It isn't easy but the chasm of inertia and paltry nothingness combined with the need to have some form of external communication with the world has forced my hand. I mess up when talking to people so the blog is a fair, non judgemental listener. Yeah, now I remember why I get those monthly disability checks, when I struggle to get out of bed for the simplest of things. Long sentences. I hope they convey a message.
I stop indoors as interacting makes me feel as if I sound inept. My decision making skills are compromised so it's best not to do too much, lest I make mistakes to feel really bad about. I wish I had a friend but I've exhausted those possibilities. If talking is so stressful and difficult, it's hard to make and keep friends as they demand, not demand but require regular contact and communication.
Did I mention I love my puppy? She sticks with me through thick and thin and doesn't mind sleeping in lots.
The loneliness feels like isolation behind a curtain of black and I'm sitting in the dark, holding out my hand through the curtain not wanting to see all the people passing by and the old familiar feeling of rejection but again...it's impossible to connect in the real world right now.
Time either moves slowly, erratically or jumps from one hour to the next with little fanfare. I question my worth, lying on the couch all day, yet I have not the inclination to even get up and change this present. Maybe I'm depressed, I don't know, or simply overwhelmed by working to mentally process that truck load of shit dropped at my door on Monday.
And new revelations I cannot share here that are neither good nor bad but new and mind consuming.
My therapist done good, just wish I knew more about this strange sitting person I see every week. Don't know why I am bothered that I know nothing about her as she has been a trusted ally for a spell.
I did go for a brief walk after dark. It seemed safe and comforting amidst the slightly glowing darkness with only the moon for light.
Seems like there is so much to sort through that it's physically draining. I'm eating some and trying to keep my fluid intake up but I don't feel much of anything and nada tastes good.
I'm tired. Going to bed. Wasn't a bad day just was.
