The More I Talk, the Better I Feel...friendships

Life isn't a primrose path of happy feelings. I am a nice person, but not always. Acknowledging, talking and writing about my irks and "unmentionable" negative emotions, is really freeing me up.


I'd judge...well, I continually judge, whether a thought or feeling is politically correct and sayable.
I try hard not to hurt others feelings but maybe it's just time for more truth and less censorship.
It's been to my emotional and physical detriment to keep so much sequestered in. It's becoming clearer and clearer how closely tied my physical condition is, to the state of my emotions.
Unhealthy, unspoken, clogged emotions lead to a sick body.
I'm tired of stuffing. I'm done putting up with bs.


It's ironic...today, on my walk, I spied, from a distance, one of those unfriends who denies we ever were friends...kinda like a "known stranger." I've learned with these people, to just ignore them without altering my own path. I run from people no more. They have an unknown beef with me, they can monitor my movements out if the corner of their eye....my path will not change.
With this specific "known stranger", I am absolutely clueless as to why she stopped calling. Can't say I really care at this point. She obviously had issues.



  I was just talking to another Aspie this week, about how hard it is to figure out the parameters of any friendship. How often to call? When, time wise? How often to ask to visit or hang out? We try really hard to figure out these individualistic boundaries and it's challenging. We really mean not to infringe or overwhelm. Someone hand me the friendship rule book please:)
Funny, I went for a long walk by myself....kept thinking....Autism=the Power if One. And how much easier and freer it is, to be absolutely alone...no strings, no trying to figure this out or that person out....it was nice.
I'm okay alone. It's not necessarily a bad thing. I have moments when I'd like a friend...then the moment passes.


I am not a bad person, in any way, shape or form. I am complex and very hard to get to know. I don't trust easily. I don't play well with others, at times. And I'm okay with that.
I just like having people that care about me and that I can be honest with.


I'm getting more truthful with myself. I'm able to identify, yeah, actually identify and put names to how I feel And I'm willing to write, talk and deal.
Live long and prosper:)

Inside Autism..A Photo Essay

When I am alone, it's easier to be who I truly am, autistic. Today I went for a walk. Here are my thoughts:

I saw this old wooden sign on a tree. I wonder what it used to say.

A broken piece of glass. I wonder what broke. Was it an accident? Was anyone hurt? Should I pick it up, bury it or leave it alone?

Hmm, an artificial daffodil. I wonder where dead artificial flowers go? It's completely useless and out of its element. I'm at the cemetery,so someone must have placed it on a loved ones grave. I wonder what will happen to it? Probably get chewed up by the lawn mower or raked into one of the piles marked abandon. It isn't mine to take or save. Sure does look real.

Looks like old curbing, no longer wanted or needed. I wonder where it was originally. I wonder if this is it's final resting place. Cement decays so slowly, softly, with not even a hush.

I don't know what these are, but there are piles of them.

An old tire that looks pretty new. I wonder what it fell off of, how it broke

I can't figure that these old oil tanks were ever used in this cemetery. I'm guessing someone, probably one of the cemetery workers, just dumped them out here. You never know what you will find walking the back roads and outskirts of a cemetery.

There were quite a few of these...abandon..urns. Guess they just pile them all up. Someone had paid for them. Probably had plants or flowers in them. I wonder how they lost their place. Maybe they just couldn't figure out which place they belonged to, now they dwell in nomans land.

Ahhh, I found the artificial flower graveyard.

I wasn't sure what to make of this. It might be an old rusted plow. Hmmm, I don't know for sure.

I was going to walk down this two-track, but an old woman spirit stopped me. Apparently, something that would have disturbed me was back there or had taken place in that area. She was a kind and helpful ghost spirit. I could have walked past her. I was veryvery curious. I heeded her warning and stayed away.

Lots of pipes. Probably for irrigation. They looked both interesting and out-of-place.

Miscellaneous concrete slabs left to die. Probably going to rest against that tree forever. Maybe they will even become part of the tree, you know, tree grows over them...if left long enough.

Two posts with a chain and a small piece of that PVC pipe from a previous picture. I had crossed it to get these pictures and look around. I didn't see any no trespassing signs. I don't know if the pipe and chain is like a no trespass sign or like a "watch out, don't drive into the chain and down this path by accident." I didn't feel internally bad when I crossed it, so I think it was alright.

Ahhhh, a whole bunch of pretend flowers hiding behind a pine tree. These flowers had a suspicious, nefarious feel to them...like someone deliberately ripped them off a gravesite, in anger and dismay and callously, with great vengeance, tossed them in the nearest hide spot.

