Self-Restraint, Self Control and Aspergers

I didn't realize it, till last week, but I wake up in morning and put on two straitjackets. No, make that one straitjacket and a muzzle.
From the get-go, I start monitoring and censuring my verbalizations and my erratic, unpredictable body movements. One would think and ponder why I would need to do this not only on the outside of my home amongst peoples, but also, most definitely within my own secure environment.

The first answer that springs to mind, I have kids. And kids mimic parents. If mom screams at spiders and dad throws chairs you will probably have a child who turns in to an adult who screams and throws chairs. Look it up. It happens...common knowledge.
So, I didn't want my boys to "pick up" and imitate mommy and her ticky little dances and talking off the top of her head to herself. It just seemed very prudential, practical, necessary.
Thus I have lived in a state of perpetual self-restraint and self-censorship. And it has pretty much felt like a cage with shades and blinds. I mean, how can i be happy and comfortable with who I am if i am so afraid to show my true self? Really?
Another factor would be..hmmm, a bit tougher here...I..don't want to embarrass myself..to my self. I know what looks stupid and mental and I didn't want to see my self behaving in ...hmmm, autistic, spastic ways. Yeah, I didn't want to embarrass myself.
How can one like oneself when the majority of existence is spent hiding and covering the mirrors?
So, at home, my haven of safe, I was anything but free.
The whole going out in public, everyone can understand relatively easy with half a brain. Public embarrassment, saying and blurting out the wrong things, ticky dances are simply not acceptable behaviors..I get that.

Funny thing happened last week...you may have heard about it:)
I went to an autism conference and from my own judgement the vast majority of peoples at this whole hotel were educators and peoples familiar with Aspergers and Autism. And I felt really, really free.
I mean, where else could I have left the straitjacket and muzzle at home and gone skipping down the hallways when I felt like it? Where else would I have felt comfortable, pilfering party favors, asking strangers for strange things and not feel at all self-conscious? Where else could I have asked complete strangers if I could touch their pretty shiny things? (See previous post on Magpie Syndrome..yeah, I am still stuck there. I don't get out much and there were Lots and Lots of pretty shinies :)
I know of no other location where I could freely and out loud be Aspie. And I graciously and with humbled pride easily announced it to everyone I met. Never before, cupcake, never before. I found it incredibly freeing and liberating.
I have been known to laugh out loud, not often and it highly depends on the company and amount of alcohol I have ingested, but it can happen. However, I have never (except with my Partner) rip-roared laughed and chuckled, oh chortled (dic: to make or utter with a gleeful chuckling or snorting sound) in the presence of any one else ever. Omg, it was a riot. I just let it all hang out...I kid you not. And even more astounding, I wasn't embarrassed.

Man, I really let myself go and I saw myself in brand new ways. And I didn't realize how much energy and effort I was putting into self-restraining every word and motion from the moment i got up in the morning until 2am when I went to bed at night.
You see, even home alone, I felt ashamed which is even a more appropriate term than embarrassed as it implies a certain degree of shame and self-loathing. In a strong way, I was denying who I truly was...my Aspergers, my Autism. I have been so self-conscious and hidden, even to me. There were just so many barriers, layer after layer of them that I had been incorporating over the many years.
But then, I got to experience who i really am...and Honey there ain't any going back.
I refuse to go back into the dark, in the recesses of the closet, back into that cage-like, muffled existence. I refuse to be ashamed or embarrassed at that which God made in such perfection. I simply will hide no more, especially from myself. I am allll good. I am Aspie

