Sensory Overload, Spring continues to vex me so

 This is my first Spring wherein I have lived in blackout conditions with shades continually drawn to keep out all light, or rather to prevent the overly dancing, dizzying new leaves from making my head spin and causing headaches and dizziness. I am not a good historian. I had to ask someone that has known me for years, if it is typical that I get so distressed this time of year. She assured me that I have not ever had this much difficulty with green leave and sunshine and wind. Individually, I have complained, stated my discomfort, my sensory overload at all three but this is the first years where windy, sunny days ate interfering in my daily functioning.

It is not just visual hypersensitivity as both auditory and tactile sense, what I hear and touch, are also at a highly acute range. My dog and my favorite blanket are both the softest and most touchable that they have ever been. At the same time, I am reacting strongly in the negative to anything that touches my hands such as kitchen grease, soaps, and anything sticky. I am, seriously, washing my hands and saying "ick" when touching things 4 to 10 times more often than, say, a month ago.

I am concerned at this level of hypersensitivity as I have not experienced this previously. What if I remain this sensory overloaded? Is this temporary or just a seasonal or my new normal? 

I can't touch people or have people touch me anymore. I used to like to hug a few people but now, I recoil from the very thought of it because it feels like it would be unpleasant and way too much. 

I'm having more and more days wherein I have no need to speak and my ability to carry on conversations, my being verbal, is becoming more and more difficult.

I have an increasing number of times that I want to put ear plugs in when I venture outside anywhere there is people or store music playing, due to loudness. I can't remember the last time I actually listened to my car radio or a CD. I just have no tolerance for any more stimuli.

Is this the new me? Or just temporary high Autism days and weeks? Should I work on adjusting to this new normal? Or anticipate downward sensory overload? I have no answers. All I know is that right now Autism is the highest it has been and it is affecting every aspect of my waking life.

Every Day Issues

It's difficult to admit how the little, every day things can challenge and vex. As an example, I don't know when to turn the heat on when it is chilly in the house. How uncomfortable, how cold, do I have to be and for what period of time before I am allowed to turn on the heat?

The answer is not "when you are cold" because then my heating bill would be too high and it seems like it is normal to have to experience some degree of discomfort. Or, do I just out on an extra layer of clothes? Well, I'm already in two layer, my winter clothing.

Lately, what I have been doing is observing the room thermometer in my living room. If it gets below 63 degrees and especially if it gets below 60, then I turn the heat on enough to bring the temperature up to the mid 60's. That seems to be our acceptable range. There, I just answered my own question. Dress in a couple of layers and if the temperature dips below 63, put on the heat until warm and then turn the heat back off again.

The question of how much money to spend on food is a continual conundrum. One always requires food, so do I just try and eat as little and as cheaply as possible? How much extra stuff, red meat fresh veggies, can I safely afford every week?

I'm trying this new thing of spending a specific amount of money at the start of each week. I also automatically purchase specific big ticket, expensive items each month. My glutenfree flour is 17 $ for four pounds and I bake all my own food, therefore, I can allocate funds for 2, usually 3 bags of flour as that is the main ingredient in almost each of my meals, whether it be for pizza dough, buttermilk muffins, and pumpkin muffins or banana bread. So, I am making a list of what I eat and require for each month. 

Buying food is a constant, challenging series of decision making.

These are just two of my simple tasks that require a lot of time and thought and worry to get right. Having Aspregers isn't for sissies or the weak.

Having Aspergers be like..

There are 101 people in an auditorium. One person stands up to tell a joke. 99 people are laughing. They understand what was said and react similarly. 

There are 101 people in a room. One starts talking. Someone (me) laughs uproariously and inappropriately, and one other person laughs, too. There are 2 Aspies in that room.

That's how alone this is.

I am an alien surrounded. Alone in any crowd whether it be 3 people or 100.

I only recently found someone online who not only speaks Aspie but speaks My Aspie. Aspergers has many "dialects" and I've only found one other, in addition to my son, that speaks my dialect. 

People talk about their tribe, family, peeps and besties. That's what this person is to me. I found one other of my species, on my island, who speaks the same native tongue.

And it's amazing.

Struggling to Go Outside

I want to go for a walk outside, specifically to collect wildflowers photos but, there are issues, people mostly. It is a weekend and there tends to be more of them walking and migrating about. I need to lower my anxiety level by careful planning to mitigate the unpleasantness. 

