I seem to have hit a rough patch. Avoidance and agoraphobia seem to be my top two states of mind these days. I'm fine, it's just that I've added up all the days I've been feeling subpar and they easily outweigh the days I'm feeling okay. I think it's the storm before the calm. Everything, everyone seems to be stirred up and somewhat ill-tempered.
I feel like I'm walking through a constant dust storm confused and slightly disorientated. I am moving forward. That I know for sure. I'm digging through the deepest of the crazy, very old, painful, stubborn memories that seem to be at the core of my being. I'm healing but feeling worse before it gets better. Reminds me of the disorientation, frustration and chaos of when I First started therapy.
Seems like everything is a specific cycle that goes around and comes around. The end always looks like the beginning, like running one ginormous lap where I'm nearing the finish line which was also the start line.
I am doing okay. Understanding the process makes the pain tolerable. I'm aware of which way this is going and what I'm accomplishing even though it feels a little like hell, again.
My move preparations are moving forward in fits and starts. I can see progress, some days big progress. The goal hasn't changed and my inner wisdom keeps me moving as fast and efficient as possible.
Overall, I can feel positive about my goal and direction. I'm able to pause or walk through the briars along the way. There's somewhat of a hurry, a time frame but the goal feels real and attainable. I'm going to be so happy when I move. Just the thought of it is a ray of sunshine on a gloomy day. I'm respecting the needed down time, so much taking place inside. I work whenever able. I'm going to be okay. It just feels pretty crappy these days.
No comments:
Post a Comment