It's been a few days since my sleep mess ran out. I'm still sleeping most of the night, probably due to the ongoing feverishness. Last night, for the first time in many moons, I had a dream..not just one dream, more like a dozen or so. I didn't realize how much I missed dreaming. It's as if I have a choice, take meds and sleep through the night in a dense, dreamless, relaxing state or revert back to my innate nature, stay awake till 2 or 3 am and experience intermittent, often profound and insightful dreams. I must admit it felt wonderful to dream. I didn't realize how much I had missed it and the importance it plays in me understanding what is going on beneath my surface. Once again, I've thought that something was negative, no meds, yet it's turned or rather shown it's positive side.
I dreamt of being with my sister and she presented me with a gift. I tearfully told her "I just wanted you to believe me", implying that I had no intent of disrupting or causes hardship in anyone else's life.
It just goes to show how very miniscule my bio family knew/ knows me...to think that I would consciously wish hardship or distress on anyone, much less someone I once loved deeply for years, my siblings.
Another dream was of being a very distraught young child and having two other kids come over to me and push me down on purpose. For years, I simply assumed that if anyone saw me standing they would want to push me down, inflict harm because I was nothing more than a target. Look at the years, how often I fit neatly into that role.
Ah, I'll have to start keeping a notebook by my bed again, now that I have a bed in my own bedroom. That's still pretty awesome. I smile when I think about it. I'm happy every night. Why didn't I have a bed all those years and was relegated to living on a couch? You know, it simply stymies me that I was that much of a nothing.
Moving on...Little Guy and I spent the weekend at home watching movies, football and playing with Legos. We did have great fun! I made a Lego box for my little spider plant. Little Guy, LG, created a complex innovative Lego game that we will play once it's fully developed.
I am so proud of myself for my first successful month on food stamps. I planned and spent well! My fridge and cupboard are near empty again, which is,a tremendous sign of progress for two reasons. One, all my life I have panicked whenever the shelves weren't packed or the fridge was looking low, no more. I've gotten over, somehow, my fear of starving again. My childhood was spent hungry, that's the only way to say it. It was all I knew and I sure as hell didn't like it. And it haunted me. I guess I'll have to "blame" this positive breakthrough on therapist, again. I have no anxiety if supplies are low.
Two would be that I'm not wasting food anymore by letting it go bad or forgetting leftovers. I claim that as another huge positive. It also kinda means that I'm conscientious about what I'm buying and selective. I'm making great choices!!!
I hope to be completely over this flu any day now. Appointments to attend And to reschedule.
Time to head to my bed😪😀. Still a little sick but it has been a great day.
Be well
Stay well
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