Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Thursday, September 3, 2015

Self-Worth

The Raging Hypocrite

For lo, about 20 yrs, I turned what was once sacred, food, into a commodity, a measure of my worth and a sign of my ego-driven affluence.
I grew up hungry, almost every single day. One of my dreams was to have enough to eat for days on end. That dream came true...and then I abused it.
I treated groceries like currency and over compensated my feelings of worthlessness by stuffing my grocery cart with everything I might possibly need, and then some.
No longer did I look at prices, I just looked for promises...that I would never go hungry again. In the process, I became a blind consumer who thought nothing of buying a bushel when I only needed a peck.
I had money, dammit, and I would buy what I wanted whether I ended up using it or throwing it in my trash. A small village, in a third world nation could have grown fat on my uneaten leftovers and spoiled fruit.
As I publicly decry hunger, I perpetuate the elitest attitude that I get what I want, whenever I want.
Well, no more.
I feel remorse for my long-standing selfish attitude. No more wasteful spending.

To Bee

Waste Less, Buying Food Conscientiously

Downsizing, reducing excess consumption and buying less, also involves grocery shopping.
I've always been bothered by how much food spoils in my fridge or how many cans and boxed goods run past their expiration date on my cupboard shelves.
Thus, it's time to change. It's time to consciously think and decide what I truly need from the grocery store, can I use it by the expiration date? How many days until I'll use it? Do I have to buy 3 boxes of one item because I'm afraid of running out?
I've harbored the thinking that I need to have an abundance of items crowding my shelves for fear opening a cupboard and seeing only a few things, I'd panic.
I've been buying too much, too often and wasted more than my conscious can carry.
I think before I buy. I don't purchase out of fear, because it's there, because I can or its on sale. I'm redefining every aspect of my life and the money and importance of daily sustenance is one that needs close introspection.
My goal is simply. Waste less. Think about what I need and purchase accordingly.
It's time to change.

Haiku, a brief description

Haiku (俳句 high-koo) are short poems that use sensory language to capture a feeling or image. They are often inspired by an element of nature, a moment of beauty, or another poignant experience. Haiku poetry was originally developed by Japanese poets, and the form was adopted (and adapted) by virtually every modern language, including our own.

Tuesday, September 1, 2015

Ingesting Raw Art

Feeling more like myself

There are a few reasons I've had the best day today. I completed errands and chores, didn't need to nap, and well, I felt more like me.
I had a..not so much intense, but a very revealing, introspective therapy session yesterday, in which I was able to narrow down some highly negative emotions centering around self-hatred and the whys of those feelings.
My therapist said that a lot of illness stems from self-hatred and I ranted a litany of examples as to why I harbored deep self-loathing. I can't say it enough...physical illnesses benefit by psychotherapy. I'm living, walking proof.
Walking, that simplest of movements, has been my biggest bane these past months. Today, I walked a lot unencumbered, sans by trusting cane. It was heavenly to walk, to be able to carry myself on my own two legs.
My anger is tempering, calming down. I have a long list of reasons to be angry and I'm working to "balance out."
My first disability check arrived today! Wow, the relief was deeper and more dramatic than I could have anticipated. I feel like a worthy human for the first time in decades. I kept most of the money in the bank. I treated myself to an art magazine and a poetry book. Tomorrow I hope to get my ears pierced so that I will have 3 on the left and 2 right. That equates to getting one more on each ear. They will be my freedom (ear) rings.
Speaking of ears..my left ear is slowly recovering. Putting the drops in is a queer, unnerving sensation but it has to be done. I continually keep a piece of cotton in, as it reduces my chance for reinjury and it feels more protected. Oft it feels, sounds like I am underwater, which is both scarey and comforting.
I haven't been able to listen to music more than a few minutes. It simply irritates and doesn't make sense like it used to.
Part of me feels...slightly blessed that I hear less. The outside world and it's incessant, nonsense noise has plagued me all my autistic life. Whilst sounds continue to bother and pain me, as my ears recover...there is a little peace in being less a victim of painful sound stimuli
  I continue downsizing. Today I managed two big bags to Goodwill. Hoping this week or next to get the bags of clothes to the out of town Goodwill store.
I spent a goodly length of time talking about the TLC documentary Breaking the Silence, as well as my own personal story of incest and child abuse with a couple pros at the community mental health center, while I waited as my son saw his therapist.
It only slightly surprised me how at ease I speak about a subject that three years ago I could barely whisper about.
I am, truly, a natural born speaker. My goal is to develop a speech that I can present to various groups of people. I've spent the last couple of days mentally going over what I need to share and talk about. I'm researching online and developing my talking points.
One major item...that always gets me..is the tragedy of Eric, the boy I knew was being abused and he didn't get the help he needed. Eric is dead now, as well as an innocent man. Eric's story is one of my many reasons that I want to speak, make people aware of the signs and symptoms of child abuse, what actions to take, and where to call for help. Between you and me, my talks will always care within me...the love for Eric. He is an inspiration. I want to prevent what happened to him. I want to, yeah, save all the children, but I am one person and I can focus on helping the 4,000 children in my county. 4,000 children are being, have been or will be sexually abused before they turn 18. That's staggering and heartbreaking and I will make a difference. This is sexually abuse statistics that doesn't even include physical, emotional abuse and neglect.
I will make a difference where I stand. I will easily and freely share my history and experiences, I will inform and answer questions and get children the help they need by training parents and educators into being the advocates for these suffering kids.
  Therapy, acupuncture, online groups, listening and communicating with Erin Merryn, rediscovering myself, receiving an income, all these things are contributing to my well being. I am grateful and most deserving.
I have work to do!!!