First, maybe I'll drive to the local park instead of walking. That will eliminate any sidewalk stranger nervousness.

Second, I can pick a park that I believe to be in less use today. The sky says much scattered rain, so most parks should be reduced due to that factor alone. I'm considering if the shorter park for only walkers might be less crowded than the larger park, a greater distance, that also caters to bicycles, horses, and typically, a whole lot of dogs. Since the aggressive dog incidents times 2, a year or two or three ago, that particular park tends to raise anxiety whenever it's thought about and whenever I am there and see any dog, especially larger ones. (The smaller ones I worry about less as they are "kickable" like a football if they attack. I say that with only half a jest and I own a wonderful small dog that I love enormously.) Yes, I fear attack there and have to "armor up" mentally, emotionally if I go there but, ah, it is so beautiful there and I do wonder what the wildflowers say and think that may currently be blooming there.

Decisions...

The rain is a factor. My tennis shoes may get wet. I have no "rain off" waterproof shoes. Wet socks can make me highly unpleasant and extremely uncomfortable but I have been in the house too much much. My physical corporeal being strongly wishes, nay, requires movement.

Conundrum after Conundrum, the wheel of life erratically spins, slows down and throws me off on occasion to deal with enclosed recesses filled with wild, toothy beasts and surmountable problems to mill through and climb.

Dilemma....

If I do go out for a walk, if I actually venture out that far, a reward is in order either a welcome treat of a big coffee or a sidetrip to a thrift store with a 10$ reward fee. There, I have sweetened the pot, as it were. Time to get ready to go out that big red door into the wilds of life outside my tiny, amazing and safe fortress.

Spring is being unpleasant, unfortunate

I can't remember a winter seasonal transition more unpleasant and challenging than this one. Maybe it has to do with it being my 69th year on this continent. The years have taken a toll on my ability to adjust and flex and roll with the massive changes, in every external corner of my environment. 

The wind proves the largest and most consistent nemesis. My curtains stay closed anytime the leaves tremble and twitch enough to cause dizziness and discomfort, which is proving to be 80% of the days when it's daylight.

At night, minus sunlight, I've adjusted my usual sleeping position so that I am far from windows, ensconced in a fortified field of blankets and pillows.

I welcome the rain. It cannot rain too much for me. The cold that accompanied this mornings rain prompts me to curtail my anticipated excursion to the post office, coffee shop and cemetery adventure. No shower either. I can't imagine being cold times two. All of today's plans are scrapped. I only want couch, comfort, blankets and sci-fi. I have yearnings for football, too, but am unable to pilfer through the tangles of streaming channels and such. One simple thing, a place to turn to in order to watch past nfl games is a monumental and, unfortunately, an impossible task.

I find this event, this searching for a certain tv event, one of the few times I wish there was someone who could help me. Ah, the seemingly little things that mean so much.

Exhaustion continues with erratic moments of having enough energy to get up to complete a small task.

This is Me, venting hopefully, rather than complaining about things I'm unable to change.

Tolerance to the external is low. Hibernation and hide, is high.

I just don't know what to do. Seriously

I don't know how to structure my day with what actually needs to be done, what can wait, doing what I feel like doing, what is necessary, what I must do, how do I want to spend my days, how long can I let the dishes sit, how uncomfortable do I have to be to break into the bank and buy food if I already have some food on hand.

Do I continue to eat the frozen leftovers until they are near completely gone before I buy more food? Do I really need to go for a walk or do I want to or do I feel too tired or really just want to avoid people?

Should I accept my disability check and not try and work to make supplemental income? If so, to what degree? How many hours and how much effort should I put into that?

Cleaning. I'm going through everything in the spare oom and deciding what to sell, give away, throw away and keep. For how many hours shall I do this each day.

No job. No school. No children. No responsibilities to anyone.

I have all these hours. I've always believed in being the highest productivity as possible. Do I get time off? A day of rest? How much and how long?

I find these many hours a conundrum of possibilities and confusion.

There are no clear and definite answers as so much depends on my current wants and energy level.

No one can ever answer these questions for me.

How shall I spend my next hour, dishes, map making, reading, writing, baking, chores, resting? 

There are no answers, only open questions.