Probably an old flag from last Veterans day. I wasn't going to take a picture because sometimes people get reallyreally upset if they see an American flag crumpled. Then I chuckled to yself and thought, hey, I'm not the only one that an attach huge meaning to inanimate objects!

Contrast...the dead tree, the life trying to grow all on its own in the discarded container. Sometimes life needs nothing but it's own impetus to grow. It doesn't necessarily need anyone or anything but opportunity.

Discarded, in death springs life. Nothing's ever wasted. The end begets the beginning. The cycle of life.

See, I really am at the cemetery. I liked the perspective.

The horse chestnut trees are starting to open their leaves.

A better close-up:)

I am always grateful for the volunteers who put the flags on the veterans graves. I saw them doing it today. Our veterans are our greatest heroes.

I see lines, boundaries where most don't. I have to think and decide if it's okay, acceptable and safe before I cross any. There is a division between the grass, which I had previously deemed, acceptable to walk on and the myrtle, periwinkle coated forest floor. I still felt squimish, unsure setting foot into the myrtle.

A big, man-made concretion, of unknown origin. Looks old judging by the stones conglomerated together. Doesn't look like a house foundation or anything. Unknown.

A closer view. You can see more of the rocky substance and all the moss and plants that call it home.

Well, this was my funnest anomaly in the cemetery...a very old, rusted box spring from a bed. Ya gotta wonder how it ended up here, why no one has removed it and the story behind it:)

Just had to get a nother view:) Cool, huh?

This is a root from a tree that had started growing above ground. Poor tree. The lawn mower has run over and chopped at it dozens of times. It's formed a pretty healthy looking scab scar. The wound is actually quite beautiful and intricate. Poor tree....that had to hurt.

Whilst walking near the forest, I found this piece of very old headstone. I felt kinda sad. I'm guessing it broke apart with age and then unceremoniously got swept away by the plow truck into a pile. The snow melted and left it partially buried. Looks like trucks have driven over it. Sad

Whatssup?

A piece of birch amongst the leaves.

Strange concretion of unknown origin or use. A quiet, silent monolith to....something.

This is where the dead wreaths go. There is a metal burn bucket nearby. Note to self: if I ever place a wreath, remove and dispose of in a timely manner.

This cemetery two-track, also has a chain with little colored flags. They don't want unofficial cars driving down here.

See, the post with wire cable and makeshift flags.

I went back to that broken headstone I found. I just couldn't leave it there to be trampled and run over...so I brushed it off some and put a bunch of sticks upright in the ground so the cemetery workers would notice it. :) I feel a little less sad.

I marveled at this tree with a massive old wound. How did it manage to survive and thrive?

Absolutely amazed and astounded!!! Beautiful, magnificent!

I went for a walk today. This is what I saw and thought.
Autism= the power of one

Good Article on Autism and Sensory Overload

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Sunday, May 12 2013 6AM 33°F 9AM 32°F 5-Day Forecast
Autistic children see movement TWICE as quickly as those without condition
Experts found that the quicker the movement the faster the child saw it
Scientists believe the findings may provide clues to what causes condition
May explain why autistic people are overwhelmed by bright lights and noises
By RACHEL REILLY
PUBLISHED: 04:57 EST, 9 May 2013 | UPDATED: 07:24 EST, 9 May 2013
Comments (45)
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Experts think that the hypersensitive brain of an autistic person may explain why sufferers can be overwhelmed by loud noises and bright lights

Children with autism see simple movement twice as quickly as other children their age, according to a new study.

Scientists think this this hypersensitivity to motion may provide clues to what causes the disorder.

The findings may explain why some people suffering with autism are sensitive to bright lights and loud noises.

‘We think of autism as a social disorder because children with this condition often struggle with social interactions, but what we sometimes neglect is that almost everything we know about the world comes from our senses.

'Abnormalities in how a person sees or hears can have a profound effect on social communication,' says Duje Tadin, one of the lead authors on the study and an assistant professor of brain and cognitive sciences at the University of Rochester.

Although previous studies have found that people with autism possess enhanced visual abilities with still images, this is the first research to discover a heightened awareness of motion.

The findings were reported in the Journal of Neuroscience by Tadin, co-lead author Jennifer Foss-Feig, a postdoctoral fellow at the Child Study Center at Yale University, and colleagues at Vanderbilt University.

In the study, 20 children with autism and 26 typically-developing children, all aged 8 to 17, viewed brief video clips of moving black and white bars.

They were asked to indicate which direction the bars were heading, right or left.

Each time a participant chose the correct direction, the next video clip became slightly shorter and so a little more difficult.


More...
Does your child really have a behaviour disorder? A shocking book by a leading therapist reveals how millions of us - including children - are wrongly labelled with psychiatric problems
Number of disabled children soars by 16% in just 10 years and experts believe autism is to blame
When a child made a mistake, the next video became a bit longer and thus easier to see. In this way, the researchers were able to measure how quickly children with autism can perceive motion.

