Tuesday, April 30, 2024

Sensory Overload, Spring continues to vex me so

 This is my first Spring wherein I have lived in blackout conditions with shades continually drawn to keep out all light, or rather to prevent the overly dancing, dizzying new leaves from making my head spin and causing headaches and dizziness. I am not a good historian. I had to ask someone that has known me for years, if it is typical that I get so distressed this time of year. She assured me that I have not ever had this much difficulty with green leave and sunshine and wind. Individually, I have complained, stated my discomfort, my sensory overload at all three but this is the first years where windy, sunny days ate interfering in my daily functioning.

It is not just visual hypersensitivity as both auditory and tactile sense, what I hear and touch, are also at a highly acute range. My dog and my favorite blanket are both the softest and most touchable that they have ever been. At the same time, I am reacting strongly in the negative to anything that touches my hands such as kitchen grease, soaps, and anything sticky. I am, seriously, washing my hands and saying "ick" when touching things 4 to 10 times more often than, say, a month ago.

I am concerned at this level of hypersensitivity as I have not experienced this previously. What if I remain this sensory overloaded? Is this temporary or just a seasonal or my new normal? 

I can't touch people or have people touch me anymore. I used to like to hug a few people but now, I recoil from the very thought of it because it feels like it would be unpleasant and way too much. 

I'm having more and more days wherein I have no need to speak and my ability to carry on conversations, my being verbal, is becoming more and more difficult.

I have an increasing number of times that I want to put ear plugs in when I venture outside anywhere there is people or store music playing, due to loudness. I can't remember the last time I actually listened to my car radio or a CD. I just have no tolerance for any more stimuli.

Is this the new me? Or just temporary high Autism days and weeks? Should I work on adjusting to this new normal? Or anticipate downward sensory overload? I have no answers. All I know is that right now Autism is the highest it has been and it is affecting every aspect of my waking life.

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