Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Friday, March 27, 2015

I put myself down...for wanting normal things...insomnia

 I beat myself up....I have to take medication every night because I like to be able to sleep. I think I'm weak and abusing meds, when I'm really not. I have 4 different meds I rotate, in very small doses, just to try and quiet my restless, ambling mind or my spastic autistic tics or to calm the flashbacks. God, I'm not doing anything wrong...I'm just wanting to be able to rest and sleep like normal people do. I've been so harsh with myself. I'm not a druggie or an escapist. I tend to think the worst of me. I kinda hide the fact that I require meds every night like I'm committing a crime or major sin by being a life-long insomniac. I need help, assistance, intervention in order to get through the nights. I'm not a bad person. Gosh, why can't I believe that?
  I have to justify and rationalize every single pill I take...like I don't deserve to have peace. Like I'm constantly punishing myself..thinking that I don't deserve what most people take for granted. 
 Why am I so mean to myself? Why is it so hard to find myself worthy of the Simplest of Things and of the most Basic Human Rights? Even asking my doctor for meds....I Feel like I'm doing Something Wrong....like I'm weak or whining or complaining about things inconsequential. Dammit.
 I need to think and feel better about myself. I need to acknowledge and honor this fucked up shitty struggle I deal with everyday. I need it to be okay to take care of myself. I'm not asking too much but this is so damn foreign to me..wanting to take care of myself, be free of pain and angst. I can acknowledge it now, I think. I can ask and receive help...if I can just realize that I deserve it...I deserve a good, healthy life. And, yeah, that requires...it Requires pharmacological assistance. I needn't be ashamed or embarrassed about this. 
 I'm not asking for special treatment, just the ability to have a semblance of a normal life.

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

You know I'm in a mood if I say....

My Life Purpose....or, the reason I couldn't find it

Feeling sad and confused, alone again, naturally

 It's gotten kinda rough. My son left home last week, that in and of itself isn't a bad thing. I think the hard part is not knowing if he is okay. And having no one to talk to about it. Definitely at a crossroads. I look at my feet and wonder which way to go. My arms are empty. There is no warm, comforting place to go. No solace. No peace.
 Being scared, running in circles that entwine and condense. Everything is at a standstill on the precipice of the unknown, without anchors or handholds. What was previously thought of as stable and secure has evaporated in the cold, harsh reality that people, children, hopefully, grow, evolve and change. Trying to be okay with that.
 See, 22 years ago, I felt completely alone in this world. I had divorced and estranged my entire family and everyone, everything, that I had ever known. That sense, that aloneness, was a gaping hole under my feet from which I could not escape. 
 I try and fix my own problems, with varying degrees of success. Always have, always will...Back then...I wanted to find a way to never be that alone again. A way to have someone to love and share this wicked walk with. Someone I could forever love and be at my side. I decided to have a child. 
 And God smiled upon me, and within three days I had met the perfect donor to conceive my son. Talk about happiness and predestination, fate and all that good stuff. I knew what I needed and was given exactly what I'd asked for.
  I guess I kinda knew he'd move on at some point, logically, intellectually...but emotionally....how could I ever prepare for it?  
 The hardest part is the not knowing how he is. Is he happy, content, stressed...I don't know.
 In a way, my life until last week revolved around us, me and him. Now, he has chosen a path that leads to...unknown. And I'm left here standing alone. That aloneness of over 22 years was a place I never wanted to visit again. But here I am.
 I'm not mad or disappointed in him. I can't be. I love him too much.
 Trying to figure out how to fill that empty space. Trying to not worry and believe that if he ever needed help that he would call. I miss being an important person in his life. I miss having that value. Miss having him care.
 Part of me, a big part of me, admires him for taking such a big step. I know he is extremely strong and fully capable. I have no doubt. If he doesn't want me in his life, well, I kinda get that too. He knows I love him and I know he loves me. Trust and faith is nice but a reassuring word, call, letter, would go a long way.
  Figuring out how to reconfigure and adjust, shift, to compensate.
 The compass spins wildly, erratically and I'm not quite sure where I'm going to end up. Which direction to go, et all.
 Boy, the usual landmarks have proven false, flighty and downright unreliable. I clearly see that now.
Anyway, I'm fine. I'm always fine. Watching the wild winds blow.

Monday, March 23, 2015

Falling Apart...very quietly

Blogging, the place to go where someone might hear you scream

 The sounds of understanding are at a deafening roar. Either I contend with someone emotionally shut down, who backs away at the slightest hint of those dreaded emotions and builds walls, running and hiding from herself and every single shred of feeling, or I am one of the many, same issues as everybody else...can't see or hear me through the crowd of normalcy. 
 Then there are actually two in my corner, in my favor, who can see me, what I'm feeling and hear what I'm saying. Unfortunately, I don't interact with the latter two enough. I really need to decide how I'm to spend the next ten years. If this absence of intimacy is doable or self-sacrificing. Maybe I deserve a shot at emotional happiness and well being.
 I've wound the web tighter around me, as the finding of words to speak has dwindled to a murmur. Patching up those holes in the wall. Taking another step or two back to try and sort out this hot mess that looks "all good" from the outside, or a great distance.
  Two things to think about, everything and nothing at all.
  I guess I should mention that my life took an unexpected, sudden turn last week. And I've reverted to a much more private, introspective nature. No wonder I haven't written...there is very little to say. Hoping my Aspie friends understand....when things get really bad, emotions are intense and retreat is the best option.