Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Thursday, November 20, 2014

I'm afraid of.....Aspergers Fears...fear of the Unknown

 I am afraid of:
 Deep Water...not knowing what lurks below the surface.
  Sinkholes and Earthquakes...destructive, unexpected, physically harmful events...unpredictable.
 Insects...that I am not able to identify 100%. Not knowing if they bite, sting, are poisonous or naught.
  Animals with teeth...all of them, cats, dogs, horses, mice, rats, pigs. Any animals with teeth have the potential to bite me unless I know them to be tame, friendly and docile.
  Walking into new buildings. Afraid I'll get lost and not be able to get back out.
  Driving to new cities, districts, areas. Not knowing the appropriate traffic rules, regulations, afraid I'll go down wrong way on a one way street, searching for traffic lights and hidden stop signs.
  Food. Anything I haven't cooked myself. Will it make me sick? A severe allergic or gluten reaction? Undercooked? Spicy?
  A Big One...I hesitate and am quite fearful of Opening Closed Doors. Is this the right room? Is someone nefarious lurking? An ambush? Will I get locked in? 
 Quite succinctly, I am afraid of The Unknown. Anything, anywhere or anyone that I have not had previous experience with scares me.
 I am comfortable around the known and the familiar. I am an introvert, a damn good recluse and happy as I am. I revel in absence of fear.

Patience, Grasshopper

The Lone Wolf

Monday, November 17, 2014

Tired, can't sleep

Fell asleep at 9pm...now mentally awake at 3am. Thinking.
Arm and neck sore. Can't get comfortable. Can't take Valium or Xanax as I've had too much lately and now they make me jittery.
 Have to finish disability forms tomorrow. Therapy tomorrow and too many things to try and cover.
Still overly Lyme tired. Yes, it's getting progressively better but it seems so very slow.
 I don't know how to fix broken friendships. Never had. It stymies me. I'm not friendship material. Totally self absorbed, inconsistant and too many times I'm totally withdrawn into my self.
  Can't seem to get the kid to be even quasi responsible. Unable to count on him to be of any help. 
 Things I want to do but the energy level isn't there. Sat around almost all day. 
 Having this series of "flashing"...a dozen or so, rapidly moving pictures of my past, with emotion. Working to calm that down until therapy.
 Morning comes early. Always look forward to coffee and toast for breakfast.
  Realizing more everyday how much I am loved. Always knew it but starting to feel it more. Can't understand why. It's new to me to allow myself to feel such. 
 

Saturday, November 15, 2014

Working on getting Social Security Disability with Autism, PTSD, DID and Lyme

Yikes, that's a big title and lots to deal with.
 Long story, bear with me.
I first went through the process on getting Disability way back when I was in my mid 20's. Oh geez, my memory is off, as I can't recall the year I actually started receiving it.
Anyway, jump to around 1997. I received my annual notice of SSD renewal. And I froze. I have deep difficulty understanding forms, their deadlines and exactly what they are asking of me (aspergers). I had no therapist, no case manager to bring the papers to. I felt embarrassed to ask my Partner, as she didn't know how dysfunctional and stupid I was regarding the most simplest of things. I Do remember the internal panic, chaos and confusion of not knowing what to do or where to turn, or what would happen. It Is hard to admit that something so clear to the average person, completely stymied me.
 Of course, after a period of time, I received a notice saying my benefits had stopped. Again, I didn't know what to do. Yes, back then, I spent most of my time heavily trapped within my own walls.
  A couple of years ago, having established a healthy therapeutic relationship with a qualified therapist and comfortable enough with myself to be honest with my Partner, I decided I could handle the stress of pursuing Disability again.
 Don't get me wrong, each step from filling out first application, getting rejected, finding and hiring a lawyer, getting an appeal date and more paperwork for me to misunderstand, has been fraught with more stress and confusion, but I'm getting there.
 A couple weeks ago, I received notice of my hearing for next month. Last night, I read the other papers that came along with the notice....like "please return this conformation page within 5 days."   Once again, my stupidity with the simplest of things...like reading through each page of an important notice, escaped me. I feel like such a goat. Hoping that I didn't, once again, miss my opportunity to get disability because of...my disabilities. I keep telling myself that my ineptness isn't a personal slight, that my autism renders my executive functions and ability to do simple,mundane tasks mute or challenged, isn't personal. Yeah, right. It is hard to live with myself with such ingrained character defects. Sigh.
 In rereading, I see that I can provide more info and even ask the judge to issue subpoenas. I think my DID and PTSD is well documented with my therapists forms. It's my autism that inflicts the most hardship on my daily ability to function. Having Aspergers means I can't explain myself well or see my difficulties or present them. I'm contemplating asking the judge to subpoena an autism expert that knows my daily challenges well. Trust me, Yikes, it's not something I contemplate lightly. Who likes having to testify? Granted the hearing is only thirty miles away and this person may be able to teleconference....I don't want to But I Will do my utmost to present as much credible, factual information as possible, to get the judge to understand my serious challenges of daily life and why I cannot function at a job. I've asked my attorney for his opinion on this matter.
 I also asked him if my health care provider should testify. My biggest physical huddle, the one that is debilitating and puts me down for weeks at a time, is my chronic Lyme and my neck problems. Not sure if I've documented those issues satisfactorily.
  So, this is where I'm at. Wondering if I've screwed myself. Waiting for an answer on subpoenas. Wondering if it will be best for my friend or partner to accompany me to my hearing. Mulling over...okay..worrying about the hearing realizing it could go either way. Knowing full well that I am incapable of work and having to live with that.
 This is where it's all at.

Friday, November 14, 2014

I feel unloved...Living DID and dealing with emotions from the past

I certainly hope you don't read this hoping for answers...wish I had some. All I offer is insight into living DID and dealing with emotions that have absolutely nothing to do with the present or the people now in my life. This is about dealing, analyzing and hopefully reclaiming another piece of this broken puzzle.
 I feel deeply unloved, unwanted...like I can't get enough affection or kindness...a somewhat sore, empty, small pit. 
I know where these feelings stem from. Looking back a few posts and therapy this week, logically, I get it. The trick is to understand where it comes from, feel these old feelings without losing it, yes, acknowledging and realizing from whence they came...I already know the why and the general situation...and work it out...write about, talk about....feel the misery....cause it won't go away unless it's addressed and dealt with.
 I've sat with these particular buried emotions for decades. I don't relish dusting them off and feeling them. I have to keep at least one foot in this everyday reality whilst I wrest with this recently surfaced stuff.
 I know, I know, I keep saying it but it's true...just struggling hard these days. Guess it's called healing...sure isn't easy.

She was Inconsistent