Surviving a 20 year scam

It's like waking up one morning, and the person you loved and all the words she had said, were all lies. I'd been living a 20 year scam. Forgive my shock and surprise that a human being, er not, could conscientiously take advantage and abuse another human being whom she knew had already spent 20 years of her life being lied to and abused. Who does that? Who can live with themselves knowing they are revictimizing and manipulating an already heavily  damaged person? Seriously?
I recently figured this out...that I'd been living one big lie perpetrated by someone I exclusively trusted and believed in. And she has zero, absolutely zero remorse and I'm sure she'll try and blame it all on me and try and play the victim herself.
See, this is what's wrong with the world...evil lurks behind pretty faces and prettier words. The cruel take advantage of the wounded. And no one is accountable for their egregious sins.
And I continue to believe there is good out there. Even having been abused, my first 20 years and my last 20 years. 40 out of 53. And I'm still here and spouting the truth and standing and writing cautionary tales. It's time for nothing but flagrant good. I pity so many...just not myself.

I managed to escape...hindsight

As I drove those four days in August, away from Michigan and toward the unknown West Coast, I felt as if I was escaping...something..dreaded and dark. I thought that maybe it was my early years or the dysfunctional family...but it wasn't. I was managing to escape from a cruel, selfish, toxic, damaging and degrading relationship that had ensnared me for over a decade.
It's funny how little you can see in the present. Things become so much clearer at a distance. You could be standing right next to a monster and not know it.
The farther away I am from sick people, the healthier I become. At least I've learned some of the signs, the red flags that mean "poison, don't touch, keep away." Lies, bold, flagrant lies that are told without any feeling or remorse. And they believe the lies and justify them. Sick, right? No apologies, ever, because nothing is ever their fault. Yes, in a lot of ways it was like living with a temperamental 3 year old who was forever throwing fits if the focus and attention wasn't 100% on her. Completely lacking in empathy and emotion. Ah, so many signs but those are the biggest.
I'm not afraid of getting involved...quite the opposite. I look forward to meeting new friends, falling in love, because I understand what Isn't love now. I believe there are more good people than bad and I've met enough bad to fill out my lifetime. It's time for all the good that I've been missing.
I pity those trapped in their own agony and self-hatred, but I don't have to sup with them. They make their choices to be cruel, to lie. My choice is to stay as far away from sick as possible.

Life after the Narcissist

I'm learning more and more about life with a narcissist. I mean, it's just plain mean and cruel for a Narc to prey on the emotionally vulnerable or already-been-damaged. It's like adding insult to injury.
Nothing like feeling you've found the perfect spouse only to be ensnared in a trap that slowly eats you away and erodes any positives you've worked hard for.
It truly was a vicious trap made to look like a caring, rescue mission.
It feels good to know that that was not love or anything resembling it. I have faith that there are good, healthy, caring people out there now that I realize the last twenty years were manipulation, lies and mental defect.
I'm happy to be moving on. Glad to be learning how to deal with these destructive Narcs. Learning how to recognize all the warning signs.
She never loved me, not once. She never put anyone's needs above her own, not once. She will continue to try and control and manipulate because it's been working for her.
Yeah, my current need for therapy doesn't revolve around years of childhood sexual abuse, rather, I need therapy to unravel the sick twistedness, of a most unhealthy and toxic relationship. Narcissist are the lowest of the low. Seriously...how can they  live with themselves without a conscious, without empathy, without the ability to love anyone other than themselves?

Life after the Narcissist

I'm learning more and more about life with a narcissist. I mean, it's just plain mean and cruel for a Narc to prey on the emotionally vulnerable or already-been-damaged. It's like adding insult to injury.
Nothing like feeling you've found the perfect spouse only to be ensnared in a trap that slowly eats you away and erodes any positives you've worked hard for.
It truly was a vicious trap made to look like a caring, rescue mission.
It feels good to know that that was not love or anything resembling it. I have faith that there are good, healthy, caring people out there now that I realize the last twenty years were manipulation, lies and mental defect.
I'm happy to be moving on. Glad to be learning how to deal with these destructive Narcs. Learning how to recognize all the warning signs.
She never loved me, not once. She never put anyone's needs above her own, not once. She will continue to try and control and manipulate because it's been working for her.
Yeah, my current need for therapy doesn't revolve around years of childhood sexual abuse, rather, I need therapy to unravel the sick twistedness, of a most unhealthy and toxic relationship. Narcissist are the lowest of the low. Seriously...how can they  live with themselves without a conscious, without empathy, without the ability to love anyone other than themselves?

