Sinking Ships, friendships, relationships

If time and repitition are any indication, I sink ships, friend ships, relation ships, by opening my mouth and pouring forth truth. Things are very...different in my aspieworld, but I will surely tell you how I feel when need be. I don't believe in lies, half truths or sins of omission, which I believe are overly used and practiced in the outside. People grow up believing in hiding and holding everything in.

Well, I surely don't. But people frequently, can't handle what I say. My words, like my emotions, like who I am, are intense and highly charged.

I don't even know why I'm writing this...not sure where I am as of late. Shivering in a cloud of worry, senseless, unable to decide whether to walk in to the flames, ignore the heat or put it out.

Sometimes there is no such thing as free will. Times I think it would be most ideal to live alone, completely unplugged and disconnected.

Sometimes truth Is sad....she says as she realizes her recent happy respite was not reality and just a a small ray of sunshine in the ever present storm.

God sometimes I hate this life, this corner that I live in. I hate the feeling of being a child standing in times square during rush hour. Hate the lostness, out of place, invisible singularity feeling where to speak up would hurt someone else whilst I drown with the stone life jacket wrapped tightly round my neck.

Hate the return on anxiety, that little beastie that has completely disappeared only to return a small, constantly roaring lion cub that has grown in size, strength and ferocity right before my very eyes.the never ending growling of snake like shivers and quavers of fear and uncertainty. My temple of peace, she be shaking and I, I stand, hands in pocket, eyes cast downward....unable to decide...what to do. Been here before, hated it then also.

I got lost again. I strayed from the plateau, the pleasant valley...not sure when or if I can ever find my way back there.