I joined a group of like-minded others online. Today, they posted pictures of the event they just edited hosted, an event I had tentatively planned to attend.
People were dancing, picking from a buffet, huddled in small groups and generally looking to be having a great time.
There is no way on God's green earth that I could have ever lasted more than ten, fifteen minutes tops, at such an event. The idea sounds like ice cream; I want some. But in reality, it's just chocolate syrup all over the floor; it doesn't hold; its not reality for me.
There is a wall within me. One side thinks, plans, and tries to act as others do. The other side of the wall, is the hermit who lives amongst solitude, closed windows and locked doors; it is my Autistic reality.
That damn wall prevents me from seeing and planing realistic events. One-on-one events in quiet locations, at a coffee shop or park.
The first side, the side of the walk that always points outwards, sees the outer world, wants friends, and is desperate to find interaction. The far side, the inner side that is aware of our capabilities, anxieties, and well, years of experiences, probably doesn't have the heart to tell all that wishful thinking exactly what it is, futile wishful thinking.
Thus we accept invites or plan get-togethers and disappoint ourself with alarming regularity.
In a way, a big part of me is not based in the reality of Aspergers. It isn't denial, more like we forget that we can't do some things. We forget the past attempts and failures as they are, these days, spread out months apart. We may sign up for a class but we never are in attendance. Maybe we want to quickly forget our failures. Who wouldn't want to overlook their own shortcomings?
We see things online that look fun but if we were to attend, it would be all anxiety and meltdown.
Seeing clearly, who we are and what we truly are capable of, is an aspiration I have yet to achieve.
Party on
