Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Sunday, September 14, 2014

Pleasure

I mangle the apple at hand
Bitter fruit down to seedy core
Juices mingle & alight the senses
As I stiltedly fondle the apple tree trunk

Simply to steal, to embrace, to taste
That which is forbidden, too tall
out a reach
But no
Nothing stops me
As I rip off branches vehemently,
Violently
And affix them to legs
Straps at ankles
Straps at knees
Nothing is beyond my grasp,
My handle, my grip
Apple leaves rattle and woo
Jump at my face
Claw at my eyes
Not wanting to share

The spoiled fruits of labors lost

Emeshed

Not sure how I'm supposed to cover all the vital information that needs to be conveyed tomorrow, in one hour long therapy session. I know it's been 10 days instead of the usual 7, but really. I'm believing that I may have to move it to an hour and a half because I just feel like I'm cramming and every issue gets half-ass done and left dangling. It's really too much to try and contain.
 Been sick the past few days. Must be some minor flu bug as it hit so suddenly nod without warning. One minute I'm running around doing errands, and the next thing I know I'm deeply asleep, too exhausted to move for 4-5 hours. Hunger seems to entice me to use and muster all my energy to get up. Hunger has become more noticeable, vocal, if you will and when I get hungry there is nothing to calm it back down. I can't wish it away or dent it exists...anymore. I get famished.
  I don't even want to think about the heavy-duty parental challenges right now. Both boys in crisis. My Partner seems to think it's so exhausting because they are both special needs. I rather think it's because they both wear my genes. Some people shouldn't spawn.
 Sitting in the dark. I love sitting in the dark. I can think better without all the extraneous distracts my Aspie brain picks up in the light. Easier to focus, ruminate and chill.
  Feeling philosophical, again. Like every waking moment should be filled with purpose and I should constantly find and walk my spiritual path. Almost everything seems trivial and a waste of time.
 OMG, been having such clear, symbolic dreams. They seem to epitomize, visually, the state of my chaotic and frustrated thinking. Picture sinking ships, deceptive people, trying to safely get two baby squirrels to cross the road on their own, remembering the excitement and fear of holding a newborn baby...enough. You get the picture.
  Maybe tomorrow will be a better day...and maybe it will not

Saturday, September 13, 2014

What is the Color of Sarsaparilla?




- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Friday, September 12, 2014

Who Am I?

Ah, the perennial query that we all ponder, either for a few seconds, or off and on for decades. What's beneath the cover, the facade, the mask that we paint on our face, and wear day after day? Many may ask....few seek, fewer yet plunder & dive.
First and foremost, I am the genetically encoded blob of cellular goo that has been handed and thrust upon me by every individual ancestor that has left a footprint upon this waterlogged ground. I am related to farmers, immigrants, wanderers, thieves, criminals, the immoral...the sane and the insane.
In a way, I feel born into the sins of my fathers and forefathers, my mothers and foremothers. Their genetic fingerprints mar, embedded without conscious permission.
Secondly, I am comprised of my biological family's values, or lack thereof. The words they used; their likes and dislikes; the way to express and repress emotion; familiar right and wrong; the way I walk and the vernacular I use; my thinking patterns; my sense of self and esteem; largely compose the unintrospected, the naive and drone-like walking corpse that is me. It is only when I take these "family patterns" out of the subconscious closet, expose them to the light and examine them with an inquisitive, open mind under a microscopic glare, can I disseminate and distinguish what is worthy of repeating and what needs to be balled up and discarded.
I would have been thoroughly doomed, as would any of my spawn, had I not had the foresight to realize I required scrupulous examination of what lie beneath the choppy waves.
Thirdly, I am a combination of my genetics, my upbringing, and all the stories, truths, lies, misnomers, that I have been telling myself. Thus, I have old mindsets of being poor, needy, beaten, ridiculed, a compassionate caregiver, a beloved granddaughter, a mediocre softball player, a playful artist, a leader of mice, men and women, a person children run up to for hugs, sickly and bedridden, unlovable, petty thief, poetic philosopher, home wrecker, family betrayer, insolent daughter, victim and survivor.
What story, belief should I listen to today? What tale rings most true? Which mindset still lingers, haunts and brings me to my knees, refusing to leave and reflecting, showing itself in my waking day?
I choose to define myself upon introspection. I decide what characteristics to adopt, nurture, believe and present. Thus I will tell you who I am:
I am an Intelligent, Creative, Artistic, Philosophical Survivor. I am a Loving, Caring, Passionate woman and mother. I am a Writer, a Visionary, a Poet, and Grateful Lover of Life. I am Sensitive, Tuned in, Appreciative and deeply embedded in the glorious natural world around me. I am an outspoken advocate for the number of issues that have and continue to effect me deeply and thoroughly. I write, I talk, I share because I realize that is one of the tasks that I am well-suited for and it brings me fulfillment.
I am intrinsically pleased with who I have become. I am grateful for the ability to examine and analyze all the factors that have contributed to who I am today.
I define myself.
This Is Who I Am


- Posted using BlogPress from my iPad

Thursday, September 11, 2014