The researchers found that when the bars in the image were just barely visible, both groups of children performed identically. When the contrast or darkness of the bars was increased all participants in the study got better at perceiving the direction of movement.

‘But kids with autism, got much, much better—performing twice as well as their peers,’ says Foss-Feig.


The study found that autistic children were hypersensitive to movement

In fact, the worst performing participant with autism was roughly equal to the average of the participants without autism.

‘This dramatically enhanced ability to [see] motion is a hint that the brains of individuals with autism keep responding more and more as intensity increases.

The scientitst sais that while this could e seen as an advantange, in most circumstances the heightened sense could cause sensory overload.

Such hypersensitive perception is the neural signature for a brain that is unable to dampen its response to sensory information, note the authors.

This same increase in brain ‘excitability’ is also found in epilepsy, which is strongly linked to autism.

In fact, as many as one third of individuals with autism also have epilepsy. Normally, the brain puts the brakes on its responses to sound, taste, touch, and other stimuli when they become too intense.

The research builds on earlier findings that people with autism process visual stimuli differently.

For example, previous studies have shown that people with autism are better able to perceive basic patterns, are able to see simple line images more quickly, and are more focused on details than those without the condition.

In contrast, in more complex tasks, like facial recognition, these enhancements become impairments.

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Add your comments Comments (45)
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and mental illness does not exist.i have met lots of people with it in the mental health system
- ian poolton , Smethwick United Kingdom, 11/5/2013 17:43
Click to rate Rating 5 Report abuse
who knows.it could be the cause of epilepsy as well as ulcerative colitis/crohns and many other illnesses though it only gave me ulcerative colitis
- ian poolton , Smethwick United Kingdom, 11/5/2013 15:57
Click to rate Rating 4 Report abuse
complete nonsense.as ive written before autism is aspergillosis of the sinuses/asthma(breathing out one nostril/food getting stuck in throat.it gave me ulcerative colitis aged 17(im 46 now)and am using a sinus rinse
- ian poolton , Smethwick United Kingdom, 11/5/2013 15:41
Click to rate Rating 12 Report abuse
At last!!! I've struggled for years to get schools etc to recognise that my sons SENSORY problems are far more disabling to him than the more recognised "social impairment" they always want to focus on. He can't even think about social interaction if he can't function at all within his environment.
- Dolly , walsall, 11/5/2013 09:12
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Your comments: google default mode network This is already well known in neurology.
- oliverthered , Southport, 10/5/2013 19:45
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V interesting. I wonder if this could be part of the fear/flight response, a state of permanent heightened anxiety which sharpens the senses, and could link in somehow to the different levels of cortisol found in this group. My Asperger's child says: "I feel like a prey animal." I would think rabbits, deer, etc have a very heightened sense of any flicker of movement around them. I have read several small pieces of research which found a heightened heart beat amongst ASD children compared to controls.
- SandraB , London, 10/5/2013 09:58
Click to rate Rating 15 Report abuse
This is nothing new. It was recognized in the seventies, particularly by research at the University of Arizona, that most autistic children (under the old criteria) were having sensory processing problems. Some had visual issues, some auditory issues, some tactile issues and some olfactory (scent) issues. Some kids couldn't handle changes in their environments because they couldn't justify (balance) the old knowledge of the space with its present configuration (such as rearranging the furniture or taking a different route to school or even changing dinner time.) Kids developed multiple coping strategies (rocking, putting their hands under running water, spinning objects, watch TV test patterns.) They became uncommunicative because they couldn't prioritize input. The newest research shows that there is a genetic component to some cases of autism and some identifiable brain issues (via PET scanning) for others.
- pat , penna, 10/5/2013 07:16
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people with dyspraxia, aka non-verbal learning disorder in the US, also frequently have this problem. I also have this problem, it makes it hard for me to catch a ball. All i see is a blur.
- lolo , portland oregon, 10/5/2013 06:06
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Are all of u that ignorant??? I am a mom of a beautiful 2 year old girl who was diagnosed at 1 with autism. My self and my husband tried for 6 years to have her and are wonderful patents and it breaks our hearts every second of every day to see her struggle. A good " smack" as one of u say can cure them! I pray none of you are ever in our shoes.
- Booandbug , Staten island, United States, 10/5/2013 04:05
Click to rate Rating 35 Report abuse
"Not sure that this article will cut much ice on here - as ninety per cent of DM readers know (judging from the shocking and ignorant comments following a recent article), there is no such thing as autism and it's a result of bad parenting. - The Futurist, Chelmsford, 9/5/2013 11:32" No. Your ignorance is a result of bad parenting - Laura , Sydney, Australia, 09/5/2013 22:26 Laura if you re-read The Futurist's comments, you will note that he/she was referring to shocking and ignorant comments made by some readers who assumed that it was bad parenting. I am not under the impression that he/she thinks that it is and any of us who has the experience at close range would know that it certainly is not!
- Baffled , Newcastle, United Kingdom, 09/5/2013 23:51
Click to rate Rating 18 Report abuse
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Broken Friendships

I just realized this saying, the other day....how very true it is.
I've lost three friendships this year. And I don't want to continue to stuff them away and pretend it doesn't hurt. Because it does.

