Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Wednesday, June 29, 2016

I want to be fit not fat

I've put on at least 10 pounds over the past two months. I know exactly why and I couldn't control it At That Time. The starvation flashbacks have abated. I'm unhappy with the way my clothes fit as well as the eating habits I've adapted. So, it's time for a I throw up my arms and just accept my condition and new dietary habits? Or do I embrace my power to change and become fit?
I choose the latter. It's time for a new regime. I'm good to go!

Tuesday, June 28, 2016


...and maybe I am nothing but Ether...I can't seem to connect to anyone...not even myself
seperated, divided and so far removed
invisible, incapable of being real

Sunday, June 26, 2016

The Eternal Quest

I have an unquenchable thirst to understand life

Life and Dying

I think loved ones dying help remind us what life is all about...somehow actions and decisions become clearer as the trivial fluff falls to the wayside

I Don't Like Photographs of Myself

Although, I don't mind so much if it's just the back of my head. From what I've observed, people typically have photos throughout their home, walls and desk of themselves and their loved ones. I do not. As someone who rarely looks in a mirror, I find photos...unsettling, especially of myself.
I don't recognize my self. I have to consciously say, "hey, that's me," but I don't like to. I'd rather avoid the emotional distress and just keep photos where they a drawer or on the camera.
I have a small collection of pics of my kids on the fridge. Every time I look at them I have to tell myself  who they are. It's weird because I have this natural knack of guessing the correct age of every kid I see. So I know the photos are of my son at so many months or years of age.
Maybe it's my prosopagnosia, my inability to recognize faces that disturbs me so. Maybe it's my autism that is uncomfortable with eye contact, even from nothing more than a picture. Or it could be the aspect of my autism that reads too much into how someone is feeling on the inside, with a minor glance.
Could it be my DID/MPD in that I can't remember when the photo was taken and, hmm, maybe the reminders of the blackouts make me nervous?
So many various possibilities. All I know is...I don't like photographs.

Friday, June 24, 2016

I don't know what to do with my life

I've figured that I will be living on my own shortly. The days will be filled with my son and school, puppy and walking...and then what?
Sure paying bills, buying groceries and cooking meals will be a part of everyday but what else? What do people do everyday? Go to work, take care of the kids, cook, that it? It seems rather, seriously mundane and a collection of trivialities.
I guess I don't understand what I'm doing here if it's so blah.
Eat, drink, sleep, exciting stuff.
I know that I'll be learning to live within my means. The disability check and food stamps will be my forever income so I'll get acclimated to that. My needs are few. My wants are few.
I don't want or need anyone to support me. It'd be like selling myself and my integrity all over again. What I can do is to find the right agencies to help me for life's little unexpecteds. I'm not sure I'll even qualify for casemanagment in this town, but maybe a different city. Insurance doesn't want to pay for much so I'm looking at cities with improved social service agencies and groups. Ideally, I'll live without extra assistance but it's important to know everything that is available.
Waiting feels like a slow death. I'm waiting to hear back from this, that and the other place.
I'm not worried, per se, I'm just impatient in my longing to live in my own place. Like a hidden dream that I dared never speak of has been spoken and all that hope and wish now floats at the surface, longing, longing, impatiently.
There are do many people I'd like to get away from and the painful memories inflicted. I don't want to be trapped anymore. Watch out, the lion is out of its cage and she be walking pulling me on her leash.
Life seems...funny, stupid, just one confusing embarrassing incident after another, you know? I think if I moved I'd get a chance to live in a place where I'm not known for this foolish antic, that emotional outburst or as the one who said that ridiculous thing or sent out that stupid email. Every time I reach out, communicate outwards, it's more likely to haunt me or slap me in the face than help.
I collect the negative memories real good. Getting rid of them, not so good.
There comes a point whereby everytime I look at someone my failures or errors just sting me and slap me down. I see epic fails all around and there is no free space, no place to look that doesn't hold one of my epicfails.
Guess I need to buy a better attitude or spend more time with my eyes closed.
Is life really nothing more than a collection of chores, food and watching tv?
No comprendo

Learning About My Boston Terrier

I took 1 1/2 year old Rosebud in for her shots yesterday. My vet is one of the best and explained a number of things to me.
Rosebud is a perfect example of a Boston in size, coloring and weight.
At 11 lbs, she is fully grown and falls into the smallest of the three Boston weight categories which is just Perfect for me.
She can't have nylabones or any toys that she can chew pieces off of. She is allowed these Kongs to chew on or only natural snacks like carrots or apples.
There are two types of Bostons, Hardy and Highly Sensative. Of course, Rosebud fits into the latter category just like me. I need to rotate her food which is gluten-free, chicken, beef and additive free. She will only eat one brand for a day or two so I have to keep switching them and make sure she is getting enough to eat.
She has allergies and periodic hair loss. She gets benadryl when she gets really itching. I've started supplementing her diet with half a sardine every day which has allowed her hair to grow back.
She has minor corneal scarring either from injury or dryness. I use an eye wash to rinse her eyes and am to apply a drop or two of olive oil once in awhile.
Vaccines make her very tired and lethargic for a couple days. This is completely normal. She is currently sleeping on my lap and has been way sleepy. Her temp is up a bit but that's another part of a normal vaccine response.
Bostons usually are known for barking a lot. Rosebud is atypical in that respect and rarely barks.
Watching her behave at the vets, she is a very outgoing, sociable little pup. She went greeting nose-to-nose with the big dogs without aggression or hesitation.
She has a wonderful, affectionate personality. I'm very fortunate to have her. It's wonderful to come home to her and have her in my lap. Taking her for walks gets me out of the house much more than my usual. She loves sleeping under the covers with me and readily moves and adjusts when I change position.
What a fabulous pup!!!