Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Sunday, December 4, 2016

My dad was a complicated man

My dad was many things, different things to different people. I laugh at his obit where it says he was married to "the love of his life." OMG, is that a dysfunctional and cruel use of the term "love."
Anyway, my dad was a good father, at times, to his kids. No doubt, can't deny, he did support, help out and love his children.
He was also a tormented individual that endured a harsh childhood full of physical, sexual and emotional abuse. That was the part of him that I knew best...the angry man that had been deeply hurt and violated, so much so that he felt unable to control his own thoughts and actions. He violated his own children. He beat some of them. He raped others.
I don't fault those that remember him as a good man, because he was. Don't fault me for seeing him in a darker, more putrid light as I was his victim.

Leaving Your Family

It sounds almost criminal to say...but sometimes leaving your family is the healthiest and sanest thing to do.
Growing up, I was taught that my family was everything to me and that I was nothing without them. No one voluntarily leaves their biological group....it's unheard of and reserved for outcasts, addicts and the sick in the heads. I can't think of anyone who willfully dons the title of black sheep.
I was shoved into a corner. Mentally, I couldn't handle my incestuous father sneaking over to my apartment during his lunch hour. I couldn't get my mother in denial to support me in any way, shape or form. I couldn't confide in my siblings, aunts or uncles. Hell, I couldn't find words to explain the emotional torment of being my dad's sex slave for 20 years. I went crazy inside. I left in the middle of the night and turned myself in to a psych hospital 3 hours away. And I didn't tell anyone in my family where I was going.
I left them all.
No, it wasn't easy. I cried on that 3 hour journey over leaving my brothers and sisters, aunts and uncles, and my loving grandma. I simply could not live, deeply embedded within the family of high dysfunction whereby the patriarch raped and sodomized his own children, the mother covered it up and no one was able or willing to help me make the madness stop.
It hurt to leave but it hurt more to be my dad's constant victim.
Leaving your family Is an option. It is a Personal choice that no one can make for you.
I made the right choice for me. There was no way that I could have ever been able to achieve a degree of sanity living within the family that secrets built.
If you are thinking about it, know that it Can be done and it is sometimes the Healthiest option.
I'm living proof.

It's gonna be okay

All she ever wanted

Saturday, December 3, 2016

Ending Relationship

Part of me is sad that Guy, my ex, never got to know the wonderful, caring, intelligent side of me. He never knew the bulk of my history, all the events that make me a really vibrant survivor. He never asked about my dreams, wishes, feats.
What a great loss...for him.
He had one of the kindest, most caring and creative individuals under his roof...and he never got the time to know me, to love all that I am
His loss

Friday, December 2, 2016

I don't like to Wave

I've never liked waving hello, goodbye or even "hey there." My hands, like my feet, would rather stay close to my center.
If there was a line from the tiptop of my head straight down, that would be my centerline and I don't like to stay from it.
Even as I walk, I take measured, smaller steps. Taking a large step would just feel wrong, unnatural and I'd feel vulnerable.
It is my normal not to wave, always has been. I'll do a friendly chin thrust but that's usually as far as I'll go.
It's funny because as a mom I'd wave very little to my older Aspie son, but with my neurotypical little guy I'll routinely wave hello or goodbye because it's required for his emotional wellbeing.
I used to beat myself up for not waving but I've grown more accepting of who Aspie Amy is. I'll wave if I have to but otherwise I'm good!

Making Ends Meet

Well, I had to sell off some of my gold jewelry today. It's not a bad thing. I realized the food stamps were done with one week left of food needed. I did what any decent parent would have done...slot anything to make sure my growing teen had food in the house. It felt like a rite of passage of sorts, giving up something sparkly but useless for something needed and nurturing. I did what needed to be done, plain and simple.
Now, I'm figuring out what other community resources are available in case this happens again. They are out there.
In a fair world, my son would receive child support and I'd get palimony, but Guy the Dick never could treat me as an equal. Support would mean giving up that precious control and acknowledging that all the times I was called partner, I actually was one. Can't have anything that would resemble an unequivocal equal. No, I'll always be something less in his eyes.
I'm learning how to step up and be a good mom. Pretty proud of myself today.