It's been so long since I've had someone to talk to who listens, asks questions, offers advice, cares and considers my needs and feelings. I spent yesterday with my new girlfriend, M, and we shared quite a bit about our last relationship, custody and all.
It's complicated...I mean, I hardly know M and it sounds like she sincerely wants the best for me. Can that be true or possible? That's one aspect.
Another line of thinking is that...well, it's feeling embarrassing when I relate how I allowed my ex to treat me so badly. I feel stupid, like a chump, and it certainly doesn't feel good. I put myself down because I should have seen all the emotionally abusive, narcissistic, bullying signs long before 18 years into the relationship. I can only imagine ex thinking along the lines of "you can't respect someone who is kissing your ass" as I was forever puckering up. I never received respect. People that caught up in their own twisted selfishness don't give any consideration to anyone other than themselves.
M thought I should've filed for divorce, support and child support. I laughed. A decent ex would have done that without the court system. I continue to have a low opinion of myself and what I'm entitled to, what I deserve and what is fairness anyway? I need to address this with my therapist soon. I'm not at all sure my son should be spending time with someone who so easily abuses and uses people. I have an appointment with my son's therapist next week and one of the items I want to discuss is, how healthy is it for a young, impressionable teen to spend three months with someone that emotionally cruel and unhealthy? I really like his therapist and trust her to help me make the right decision for my kid.
It's quite wonderful having a friend. I continue to become more social.
