I am bothered that I spend so much time living in fear of the shadows of my past. I'm a grown, middle aged woman, who carries a primal fear that someone is going to haul off and smack me for no reason whatsoever.
It happened with great frequency as a kid, so much so that the fear is rather entrenched, automatic and unconscious. Even people that I know who would never strike me, family members, close friends...some days I'm most illogical afraid they will hit me.
It's maddening because logically I Know that the people around me don't even think of doing that. I haven't been hit in over 30 years but I continue the hypervigilance and constant state of alert. I talked with a couple friends. One can fall asleep in public places and the other can wear earphones without concern. Me, I don't dare to fall asleep on planes, trains or buses. I always need to be aware of my surroundings especially if someone draws near. What if I feel asleep and someone just tapped me on the shoulder? Would I awaken and punch them? Scream in fright? I don't know and it's a chance I won't take.
I can wear earphones but I need to be able to hear footsteps so my music is of low volume.
I live in semi perpetual fear that someone may sneak up on me, touch me and hurt me. That's part of living PTSD.
I'm not sure this pattern can be changed...I'd like to think so. Not sure how realistic it is. I can always hope. Picture living with a beaten, small child always at your side, constantly scared. That's me and my PTSD. Abused child don't escape their past..you just find the best way to deal.
Good night my friends.
May your day be pleasant and bright.
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