It's weird having a friend..

It's been so long since I've had someone to talk to who listens, asks questions, offers advice, cares and considers my needs and feelings. I spent yesterday with my new girlfriend, M, and we shared quite a bit about our last relationship, custody and all.
It's complicated...I mean, I hardly know M and it sounds like she sincerely wants the best for me. Can that be true or possible? That's one aspect.
Another line of thinking is that...well, it's feeling embarrassing when I relate how I allowed my ex to treat me so badly. I feel stupid, like a chump, and it certainly doesn't feel good. I put myself down because I should have seen all the emotionally abusive, narcissistic, bullying signs long before 18 years into the relationship. I can only imagine ex thinking along the lines of "you can't respect someone who is kissing your ass" as I was forever puckering up. I never received respect. People that caught up in their own twisted selfishness don't give any consideration to anyone other than themselves.
M thought I should've filed for divorce, support and child support. I laughed. A decent ex would have done that without the court system. I continue to have a low opinion of myself and what I'm entitled to, what I deserve and what is fairness anyway? I need to address this with my therapist soon. I'm not at all sure my son should be spending time with someone who so easily abuses and uses people. I have an appointment with my son's therapist next week and one of the items I want to discuss is, how healthy is it for a young, impressionable teen to spend three months with someone that emotionally cruel and unhealthy? I really like his therapist and trust her to help me make the right decision for my kid.
It's quite wonderful having a friend. I continue to become more social.

I met a beautiful woman

My very first date turned out exceptionally well. What started out as a "meet & greet" coffee turned into a five-hour thrift shopping, dinner date, ending only due to family obligations on both our parts.
She is a beautiful blue-eyed, naturally curly haired woman, with dare I say, trying not to sound superficial, a rockin' hot bod. We had oodles of things in common from our taste in jewelry, food, books, hobbies, passions to world views and values.
My voice never tired. I didn't feel one ounce of stress. I approached her without walls and with the attitude "be myself." Likewise, M carries no walls, no sharp edges, rather she had warm open arms, a listening ear and a delightful, mischievous smile. She is full of life, happiness, curiosity and adventure.
It's the first conversation that I have had with anyone, since moving here, that lasted for more than an hour or two. And I want more.
It's the first time someone's looked in my eyes, and I in theirs, and it was comfortable and highly pleasant. She actually liked and accepted me exactly as I am...and that is a rare gift that should be a given, I know.
I felt validated, valued, wanted, heard and happy.
She talks more than me which is just perfect. Her topics of conversation were items that interested me, 100%. Our backgrounds had striking similarities, as well. We are quite a pair.
I'm very much looking forward to being with her again and listening, talking, sharing and just feeling good about myself, as I did our first date. She's an awesome woman with a smokin' hot bod...sorry, just can't stop sayin'
Life is very, very good

What To Expect Moving to Oregon, Things they don't tell you

There are two major issues about moving to Oregon that throw this Multiple Autistic for a loop.
One is that homeless people are everywhere; sleeping on park picnic tables, examining cracks in sidewalks, rooting through dumpsters and holding signs in front of stores and businesses. I never know what to expect as I pass a "sign flyer", the polite name for beggars. Most of the time they say nothing but you never know when a complete stranger will ask you for spare change, "anything will help." It's unnerving for me, as their behavior is completely unpredictable. I avoid popular begging spots whenever possible.
You will see tents under bridges, in the woods, alongside streams and within busy parks. Expect to pass downtrodden people as you walk anywhere downtown. Don't be surprised to see people pushing shopping carts full of all their earthly possessions.
One of the oddest things is that a substantial percentage of homeless have dogs, personal pets. I even saw one young man walking along the highway with a large macaw parrot on his shoulder.
I'd never seen such sights, hailing from a small, northern Michigan city of 7,000.
The other big unexpected, which sends this autistic running out the door, is the large volume of service dogs that can be found in stores...all types of stores, any stores. I recently turned a corner at a favorite thrift store, only to find a large Doberman taking up half the aisle. Did I mention he was Big? It was quite clear that his owner had a disability, thus the dog was perfectly legal, yet...it frightened me. Maybe it's because dogs in shops are outside my scope of what to normally expect inside buildings. Maybe it's because the dog was huge. All I know is that I felt scared, shaken and unsettled. I left immediately to eliminate the risk of turning a corner and coming face-to-face with it again.
Expect to see dogs of all sizes, shapes and temperaments at local shopping places.
I'm still glad I moved. Overall, Oregon is a Great place to live. Just wanted to throw out a warning for the few things that I have yet to get used to.
Just sayin'

