Seasonal Affective Disorder

I'm already starting to feel concerned about the upcoming, months away Autumn and Winter. I've consistently disliked winter but in the past few years it's gotten quite serious. When the leaves start falling, so does my mood. By the time winter rolls in and turns everything blank, stark and white, I'm in full blown depression.
The lack of sunlight isn't the problem. I've experimented with seasonal lighting devices but they do nothing. I'm a visual person, and the lack of any color in my external environment coupled with the cold, snow and inability to find a place which delights my visual senses, drags me into very dark...mighty darkdark places.
Last year it was a day-to-day struggle until I scheduled my Oregon trip. Then I had something to look forward to and focus on. The trip made getting through the season...almost tolerable. I shudder at the thought of yet another 6 months of severe depression. We have two seasons where I live, six months of springsummer and six months of winter, I kid you not.
The kicker is that I am already on anti-depressants. Last year, I even went to my doctor and tried an additional med with wretched side effects. I've tried melatonin which caused incredible head pain and suicidal ideation, so that's a no-no.
I can't seem to find a solution within reach. I need to be somewhere green year round or discover new tools to deal.

I'm a good person

I've figured out that I am a very good person, honest, full of integrity, kindness, introspection and empathy. I deserve so much more than what I've been settling for. And I'm going to get it.

Making Progress

As an autistic planning requires about triple the amount of time versus the neuro-typical. My executive functioning skills...well, they suck, so I have to look info up, replay previous experiences and scan for previous information that I've heard or read about. I work on recalling previous pitfalls and how I dealt with them.
Luckily or unluckily, I remember events quite easily. So, I'm going through everything that I experienced over 25 years ago when I procured my first solo apartment. Lol, and the information is still there. Lots of thinking going on.
I've been going for more walks, either with puppy or alone. Being outside feels really calm not stuffy and stagnant like the inside of this house.
My ADHD is a pain in the ass. I have to continually consciously tell myself to slow down. Inside I'm speeding whilst outside just drags. Quite uncomfortable.
So, I'm working on two different avenues, places to live. It's going to boil down to which city comes through with the section 8 housing voucher first. I made a step in the right direction in one city. And I'll leave it at that.
My spirits are higher than yesterday due to this forward progress. I'm more at peace with myself and accepting of my circumstances. Writing last night really helped me get a clearer picture on what direction I want to go with my life. Writing is often insightful and therefore, healing.
I like the direction I'm going.

Dignity

Looking forward to moving

I'm enjoying sorting and packing. It's a relief to get rid of old, unused things that have been accumulating dust and taking up space. I'm figuring out what things I need and what isn't necessary.
In moving, I'm looking forward to gaining. Dignity, independence and self-accountability are just a few things to look forward to. I'm actually kind of excited about budgeting and being responsible for my purchases. No more buying things for the sake of buying. No more thoughtless spending. I plan on relearning all those independent skills that I have lost the past two decades.
On my budget, I'll probably ending up without a cellphone, oh darn. I'll be able to have more time for real life instead of screen time. I'll probably downsize my car to something older and with better mpg's. Previously, when I lived "Section 8" on disability alone, I always managed to have an inexpensive vehicle.
I've experienced wealth and various stages of poverty allowing me to figure out what I really want....a low-key, simple life in a small place of my own. That's it really. Keeping stress as low as possible means less things and living alone with my son and puppy. I'm searching for happiness and I know it's not to be found here, where I currently am.
Growing up, I thought money would solve all my problems and bring me contentment. I'm grateful for the experiences that have shown me that statement is completely untrue. It's more important to be emotionally and physically healthy in an environment that promotes and supports my wellbeing, I have learned. Much more important than money.
I'm finally learning about love via my son and my puppy. Seems odd to say but it's true. Animals and children are more honest than some people I know. And they give.
I'm not looking for anyone to take care of me as I don't need that. Being disable I'll always rely on some forms of government assistance and I'm okay with that. It's simply my reality. I'm more than good with accepting myself as is. I know I'm a good person. I know I'm loving, caring, honest and very kind. I know I'm doing the best I can with what I've been given. It's all good.

Relationships

All relationships, associations, friendships, partnerships have a beginning and an end. The important thing is to know when to leave.

Laying Low

I seem to have hit a rough patch. Avoidance and agoraphobia seem to be my top two states of mind these days. I'm fine, it's just that I've added up all the days I've been feeling subpar and they easily outweigh the days I'm feeling okay. I think it's the storm before the calm. Everything, everyone seems to be stirred up and somewhat ill-tempered.
I feel like I'm walking through a constant dust storm confused and slightly disorientated. I am moving forward. That I know for sure. I'm digging through the deepest of the crazy, very old, painful, stubborn memories that seem to be at the core of my being. I'm healing but feeling worse before it gets better. Reminds me of the disorientation, frustration and chaos of when I First started therapy.
Seems like everything is a specific cycle that goes around and comes around. The end always looks like the beginning, like running one ginormous lap where I'm nearing the finish line which was also the start line.
I am doing okay. Understanding the process makes the pain tolerable. I'm aware of which way this is going and what I'm accomplishing even though it feels a little like hell, again.
My move preparations are moving forward in fits and starts. I can see progress, some days big progress. The goal hasn't changed and my inner wisdom keeps me moving as fast and efficient as possible.
Overall, I can feel positive about my goal and direction. I'm able to pause or walk through the briars along the way. There's somewhat of a hurry, a time frame but the goal feels real and attainable. I'm going to be so happy when I move. Just the thought of it is a ray of sunshine on a gloomy day. I'm respecting the needed down time, so much taking place inside. I work whenever able. I'm going to be okay. It just feels pretty crappy these days.