Its been an odd day...one of those very rare occasions where I am glad that I had a fever and the little guy was home sick, as well. I didn't have to deal. Some days..it is better to opt out.
Interesting how I can see illness in a somewhat positive light...having value and worth. It allowed me to stay away, hide and continue to find some semblance of emotional stability...because, honey, right now,I ain't got that.
Off and on, throughout the day, for no overt or conscious reason, I found myself leaking, seeping, tearing up, call it what you will. That in and of itself is a rather unusual symptom for me. I am attributing it to overflow from yesterdays drama...remnants of the strong, unexpected and turbid feelings that suddenly and with great fanfare poured forth at court.
It was a good day to sit in a darkened room, shades drawn and play video games with the little man. Definitely not a day to be out in the mainstream and exposed to an unexpected and somewhat chaotic outer world.
I think that I used to be quite jealous of the neuro-typicals and how they always seemed so composed, put together and in charge of their emotions. They, those Nt's, appear so peaceful, orderly and downright happy. Yeah, growing up, I spent a ton of time being insanely jealous but I've outgrown that. I actually enjoy observing these other worlds (as if each person lived in their own little world as I do) and checking out how they mange and navigate, hoping to learn something, maybe. whatever. I like my own little world, because quite frankly, its all I've got. Why waste my breath praying for something that is beyond my reach? Why not just accept that this is where it is at and go from there?
Hating, resenting, and being embarrassed because of what one is..is a huge waste of energy and time. This is who I am and its good enough for me.
So, no, I don't dream of suddenly becoming NT and moving into that domain. Who knows, maybe some are jealous of my fabulous ability to escape reality at the drop of a hat? hahahahahah...just had to get that one off my chest. It could happen.
Emotions and the aspie...oh my...think powder kegs of varying sizes and sticks of dynamite strewn haphazardly throughout a very large room. It pretty much sums it up. For some reason, well, for a couple good reasons..and they know who they are...I'm no longer embarrassed or ashamed of my emotional displays. I control and keep in check what I can and when I can't..well, I can't. It is a challenge to be sure. Emotions don't make me appear weak or subhuman..they just make me..well, me. I've grown weary of making excuses for my actions...I'm done wearing shame or hiding because I am reacting differently. Damn, can't I just be who I am and leave it at that?
Acceptance comes in two forms...Self-acceptance and, for lack of a better term, worldly acceptance, and one needs..really needs to have a firm grasp of both. I feel, overall, that anyone with Aspergers is going to have quite a challenge managing the first and definitely the latter, but it is doable.
In my humble opinion, Aspies need to know how to escape as it is a form of self-preservation. It's not a negative thing by any means, just a coping skill. The Aspie mind is a hideously wondrous place.
I don't know..I've had this very long string of illnesses for a couple months now. I'd like to find a positive to it. Maybe its just so I can recoup and recover. I do want to get..stable enough to get back out there and it will happen. I just need some down time right now. Its entirely possible that seven very emotional months can reek havoc on an immune system...ya think? And I don't know when it will ever abate..calm down and return to anything resembling my normal.
Everyone has ups and downs and various challenges. Its just when mine meander into the emotional realm, well, it seems to take a bit to fully recover. So be it.
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