Figured Out

So that's why I've felt so bitter and angry about the relationship...I loved him and discovered that the love he was saying didn't mimic his actions. On some level, I was lied to and found unlovable.
It's easier to be angry than to admit how hurt it feels. I loved...I lost

Wish I could find some closure

I'd love to be able to let go of my last relationship. Wish I could find some closure instead of resentment. Sure, I get that a narcissist is never wrong and rarely has the ability to change. I know an apology is out of the question as Guy never did anything wrong. It's like a beast with an insatiable appetite that never knows when it's full and time to leave the table.
I wish there was...a sign..that I was actually a valid part of that relationship...that I meant something more than being a warm body helping to heat a room by my presence. G-d, I still feel like I was a nobody, just a robot wound up everyday to do my masters bidding.
Were their good parts, absolutely. Wish I could remember them, in those early years instead of harping on the ten years I was the being on the couch whose only function was to serve.
It's wounding not being treated as an equal in a relationship with so many strange words like "partner" and "love" being thrown around..and I bought them all, hook, line and lead sinker. It leaves an odiferous stench. The negatives weigh heavier than the positives.
The controlling...manipuative, undermining my fragile sense of esteem. I feel so belittled, negated and used.
I just want closure.
Do I figure, absolutely. It just feels unfinished, tarnished, like I'm continuing to be stepped on without any acknowledgement that I ever mattered. The tight reins of control continue to tighten and vex.
I was nothing to Guy. So foolish that I was deceived and saw only his good for years on end. Defending, supporting...and for what? To my own detriment. I didn't treat him as a god, I just believed every word he said and believed that he was acting in my best interest and cared deeply for me.
Maybe that's it...don't want to admit it...but Guy broke my heart. I believed him. I so wanted to beieve every word he said and I took them all to heart. Didn't want to admit it...don't like it when I allow myself to be wounded by trusting so. Hate being foolish. I deeply loved him, believed him, trusted...I was the fool...believing in a pipe dream. Trusting the smokescreen. I really wanted to believe that he loved me. I willingly wore a blindfold to be "loved".
Don't like the egg on my face.
So many mixed emotions. I really loved him. Damn me. Fool. Again.
Trust. I trusted him completely, erroneously, blindly and most foolishly.
He was my religion and, for awhile, my everything.
It's....earthshattering when reality slaps you in the face and kills the dream, ya know?
I loved...
Recovering

Missing....what it feels like when you leave your family for good

It was July of 1989 or so when I left one night. If I could put all those emotions felt...into words it'd fill volumes.
These lyrics Are So True for me.
I don't know that I was ever missed...word

"Missing"

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
Maybe someday you'll look up,
And, barely conscious, you'll say to no one:
"Isn't something missing?"

You won't cry for my absence, I know -
You forgot me long ago.
Am I that unimportant...?
Am I so insignificant...?
Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?

[Chorus:]
Even though I'm the sacrifice,
You won't try for me, not now.
Though I'd die to know you love me,
I'm all alone.
Isn't someone missing me?

Please, please forgive me,
But I won't be home again.
I know what you do to yourself,
I breathe deep and cry out,
"Isn't something missing?
Isn't someone missing me?"

[Chorus]

And if I bleed, I'll bleed,
Knowing you don't care.
And if I sleep just to dream of you
I'll wake without you there,
Isn't something missing?
Isn't something...