I'd love to be able to let go of my last relationship. Wish I could find some closure instead of resentment. Sure, I get that a narcissist is never wrong and rarely has the ability to change. I know an apology is out of the question as Guy never did anything wrong. It's like a beast with an insatiable appetite that never knows when it's full and time to leave the table.
I wish there was...a sign..that I was actually a valid part of that relationship...that I meant something more than being a warm body helping to heat a room by my presence. G-d, I still feel like I was a nobody, just a robot wound up everyday to do my masters bidding.
Were their good parts, absolutely. Wish I could remember them, in those early years instead of harping on the ten years I was the being on the couch whose only function was to serve.
It's wounding not being treated as an equal in a relationship with so many strange words like "partner" and "love" being thrown around..and I bought them all, hook, line and lead sinker. It leaves an odiferous stench. The negatives weigh heavier than the positives.
The controlling...manipuative, undermining my fragile sense of esteem. I feel so belittled, negated and used.
I just want closure.
Do I figure, absolutely. It just feels unfinished, tarnished, like I'm continuing to be stepped on without any acknowledgement that I ever mattered. The tight reins of control continue to tighten and vex.
I was nothing to Guy. So foolish that I was deceived and saw only his good for years on end. Defending, supporting...and for what? To my own detriment. I didn't treat him as a god, I just believed every word he said and believed that he was acting in my best interest and cared deeply for me.
Maybe that's it...don't want to admit it...but Guy broke my heart. I believed him. I so wanted to beieve every word he said and I took them all to heart. Didn't want to admit it...don't like it when I allow myself to be wounded by trusting so. Hate being foolish. I deeply loved him, believed him, trusted...I was the fool...believing in a pipe dream. Trusting the smokescreen. I really wanted to believe that he loved me. I willingly wore a blindfold to be "loved".
Don't like the egg on my face.
So many mixed emotions. I really loved him. Damn me. Fool. Again.
Trust. I trusted him completely, erroneously, blindly and most foolishly.
He was my religion and, for awhile, my everything.
It's....earthshattering when reality slaps you in the face and kills the dream, ya know?
I loved...
Recovering
