I have never really been comfortable saying that I am Autistic. For some reason, in my head, I have Only had Aspegers and "mild autism". Autism denotes Rainman and Aspergers is Bill Gates and Einstein. I didn't want to be in the former group.
So, I went to this conference a couple weeks ago...you may have heard about it. Anyway, it kindof slowly dawned on me that, yes, I am autistic. And, if you have noticed, a number of my posts now group both together both words Autism, Aspergers. Its a not-so-subtle attempt to wrap my brain around the moniker.
I used to think, that I had "sporadic" or "intermittent" autism in that I only really considered my self an Aussie when I got emotional and lost control of what my body was doing or had serious verbal issues.
Yeah, having lived with my...unique way of thinking and doing things, I just considered myself to be an oddball, eccentric and a wee bit strange with some comorbid PTSD, anxiety and phobias. Okay, so the comorbidities are Part of my Autism...I get it, now. And Aspergers is one part of the multi-faceted autism spectrum which covers a very wide range.
I cannot have Aspergers without being autistic. Starting to get it.
In many ways, if I were to dwell and look back, behind me at the past...I actually feel...better about having the autistic label then the mental illness, schizo disorder, manic-depressive, and other mental illnesses that I have worn, periodically, throughout my years.
Autism somehow, implies that I am okay just the way I am. I am no longer "damaged goods" or worse yet, someone who is acting out in erratic and uncontrolled ways in an attention seeking ploy and faking and pretending.
Man, I have been sooo hard on myself. Attribute it to my intelligence and strong logic, but I could find no "sane" reason as to why my emotions, my verbalizing and my body movements were sporadically completely out-of-my-control. It made no logical sense and I thought I had some strange and warped subconscious thinking going on that was causing me to "act out". Seriously, I beat myself up unrelentingly and vehemently for my autistic behaviors and mannerisms, because I did not know I was autistic. I cannot impress enough how deeply troubling and extremely frustrating it is to be aware of ones own words (or lack thereof), emotions and physical body completely run amok and have absolutely no control..whatsoever of ones own actions. To say it is truly agonizingly frustrating is a severe understatement and I would wish such a malady upon not my worst enemy.
I will say it again because I operate and understand logic...I felt like such a malcontent, mental defective, idiotic, seriously needy and way warped ogre due to the outward expression of myself and how I presented myself to the outside world. I could rationalize my behavior by most simply, looking at my parents and there extremely odd ways. And, yeah, I did not see my father as autistic either only as one severly depraraved individual with anger issues. So, actually, this news of my autism and aspergers is quite liberating. Yet another self-loathing behavior neutralized...another wall fall down, one more big stick to put back in the closet...or better yet, to burn never to be raised again.
I'm really not as bad of a person as I thought. Going to the conference and seeing people interested and totally accepting of autism definitely had an effect on this aspie.
In a strange way...in a very strange way...having the label of "autistic" makes me sooo much more normal. and I can like who I am even more
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