Smell and Aspergers

I didn't realize this..until I found myself on a trip, away from home and in a strange, new location...but...
I Smell Everything
I, literally, go around and smell things and environments. When I got into the car with my travel companions..the smell of peoples was overwhelming. There was hairspray, perfume, deodorant, sweat, a whole lot of different things going on to the point that I was very unnerved and questioned whether I could make a three hour journey with so many strange and foreign, well, alarming odors. It did diminish as the trip wore on. I got used to it and adapted.
Next stop was the hotel where I would be staying for a couple of nights. Right away I noticed that I was curious/ apprehensive about how the room would smell and i was relieved when it was just fine.
I found myself smelling everything, from the bedding, to the towels, the new soap, the water, food served to my companions, drinks, etc.
And not only was I smelling things but environments as well..every new restaurant, restroom, meeting room and location.
My Eldest son, who also has Aspergers, had always, as long as I could remember, overtly smelled everything and I found it to be...rather queer, unsightly and downright embarrassing so I think that is why I put my need to smell underground. I really did not care to look that silly and out-of-place.
So, once I discovered that I did this..and, quite honestly, I never knew this until last week, I wanted the reason, the rational, the why.
In thinking about it, I smell in order to: a) figure out if my environment is safe, acceptable, comfortable, free from danger, poison and other unpleasantries. b) discover what I can safely touch. I notice that I do not touch unless I smell and realize that it is okay and will probably not harm me. c) in order to tell what is real or not. Say, artificial flowers versus real ones or the wonderful smell of real leather as opposed to irritating fake plastic furniture and such.
Smells are orientating..I found myself gravitating toward flowers that smelled familiar when I ventured into a brand new, large store full of odd, unusual and somewhat threatening odors. The scent of the familiar was very comforting and reassuring...downright calming and peaceful.
I love standing outdoors and just engaging, experiencing the variety of scents of nature, the flowers, the trees, the soil, the leaves...its a cacophony of pleasantries, familiarity and home.
Throughout the summer, I fill my home with freshly cut flowers, herbs and even aromatic tree branches. And in the winter, I utilize the grocery store flower selection quite liberally and it is more common than naught, to find flowers in my home.
I will no longer castigate Eldest for his overt nostril flares. I finally get it. Its a good thing :)

A Typical Conversation...Talking and Aspergers

I went to the grocery store, the other day, and ran into someone that I know pretty well. She is someone that I like and who would appear to be harmless and quite safe.
We greeted each other with a wonderful hug and then the problems began...we started talking.
Immediately, I notice that my whole body tenses up, especially my chest and my throat. I start my routine of trying to control any tics or erratic body movements.
I start going back, in my memory, to everything I know about her, when was the last time we had talked and what the subject matter was. Since she is a fb friend, I was scrolling through her statuses, what she has commented on, her interests, looking and searching for talking points...What do I say? What is she going to ask?
I guess widespread anxiety would be the most fitting term, or subtle,subdued and unseen panic would be the terms to describe how I was feeling.

So I started out by mentioning my week, and she filled in her current work status...and then she asked about my family, the little guy and partner...and I kindof thought that was it. (From the get-go, I tend to wonder how long any convo is going to be and hoping for a short one) Then, her face got kindof funny, hmmm, serious and inquisitive and she asked about Eldest, in a very polite and nonthreatening way.
Twice in the past week, people have inquired and the following reaction was par for the course: Immediately (the most obvious and noticeable symptom) my eyes get "wild" and they go above, beyond and all around..its like I am trying to escape and keep my emotions in check...yeah, I lose all eye contact for awhile. Then I find the words, the script that I have previously used, and I start reciting. Of course, I am struggling even more to control the body movements at this point and my eyes, are really the only thing that prove to be impossible to contain. She continues asking questions about this subject and the first thing that jumps in my head is the dream I had last night where a taxi brought Eldest home and he came upon the porch and whilst I was inside, he stood on the porch crying uncontrollable and then I realized this and went out and embraced him. Shit, I said that out loud, now to escape that one and move on quickly....There were a few questions about him, very appropriate questions from someone who genuinely is concerned but that did not help my anxiety.
Then the next few minutes were all about, how do I get out of this? How can I nicely end this conversation and get on with the task at hand?

