Now that the endless replaying of the conversations from my three day enterprise have been somewhat dissipated by writing about them and getting them out of my head...things are a bit clearer.
I think I mindlessly or unconsciously play things over and over to understand and comprehend, figure out and pick out what is important and what needs to be remembered and partly, because sometimes they downright amuse me especially new and intriguing stuff.
So I wrote earlier in the day, did some mandatory outing and took a heavy-duty nap. Upon awakening, the conversation tapes had stopped and my latest song/ mantra could finally be heard clearly.
Wow, this past week...hmmm..I can see that it can easily be weeks if not months, before I partition, research and disseminate all the info I learned in a sparse three day event....I kid thee not.
I never felt overwhelmed at the event and I certainly do not now...I just see so very much.
The first and oft most challenging part about writing about Aspergers is figuring out what makes me different from NTS. And if you live within your own walls, if you venture outside of your own home maybe once or twice a day, sometimes...if you get together with a group of people for a social function, funeral, wedding, meeting, get together less than once every six months...One is a serious isolationist and it is really hard to see outside ones own skin.
I have found that words mean one thing to me, usually the literal, dictionary version, yet, these same identical words in the NT world, have ten different degrees of meaning. Thus when I say I lived alone, I mean truly A LONE....but others didn't get that...most people have independent and then group generalizations of a word..and its usually quite different than mine.
I'll have to slowly get into the emotional content that has been recently revealed, as some of it seems rather volcanic in nature.
The biggest and most prevalent emotion being one of anger, frustration and resentment. I am downright pissed off that I have been using all the right words in trying to express myself and no one was able to comprehend them. I have felt like such a fuck-up and an awesome village idiot for naught. More on that later.
And yes, I have a sense of humor and yes, I can lie and yes, I have great depth of caring and empathy and all those other pissy little, stupid-ass aspergian myths and generalizations that are paraded around as the only way to tell an aspie from a hole in the ground.
Okay...down boy, down, and I have decided to move off my little island and onto the mainland. Granted I actually do carry a ten foot stick that looks more like one of those lances carried by the knights in medieval times and it is pretty with its white color and red winding stripe and it is retractable and flexible but I do carry it because this is a new and wary place to be. Currently, I am pacing the perimeter watching for unfriendlies and establishing my new boundaries.
There is tons more stuff on the way as energy and time permit....take care
(Holy Shit, Batman, I found a jousting lance exactly as I pictured it...its those little things in life that delight me so)