They Missed Me...Being Away From Home

I just returned from my very first "adventure" of leaving home without/ sans me familia. That would be about 18 years or so.
There was an autism conference, a couple of hundred miles away, and for some serendipitous reason, I found myself invited. I entertained this idea and it really would never have gotten more than a passing, quickly dispersed idle thought except there were a number of variables that allowed me to consider and dwell on this.
A) I was quite familiar and comfortable with the peoples that I would be traveling and rooming with. I trust so very few peoples but these two..well, I actually fully and completely trust. Did I mention that they are autism experts? So, yeah, they get me and I don't have to implement the plethora of stressful strategies and try and pull off looking NT. Ok, thats a huge plus.
B) The subject matter was quite intriguing. Having scoured the internet and various sites and books, I thought that there might be a few things that I did not know...things that had the potential to enlighten me..so, thats good, as well, as I am forever on the enlightenment quest.
C) Curiosity..I had never been to a conference and was quite curious as to what that whole thingy was about. Yes, people had relayed the particulars but I fail to fully understand..hmmm, most things, unless I personally experience them, first-hand.
D) I needed an adventure..something that would take me out of this rut of perpetual thinking about the ..somewhat sad and self-pitious thinking given my current state of surreal reality. I rarely travel and hadn't been more than one hour out of town in over 8 months. One odd thing that this alien with agoraphobic, topographic agnosia has is sporadic, intense longings to see and experience different sights, places and brand new experiences.
So, more on the conference later.
Lots of new and unique features for this Aspie...I was never afraid..I always felt perfectly safe. I did not crave and long to be home. I knew that I would get home safely without any question or worry. The house would still be standing and everyone and everything I loved and liked would still be there.
The toughest part was dealing with the preanticipatory anxiety...the preparation, the ride down, the first "greeting" of the room and finding out that it smelled fine, wasn't poisonous(long story, previous bad experience). And the heater and airconditoner unit actually worked appropriate so I could easily maintain a comfort level there. The water Did smell like sulfuric sewer water so I patted myself on the back for doing my strange ritual of bringing my own palatable, home-grown drinking water. It was actually a necessity.
Anyway, I have to somehow, get back on this singular topic...So...
When I returned home, I guess I never really thought about what to expect in the way of greetings or feelings of Partner and Younglink at my return. remember, Younglink had never been away from me for almost three days and the same goes for Partner. So, I had no real lines of thought regarding this..I just walked in the door and experienced all this new stuff.
First off, it was wonderful to see Partner and I got a huge, warm welcome home hug. It surprised me in how good and comforting that felt. She actually missed me. And the thing that struck me the most, throughout the evening as she asked about my itinerary, was that...she was genuinely deeply concerned, in my absence, with whether or not I was doing okay. I rarely see her worried or concerned that deeply and I was very much surprised and touched that she had that much feeling and emotion. Pretty damn cool.
Younglink...now that was also quite a surprise. His voice was lowered, respectful, almost like he thought I was mad at him and that is why I left. He was very affectionate, very, overly polite and soft-spoken and from the moment I sat down he was glued to my lap and actively engaging me in conversations of a reassuring nature. Yeah, his voice...so very, very different, almost reverent with a slight concern of "do you still love me?" hinting around the edges. I felt bad that the thought of buying him a gift on the trip never once entered my very absorbed mind but luckily, I had chocolate and another little noisemaker party favor from the conference to give him. Yeah, I had no clue and could kick myself for that one...live and learn.
The dog, Shadow, omg, did he miss me and put on this huge happy dance, come pet me and love me because I missed you and have been seriously neglected kindof thing. Kato, the cat..technically my cat because I took his sorry little pleading ass in, also greeted me.
So, yeah, coming home, a brand new experience, was really very cool! I love my family!

Emotions, Jealousy, Acceptance..Remnants of the Day

Its been an odd day...one of those very rare occasions where I am glad that I had a fever and the little guy was home sick, as well. I didn't have to deal. Some days..it is better to opt out.
Interesting how I can see illness in a somewhat positive light...having value and worth. It allowed me to stay away, hide and continue to find some semblance of emotional stability...because, honey, right now,I ain't got that.
Off and on, throughout the day, for no overt or conscious reason, I found myself leaking, seeping, tearing up, call it what you will. That in and of itself is a rather unusual symptom for me. I am attributing it to overflow from yesterdays drama...remnants of the strong, unexpected and turbid feelings that suddenly and with great fanfare poured forth at court.
It was a good day to sit in a darkened room, shades drawn and play video games with the little man. Definitely not a day to be out in the mainstream and exposed to an unexpected and somewhat chaotic outer world.
I think that I used to be quite jealous of the neuro-typicals and how they always seemed so composed, put together and in charge of their emotions. They, those Nt's, appear so peaceful, orderly and downright happy. Yeah, growing up, I spent a ton of time being insanely jealous but I've outgrown that. I actually enjoy observing these other worlds (as if each person lived in their own little world as I do) and checking out how they mange and navigate, hoping to learn something, maybe. whatever. I like my own little world, because quite frankly, its all I've got. Why waste my breath praying for something that is beyond my reach? Why not just accept that this is where it is at and go from there?
Hating, resenting, and being embarrassed because of what one is..is a huge waste of energy and time. This is who I am and its good enough for me.
So, no, I don't dream of suddenly becoming NT and moving into that domain. Who knows, maybe some are jealous of my fabulous ability to escape reality at the drop of a hat? hahahahahah...just had to get that one off my chest. It could happen.

