I no longer feel like I'm living a life of quiet desperation and dying a little inside each day as my soul writhes and gives, gives in order for the roof to stay over the head and food on the table.
Ah, the love stopped about ten years ago when she could no longer hold my head under the water. Silly, ridiculous even...the things we identify as "love". An agreement gone astray when the table tilted and the pieces became more evenly distributed.
Oh, I can admit it now, with great reluctance, how much it hurt to realize that I was nothing more than a possession who, like a dog, deserved nothing more than a bed in the family room. There was no equality as that would have and did upset the "balance" of power...lol, yeah, me 10%, her 90%. I allowed myself to be treated as I felt worthy, unworthy. Kinda like being owned but that's just how it felt.
A farce, a lie, a grimace and silent whine...I was all that and then some. Funny, never would I ever have become an equal because the relationship was built on the inequality, the my willingness to continue the role I had always ever played. The relationship never could have survived..healthy, for it was built on askew.
I think I'm just happy because I no longer have to hand over my power, play the complacent second, and put myself down in order to have a roof over my head.
I no longer have to endure childish stare downs, temper tantrums or begging to get what I need. No more pretending that it's okay to be lied to and spied on. No more looking the other way as the buying spree continues to sink, sink, sink further and deeper with no insight or relief insight. I want what I want when I want it...is the cry of three year olds not grown adults who know what a budget is and ignore any hint of self-restraint.
When we don't get enough love from the right people, we try and compensate by loving things...and it doesn't help. Still empty inside yet with bigger debt.
I'm lucky I got out. I'm not that person anymore. I won't allow myself such injustice any, any more.