I've really tried to forget...the good times, happy memories, the closeness and the broken trust. It was never implied the friendship would be forever...I just never thought it would end so abrupt.
What do you do when a friend leaves, says goodbye...without a word?
Was it ever real in the first place? Was it just a vague, foggy, game of deception? How can something that was....just begone?
I'm really good at "filler friends"...you know,the kind that bop into your life for weeks or months and then disappear in the moonless night.
God, I hate getting close to someone and then having the door slam shut in my face.
I can see where I probably got too intense, stupid and made mistakes.....apparently there are things I do that are unforgivable.
I must have used up my allotted time infringing on their life.

How do I accept...that a friend no longer cares? Where's the book of wisdom on how to deal with that?
Why do I have to add another name to the "do not call....do not acknowledge me...go away" list.
Sometimes, it just isn't worth the risk....the letting down of walls. Trust can be broken in the blink of an eye.
I didn't see the, "yeah, I'll help you, but only to this point" meter running low.
How do you erase the memories and deny the past ever existed? Where's the reset button? I want to burn this damn bridge....but the memories walk and talk and abound. One bad thing about living in a small town....you can't hide...you will encounter those who don't want to see you.
Plagued.

Guess the best I can do.......is continue to work on destroying that bridge. I acknowledge....that I miss her. Don't want to give her the satisfaction.....of knowing I can be hurt so...but I miss her. Sucks
Tears on mirrors. Banging on leaden doors. Pisses me off when I allow someone close enough to hurt me so. I used to know better.i used to recognize "too good to be true." I used to readily, and quickly sprint away before anyone get close enough. This time, I got caught mighty in the trap.
Hurt, hurt, hurt....kicking cement blocks
Do I wish I had never met her? Absolutely
Do I regret every creating fond memories? You betcha
Do I sincerely regret ever allowing her close? Damn straight
How dare she come into my life and offer a hand up and then let go?
I've learned a few things. I've reinforced and instituted more protocols and defenses.
It sucks when someone you trusted doesn't care anymore, shuts the door and walks away.
Sometimes you lose.....sometimes being who you are and doing your best don't work.
Time to wash my hands. I can't let her hurt me anymore.
Hand me the eraser.
She wasn't as real as I once thought

Thoughts on Lies, Embarrassment and Poverty

I don't think a child is born being embarrassed and ashamed of who they are. On my morning walk, still processing the latest round of theraputic revelations, I was reminded of how I grew up embarrassed.
 My mother taught me to hide and be embarrassed about living in poverty. She taught me to shun and disregard my own small genuine feelings of hunger and need. "Wanting" was very much wrong. Having a "need" for love,attention, affection, food and money were disregarded and considered selfish.
 I learned to be ashamed of myself for having basic, every child needs. I thought I was a bad, selfish child because I wanted clean clothes and food three times a day. Now, with Therapists help, I realize that I was not selfish, but, in fact, quite a normal child with normal needs.
 My hands were always open and held out. But I was taught that was wrong.

 Poverty is nothing to be ashamed of. Yikes, I shudder at the mere mental verbalizations of that. Poverty is an environmental state of being that someone does not Neccessarily deserve. In my family's case, my dad lost his job....no crime there. It didn't make my family any less. Help, government and ecclesiastical was available, but fear of anyone entering the house....and maybe unrealistic judgement, kept my parents from getting needed assistance. That, to me, was the real crime. People, automatically want to help other people. Had mother let down her own veil of embarrassment, children would Not have had to go hungry.

I don't believe anyone invites poverty to come and stay. Rather, I believe it can be circumstantial, or a way of life, with the stricken not knowing or having the means to escape. Poverty is Not something to be ashamed about. And it is certainly nothing to hide. If you hide, you cannot get help. And help is available.

I continue to believe that general human nature is kind and giving, overall. I believe that people like helping others.
My mother was a battered woman, physically and emotionally, I get that. But her scars need not be mine. I am not required to carry her embarrassment and deluded ideals. It's time to let go of her inherited shame and embarrassment.