo. I need to eat the same, exact foods everyday and my wardrobe is quite specific with button collared shirts and jeans. I pick my clothes for the day based on mood, weather and environment, if I have any plans or appointments for the day. I try never to schedule more than one appointment on any given day. Leaving the house, any social interaction wears me out and makes my head hurt.

 I am acutely aware that I am different. Sometimes I love it, other times I hate it. I am brutally honest in a world where half truths and bold face lying is rather normal. I have no interest in gossip, talking about or judging others. It isn't my business. I have zero thoughts on a persons appearance, what they are wearing, or how they choose to live their lives.

 I don't understand relationships. I'm not sure if I've ever genuinely felt love but my understanding of hate and anger increases everyday. Feelings, emotions are these dense foggy clouds that are difficult to grasp and name. I feel a multitude of sensations yet have no words to express them. Eternal frustration would be an accurate catchphrase for me. Lost within myself and my own abstract thoughts and waves.

   Social obligations are terrifying and highly unpredictable, to be avoided like the plague. The amount of distress, panic and confusion is immense. I feel misunderstood, as if the only people that can truly understand are other autistics around the same degree on the spectrum a I. 

 Each day is a challenge to navigate. Figuring out what needs to be done and how. Time management is not my strong suit. In a way, I have no grasp of time and how long it takes to do this thing or that. I set alarms throughout the house to remind me of scheduled events and must do's. I have two choices, stay silent and confused or speak up, ask questions, seek clarity and risk looking like a fool. It's painful to yearn vehemently for independence whilst understanding that the simplest things can stymie me. 

 I'm trapped in a bell jar observing a world that I will never fit into or understand. Everyone is kept safely at arms length. Being a reticent recluse is natural for me. Speaking is unnatural, a forced effort that produces distress, exhaustion and produces mixed results. I'd prefer a quiet, silent world where people moved slowly, wore name tags and job descriptions and minded their own business.

 Friendships, like relationships are...funny, challenging, near impossible to succeed or sustain. I've grown to accept the comfort of aloneness. Ships are too risky, too much work, always end up sinking sooner or later.

 I am highly sensitive. I can walk in a room and feel tension, others pain or happiness. I avoid eye contact as I feel I'm intruding on the persons personal space. I see too much private info written on their face, in their eyes, standing beside them. Things I have no business knowing.

 I don't have any interest in television, celebrities, movies or whatever the latest fad is. I have no interest following the crowd, being politically correct or repeating the same mottos day after day. To me, the world is a trivial, superficial place whereby most adults are shallow and emotionally stunted.

 I am extremely polite and can rarely say a persons name without a prefix of Miss, Mister or Sir. I prefer to dress in gender neutral clothing and carry an overall ambiguous style. 

  I don't feel like I fit in anywhere. I've grown accustom to the inherent lostness, confusion, frustration and aloneness...it's all part of this game.

Shhh, secret fears that I feel silly about

You will rarely find me talking about the half dozen or so, secret fears that keep me awake at night. Saying them out loud...well, they sound far-fetched and ridiculous, even though they are quite real to me. Maybe I'm a little worried of my image, being laughed at or the look of "are you crazy?", that I've seen on people's face at times.
  I worry that I will do something stupid, something wrong that will get me thrown in jail, locked up or embarrassed for life. It's like...I'm not aware of unspoken rules and boundaries that NT's instinctively know. As an example, I thought it was okay to surprise a friend by looking up her family tree. Turns out that this was invasive and I was completely clueless. One friendship down. Or what if I'm driving 55mph but I'm not aware that I'm in a 35 mph residential zone? I'm overly cautious because I have this constant fear of accidentally committing a crime or egregious error.
  Those few who know me are well aware I don't have a mean, criminal, evil bone in my body...but being autistic, I make hellatious mistakes that haunt me for years. Yet another reason I tend to be hesitant to speak or act.
I think I've only spoken of this to one close friend. I treasure those friends who understand my autism and inherent harmless nature.
Just wanted to share. I don't know if anyone else shares this secret fear.

Food tastes different is its cut, chopped, finger food or forked

Long have I noticed that, say, a slice of pizza tastes different if eaten by the entire slice, cut into small pieces or very small pieces and whether I use a fork or spoon.
Granted, the palatable differences are subtle but most definitely noticeable.
It's a point I never bring up at the dinner table because I understand it's rather queer.
I'd launch into an analysis of the subtle nuances but I'm not in the mood for ridicule tonight.
This is a statement, a fact I believe. It's true for me.

Asperger's and Odd Eating Habits

I have highly unusual eating habits. I have  consumed the exact same  breakfast, peanut butter toast, every morning for five years. I love the absence of stress or thought involved in figuring out what to eat in the morning.
  Lunch and dinner are a different, more sordid story. Finding words to accurately state my mealtime dilemma doesn't come easily....but I'll try.
I cannot just eat anything. I have to ingest what...the inner chef wants and desires. If I have something that is not what "the inner chef" wants, I feel hungry even after eating a plateful of food. As an example, for the past three months I ate bologna/ pickle spread, once or twice a day. I'm a small serving, frequent meal kinda girl. If I ran out of bpickle spread and substituted last night's leftover chicken that I cooked for my son, even if it was a large portion, I would continue to be hungry until I went to the grocery store and made more spread.
For those three months, I made bp spread and pasta with sauce every few days. Combined with my habitual breakfast that was 90% of what I consumed, every day for three months.
It's a good news, bad news habit to have. The good, nay, the great news is the only thought given to mealtime was, do I have all my items? Do I need to go to the store or just cook up some pasta or grind up bologna? Mealtime was predictable, simple, easy and relatively stress free.
The bad news? Argh, the deeply unpleasant feeling where the "inner chef" wants to change the menu...and nothing works...I cannot find the correct food for the chef. I try this or that but nothing sounds or tastes good. The chronic, gnawing hunger refuses to abate. I feel empty, unfulfilled...nothing is right. I'm continually starving until I find the "correct" food for inner chef. I try eating this, that, the other thing but I'm still starving, no matter what or how much I eat.
My steady diet was at least three months. I think that was a record and I could see it coming down the pike, rolling down the hill, like an avalanche that I knew would bury me alive.
I wish I were joking, or at least capable of exaggeration but, honestly, it sincerely is a miserable experience between appropriate meals. Think constant hunger for a solid week. Seriously, it's non-stop. I am quite grouchy, off balance, insatiable and starving. My only hope is that my belly, brain and inner chef find a menu item that will work, and soon. I grow fat, despondent and more miserable with each passing day.
  I doubt few can comprehend my dilemma. I wish it were a joke or that I knew of one other person that experiences this.
This is not a favored event for me...this starving in-between time. I have no idea when it will end. What is it my body requires to feel full? The formula changes every few weeks or months.....
  Enormously unhappy