Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Thursday, October 30, 2014

Long Winded or ADHD

Sick, sick, sick

Ugh, way down with the Lyme. This relapse stems from an overbusy week, not enough rest, missing 2-3 doses of one med, going for a walk, getting acupuncture And not resting afterwards, and deep massaging my feet for over an hour and moving the stagnant, dormant lyme too quickly.
 It's the cumulative effect, as each one of these my physical body could have dealt with. 
 Once the relapse hits, I am helpless to stop it till the bacteria leave my body, usually a week or three. Physical moving about is not an option. I can force myself to do the very basics, but that's it.
 I can't allow myself to feel bad about not being able to do anything, canceling appointments and delegating tasks. It's just beyond me at this point. I won't belittle myself or carry blame for not going slower. Lyme is unpredictable. I thought I had progressed further, but this is what it is. 
 Had an interesting dream that I'll try and share in therapy, whenever I get there again. I dreamt that three adorable baby elephants were let lose in my yard. One just stood on its hind legs and looked about. One was playing with someone in the driveway. The third surprised me, as I only thought there were two, as she came running in from the side yard, very active, playful and fast. The third really made the standing elephant take notice.  I can see and understand the symbolism here. It relates to something I'm dealing with. One bright spot in this bedridden day.

Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Examining the Reasons, Causes of My Chronic Ailments, Starting with Lyme

Yikes, I carry within at least three, difficult to treat and manage, basically incurable ailments and I'm willing to explore any possibilities as to the how's and whys of their manifestation, in hopes for a healthier life. 
 I'm not a doctor, psychologist or expert by any means, just a deep thinking human who sees most illnesses as a call to examine, change and take action.
 Looking at Lyme Disease:
 Lyme is basically the immune system, the body overwhelmed, with opportunistic, negative thoughts, deep seated emotions, that have existed for an extended period of time. 
 It's like the body waves a white flag and succumbs to the barrage. Lost amidst a sea of invaders. Unable to find my own footing, my true, miraculous self. 
 I would benefit by going down the list of negative thoughts that my childhood embedded in me. My feelings of worthlessness...of being just a vacant vassal for someone else's pleasure and nefarious purposes...a tool...a puppet having no mind of my own. The powerlessness. Feeling, reinforced daily, that I am helpless and incapable of caring for and...liking, loving myself.
 My identity was stolen and supplanted by what my parents negatively trained me to be. A silent monkey in a dramatic theater where I had no words to say. Taught to go along, silently, arms thrown in the air, helpless and completely under their power and control.
 Maybe Lyme is an opportunity to stand up for myself and sort and discard those old, harmful ideas.
Sounds like a large and daunting task...but I don't want to settle for having this disease. 
  Maybe I should handle and address these issues one at a time. Each seems rather largesse and deep, thought provoking. 

A Dream about my dad and grandfather, surviving incest

Last night, I dreamt I went to visit my grandfather. I had a specific question. I felt nervous but really wanted to ask the question.
 Finally, met with him. I said, "you know what dad (grandpa's son) did to me, right (inferring the rampant sexual abuse)?"
 Grandpa said yes.
 Me: Do You believe dad was capable of horrendously, repeatedly, raping his kids?
 Grandpa's head was bowed but he quickly answered, Yes.
 My next question was going to be, "where does this stem, come from?" But gramps either recoiled and left or I awoke.
 Must explain what probably seems like an obvious question that needn't have been asked having experienced my dads violence. There are parts of my that personally experienced his crimes and parts of me that are aghast that anyone could do such things to any child, much less their own.  Living with DID.
  I think both my grandparents actively contributed to my dads traumatic childhood.

Sunday, October 26, 2014

Breaking Down Last Week

So Monday..I think I had the 90 minute therapy session. Very emotionally draining. Was that last week? I think so. Processing or recovering from that is anywhere from 2-5 days.
 Tuesday, I had acupuncture. Another healing technique that takes a couple days down.
 Wednesday, I ran errands all morning. My cleaning lady was here. I tried to rest for a couple hours. Seems I had to get Seb picked up from school, so a short rest.  
  Thursday, morning errands and picked up Seb from school and took him to therapy. 
 Friday, I ran to TC, an hour north. Shopped three different places, drove home, greeted boys, ran to grocery store, fixed dinner, worked in art till 1 am. 
 Saturday was the day I couldn't get out of bed. The lyme exhaust hit hard. Foggy head. Felt incoherent. Could barely move.
 Yeah, that was a busy week! No wonder I'm still exhausted!
 

Content in Isolation & Rundown and Recovering

 I continue to feel most secure isolated. I'm too vulnerable and sensitive to risk interaction.
 I ended up with a lyme fatigue reaction for the first time in weeks. Too many activities, not enough rest during the day, too little sleep at night, no sleep-in days, no down time...I was just running and didn't pace myself and take enough breaks. I went full-out until I fell flat on my face. Live and learn.
 Slept so hard yesterday and so fatigued that I couldn't stay awake for more than a few minutes. This afternoon I become more functional though still dragging. 
 I did acupuncture this week which helped me quite a bit but also put a strain on my precarious position, probably helping me stir up more dead lyme to detox. But I left acupuncture smiling, again, and didn't realize it till I got home and my little guy said, "Mom! You're smiling!" Yeah, it's not something that happens often enough, smiling that is. After acupuncture, I always smile. Always have. It's a consistent side effect.
 Haven't been outside cept to run errands. Guess I did go for one walk around the block this week. 
 Geez, the more I write, the more I realize that I did way too much physical activity. It was far far above my norm. Must learn to pace myself. Seems I've forgotten mightily. 
  Lots of dissociation, directly related to the depth of therapeutic work that is currently going on. I have times where I'm quite flighty, morose, deep in thought, unexpectedly emotional...so many emotions lying near the surface, easily triggered. A really good reason to lay low and keep to myself. Protect myself.
  Yikes, I definitely need a plan to slow down and rest more.
 Hmmm, I wasn't sure where this post was going but I'm sure glad I wrote to clarify and see what I need to do. Rest, rest, rest.
I managed to do a photo shoot with my Younglink�� I love this little man!

Friday, October 24, 2014

She was never pretty again...surviving incest...Art

 My first creation of "raw art". Sharing and showing my truth, how incest made me feel...degrading, humiliating...an open wound.