Loyalty and Aspergers...My Word is My Bond

It wasn't until the past couple of weeks that I realized "loyalty" meant something to this Aspie, and her son, that was much more than the standard definition.
Loyalty-quality, state or instance of being loyal; faithfulness or faithful adherence to a person, goverment, cause, duty, etc...
Loyal-...faithful to those persons, ideals, etc. that one is under obligation to defend
As an example of ferocious loyalty....if I was, say, 17 years old again, and my best friend Maureen asked me to go with her and do something with her...I would do it, probably without question. Legal or not, stupid or not, I would have followed her. If Maureen has gotten thru all the walls and barriers and I call her "friend" then, yes, I would do whatever she asked Without question. That is Aspie loyalty.
Because I trust her enough, to allow her to See me...I become blind to everything else.
Is it because I have such poor definition of self that I so narrowly follow her? Is it because she was the only person willing to hang out with me and go places with me? Was I that desperate and lonely for a friend? Definitely possible.
There is soo much here, bear with me...
People use the term "friend" with different degrees and meanings/ levels of friendship. I have a handful of friends..these are people who i don't hide myself from in Any way. They see the real me even when I am agitated or emotional and we are both comfortable with that. It is probably my biggest criteria. If I feel embarrassed around someone, its a deal breaker. Comfort is key.
Through observation, I have noticed that the word friend can oft times have a much more liberal meaning and encompasses, what I term, acquaintances.
Facebook friend, is nothing more than a slander and degradation of the word as it means, in my book, "someone you know or have had contact with, even very casually".
I could count on two hands how many friends that I have had, okay, maybe two and a half. That is were I differ from the Neuro-Typical.
Friend means loyalty...ferocious, semi-blind, total immersion loyalty. I don't do anything half-way, as I have heard others often remark of me. And yes, it is a very difficult circle to break in to. I am quite selective. I have learned that one is often the company one keeps...and that is sooo true for this Aspie. I am much more careful these days.

Okay, Eldest wasn't so lucky...its a learning curve thing.

My word is my bond. I'm not sure if it is because of the liberal looseness with which NTs spout their words or not, but I have always had, like, this unspoken code of honor where my every word becomes an unbreakable bond. Maybe it is because I take things literally...or I had been let down time after time when people said one thing but really meant another. Maybe its simply a way not to be so confused.

Have you ever watched Crocodile Dundee? Its playing as I write and I can understand the confusion of Mick being tossed into a foreign land and feeling quite the stranger, the alien, if you will. Life for an Aspie is a lot like that...really.

I honor my verbal bonds...actually its more like bondage most of the time. I can see where I have, frequently, beat myself up because I said one little thing,like, I'll be there at 8 and if i arrive at 8:10, I feel like something sacred has been broken. Really, it is time for me to lighten up on this one because it leads to too much self-castigation. Granted, I will never be as loose-lipped as the average NT, but I could give myself a break and find a little leeway in this factor.
Maybe the bonds are that much stronger because we are more selective or just don't find many others that we want to let in. Maybe we have been hurt so much by false friends who were really doing nothing more than feigning friendship in an attempt to later make fun of us.

Ahhh, yeah, the sting...rejection, hurt, embarrassment, those are really big butt bites. Anyone with half a brain would try and avoid them.
They say Aspies lack emotion, but in my reality, it is just the opposite. Aspies feel so much more and with such great depth that we are simply trying to protect ourselves from further pain, by throwing up wall after wall, digging moats and trenches and keeping others at arms length. I think some of my other posts may have touched on the depths of my emotions...lol...yeah. I don't know how one measures pain, I'm just saying...
Anyway...Thar she blows...okay, I'm done

Regarding ADAM the movie and Aspergers

The Truth is a Thing of Horrid, Wretched Beauty

I watched the movie Adam, tonight. It is a story about a man with Aspergers....hmmm, lots of thoughts and feelings on this one.
My first reaction was "this is bad". Do I really look like that much of a doofus? Its one thing to actually be a doofus, it is quite another when you realize others may see you that way.
He seemed like such a simpleton but I can easily remember feeling that way, frequently. Its as if everyone is speaking the same language but you. And you can't even find the dictionary to understand what they are saying.
It feels like being an alien, a foreigner in a very strange land. And you can't pinpoint why, you just know that you are very different.
Embarrassment and humiliation are probably the two worst emotions to feel. They seem to strike the deepest and sharpest. And are the hardest ones to shake and get over.
Yes, a lot of the movie is quite true. The incredible frustration with not being able to go out the door or perform a relatively simple task. I loved the great lengths it took to prepare for the job interview...it took days and days and many hours of rehearsal to get ready.
I must admit that I have much, much more in my freezer than mac and cheese and veggies. But don't make me vary from my coffee and peanut butter toast in the morning...that Is my religion.
The trauma of parties and restaurants was portrayed extremely well. And gave my partner a better understanding. She used to be a go-out-to-eat-at-a-restaurant person and had a hard time adjusting to my rebellion against eating away from home.
The loneliness...the self-abuse..unfortunately frustration expresses itself in many forms.
The fits of rage...while I have heard that this is quite common, it is not something I experience.
The inability to share personal experiences...when his father died and no one at the office knew.
Asking for help, or the inability to ask for help...Wow..true too.
Being lied to, betrayed, having the wool pulled over your eyes..YES..big, big no no's. And the subsequent wanting to burn the bridge..yes. Aspies really want no part of deception in any form.
Aspies are people who take words at their literal meaning and are brutally honest..(ok, gotta tell ya...this one time, at band camp...no, this one time at a friends house..I brought my Aspie 9 year old son. My friend was showing us the house and when we got to her newly painted bedroom,[she had all her clothing strewn on the bed away from the paint] my son said, "This place is a mess." Brutally honest, fer sure.) I guess we expect that others should be just like us. And it is quite an offense to be deceived.
The movie was upsetting because it struck so close to home.
Seeing his struggle was rather painful. I am not sure that I could actually watch it again. And I definitely do not want to share it with my son.
I was enormously pleased with the ending because it showed how against great odds he was able to overcome and succeed. When you live in your own little, highly controlled, regulated and predictable, safe world and can muster every resource you have to take a giant step out..it is an incredible feat of remarkable courage.