I have to justify and rationalize every single pill I take...like I don't deserve to have peace. Like I'm constantly punishing myself..thinking that I don't deserve what most people take for granted.
Why am I so mean to myself? Why is it so hard to find myself worthy of the Simplest of Things and of the most Basic Human Rights? Even asking my doctor for meds....I Feel like I'm doing Something Wrong....like I'm weak or whining or complaining about things inconsequential. Dammit.
I need to think and feel better about myself. I need to acknowledge and honor this fucked up shitty struggle I deal with everyday. I need it to be okay to take care of myself. I'm not asking too much but this is so damn foreign to me..wanting to take care of myself, be free of pain and angst. I can acknowledge it now, I think. I can ask and receive help...if I can just realize that I deserve it...I deserve a good, healthy life. And, yeah, that requires...it Requires pharmacological assistance. I needn't be ashamed or embarrassed about this.
I'm not asking for special treatment, just the ability to have a semblance of a normal life.