Emotions and the aspie...oh my...think powder kegs of varying sizes and sticks of dynamite strewn haphazardly throughout a very large room. It pretty much sums it up. For some reason, well, for a couple good reasons..and they know who they are...I'm no longer embarrassed or ashamed of my emotional displays. I control and keep in check what I can and when I can't..well, I can't. It is a challenge to be sure. Emotions don't make me appear weak or subhuman..they just make me..well, me. I've grown weary of making excuses for my actions...I'm done wearing shame or hiding because I am reacting differently. Damn, can't I just be who I am and leave it at that?
Acceptance comes in two forms...Self-acceptance and, for lack of a better term, worldly acceptance, and one needs..really needs to have a firm grasp of both. I feel, overall, that anyone with Aspergers is going to have quite a challenge managing the first and definitely the latter, but it is doable.

In my humble opinion, Aspies need to know how to escape as it is a form of self-preservation. It's not a negative thing by any means, just a coping skill. The Aspie mind is a hideously wondrous place.

I don't know..I've had this very long string of illnesses for a couple months now. I'd like to find a positive to it. Maybe its just so I can recoup and recover. I do want to get..stable enough to get back out there and it will happen. I just need some down time right now. Its entirely possible that seven very emotional months can reek havoc on an immune system...ya think? And I don't know when it will ever abate..calm down and return to anything resembling my normal.
Everyone has ups and downs and various challenges. Its just when mine meander into the emotional realm, well, it seems to take a bit to fully recover. So be it.

Positive Characteristic of Aspergers...plagerized from the net

In scouring the internet for info for my next post...I happened to come across the following information. Too often we focus on the challenges of having Aspergers. Let's look at the positives:

A. A qualitative advantage in social interaction, as manifested by a majority of the following:
1. peer relationships characterized by absolute loyalty and impeccable dependability
2. free of sexist, "age-ist", or culturalist biases; ability to regard others at "face value"
3. speaking one’s mind irrespective of social context or adherence to personal beliefs
4. ability to pursue personal theory or perspective despite conflicting evidence
5. seeking an audience or friends capable of: enthusiasm for unique interests and topics;
6. consideration of details; spending time discussing a topic that may not be of primary interest
7. listening without continual judgement or assumption
8. interested primarily in significant contributions to conversation; preferring to avoid ‘ritualistic small talk’ or socially trivial statements and superficial conversation.
9. seeking sincere, positive, genuine friends with an unassuming sense of humour

B. Fluent in "Aspergerese", a social language characterized by at least three of the following:

1. a determination to seek the truth
2. conversation free of hidden meaning or agenda
3. advanced vocabulary and interest in words
4. fascination with word-based humour, such as puns
5. advanced use of pictorial metaphor

C. Cognitive skills characterized by at least four of the following:

1. strong preference for detail over gestalt
2. original, often unique perspective in problem solving
3. exceptional memory and/or recall of details often forgotten or disregarded by others, for example: names, dates, schedules, routines
4. avid perseverance in gathering and cataloguing information on a topic of interest
5. persistence of thought
6. encyclopedic or ‘CD ROM’ knowledge of one or more topics
7. knowledge of routines and a focused desire to maintain order and accuracy
8. clarity of values

D. Additional possible features:
1.acute sensitivity to specific sensory experiences and stimuli, for example: hearing, touch, vision, and/or smell
2. strength in individual sports and games, particularly those involving
3. endurance or visual accuracy, including rowing, swimming, bowling, chess
4. “social unsung hero” with trusting optimism: frequent victim of social
5. weaknesses of others, while steadfast in the belief of the possibility of genuine friendship
6. increased probability over general population of attending university after high school
7. often take care of others outside the range of typical development

Now, on to my original thought/ post.....