Therapy today. Very, very physically and emotionally challenging. One of my roughest sessions to date. It's been about seven hours...and the realizations, the ramifications have surfaced.
I won't go into detail. Sometimes I worry that a pedophile or unstable abuser will get ideas. I don't need to write it to know that it is absolutely true. It is still a fresh, raw wound.
I'm astounded at the horrendous acts that can be thought up, passed down from generations and perpetrated against children. Horror is the closest word I can find.
I was tortured. There is no other way to put it. I was tormented and threatened. My heart was filled with terror. My throat was silenced in fear. My dad managed to get me alone, put me in an....extremely violent position whereby he could have easily killed me in an instant. I, for awhile, when this took place at seven, firmly believed that he was actually going to kill me this time. It was that painful and precarious a situation. I came so close to death at his hand.
As he tortured me, threatened me, he created a phrase,a code word so that every time he said the word, I would relive and remember his tortured threat. To give you some insight...it probably took me anywhere from 10-20 minutes to actually, verbally break through the wall and say the code word. It had that much power and fear over me. Yeah, try spending even ten minutes saying one single word. There was massive resistance and an outpouring of scattered, deep emotion.
This one "incident" was so severe, that it could have easily put someone in therapy for a year. So damaging and destructive. It will take me awhile to sort it all out. So much terror, pent-up. Figuring out how to let go and process.
No child, much less an innocent animal, should ever, ever have to endure the torture I lived through. I am astounded that I was able to continue to live a quasi-functional life after this incident.
More later.
