Learning to accept a kindness

I don't know if accepting and receiving a kindness, hand up or love comes naturally or not. Logic tells me that it is probably a necessary survival skill. But I heartily refused. I really haven't known how to accept and receive. See, in my dysfunctional family, and maybe with my autism, I learned that a kindness, in word or deed, was nothing more than an open and holding a small sharp knife.

If someone was nice to me, they wanted something. If there was a compliment, well, they only said that because they wanted one back or it was said to trick me. I had not a lot of trust or faith in those people's around me. I'm not being paranoid as I had ample examples and dozens of experiences to prove my distrust.

Hmm, so I never learned or found the mechanism that says, " I am being nice to you because you are a nice person, and I like you". I rarely found anyone genuine, who wanted to give to me, that didn't want something back. Scoundrels!

Now, in my forties, I am trying to learn this new thingy called accepting and receiving. Methinks my soul tells me that I was born into a world aflush with an abundance of love, kindness, energy and prosperity.

Hard to silence the mistrust, the experiences, the sinisters I mingles with for so long. It's difficult to change that visual of the open and concealing a weapon. Changing this old, deeply ingrained thought pattern is quite the challenge, I kid you not.

I believe life actually has some positives that it freely gives. I will e exploring this further.