There were more pleasantries and then I was free to leave.
Seriously, the majority of conversations are like this. I do have friends with whom I am more comfortable to varying degrees but from my 5 minute talk with Younglinks teacher in the morning, to the words I may exchange in the hall with this person or that, talking is very stressful. And after conversations, I am physically and emotionally tired.
I guess, I never really realized my physical symptoms of what made talking a rather unpleasant task,at times, until the past couple of days when I actually engaged in a long conversation in which it was not in the least uncomfortable. I experienced freedom and actual enjoyment in a very long conversation and it allowed me to see what was stressful in most talks, what is running through my head and what strategies I use to deal with this minor (to the NT) facet of everyday life.
So, this is my aspie life..

More Thoughts on Selective Mutism

I've been thinking about SM lately. I hope I'm not giving away trade secrets here because I don't want my official Aspie card revoked..maybe they will just cut off one of the corners. There are some things...that are rarely spoken of. Almost like an unwritten code of honor, that we don't share.
Eldest broke one of the unwritten rules a couple of weeks ago. "You never ask for something that you cannot get". It just runs against the grain to ask for something that is unobtainable. We are unusually extremely careful about what we ask for because of the fear of rejection.
I don't know if it is "our", mine and Eldests unwritten rule, that of all Aspies or mine alone. No clue really.
Anyway, I guess I used to see SM as just a part of the visceral, physiological exhaustion process. When the body/ brain overloaded and shut down in response to too much stress. More and more I read where brain chemistry and hormones dictate behaviors and that Aspies and Bipolars share some of that chemistry in the phenomenon of vivid dreams and some roller coaster moods. This past month, I saw and maybe for the very first time, the separateness of SM from pure physical exhaustion. Maybe SM is an aside...is it a separate experience? Or a precursor of the shutdown? Honestly, I didn't think it could exist on its own until recently.
But I digress...its hard to let people in to some of the sacred things. Then I think, well, its not like anyone can stop me from going there or that i will run in to anyone I know there..because it is mine alone.
How does it feel? Its like you are in a stadium for a major sporting event, you know, with lots and lots of noise, people scattered everywhere all yelling and screaming, loudspeakers going with music and cheers, and you see the tunnel...leading out of the stadium. And only you can see the tunnel. And you don't necessarily have to walk towards it because it slowly is moving towards you.
All you have to do is stand up and take a few steps and you are in it. Sure, you can still hear the crowds with the first step...but it gets a little more distant with each one. And more distant..and more..and more. Its like in slow-motion...until you hear the most beautiful of sounds....absolutely nothing...silence.
The lights are dim...there is only breathtakingly beautiful silence.
Physiologically, in real time, real life, my lips and face get heavy and form a sort of mask. I can actually feel it. Almost as if my lips gently clamp shut and on the inside of them there is a slight smile, a subtle turning up of the corners of my mouth that no one can see. Other times I describe it as an invisible vice. And the amount of effort that it takes to verbalize....think Incredible Hulk. It really is very challenging and a monumental effort to get anything through and out.
In a small way, I think part of this might be what the Neuro-Typical feels in that all the rushing, speeding trains of thought that describe my normal thought processes on most days, stops. The trains dissolve, as does the station. Even the tracks disappear. All is calm.
It is Nirvana in that all suffering stops. Ouch, that must be my way of saying that the external becomes too painful..or that the internal simply cannot tolerate anymore.
Maybe a more apt term would be Shangri La, a mysterious, harmonious valley. I know this..it is extremely peaceful and a lot like twilight. Its a resting place, a respite and easily the greatest place of healing. Besides, its the only "off" switch that I own.
It is both beautiful and frightening...and I don't really care for the completely out-of-my-control aspect. I must say that that is the most bothersome part about it..that, and the not knowing if I can ever find my way out of the valley or when that will be. Yeah, the first few times i noticed it, that was the most frightening part...not knowing if or when it will abate. Its a vulnerability, because you can no longer defend yourself verbally. What if a teacher (my most usual opponent) screwed up or challenged me? Then what? Thats the negative part.
On the positive side..omg, it is close to pure heaven...the sky is a slightly overcast blue, you can smell the flowers, even the stream is flowing gently and silently. If I listen, I can hear things happening on the outside. Nothing can hurt me here. Yeah, I become pretty numb here. And no one can hurt me not even me.
And part of me would love nothing more than to live there forever and a very equal part of me wants nothing more than to leave. But it is a fight without fighting. A battle with no weapons or even harsh words. Mostly, its an opportunity for healing and respite. I take it as a genuine, soundless cry.
I guess the only real problem, in my mind, is when it interferes with the everyday existence...when there are things that need doing and only I am the one. And, probably, if it lasts too long...but I cannot really judge time there or what is too long? Can a vacation ever be too long? Is there a time limit on how long a treatment can take to restore one to health? I don't know.
So how does it end...how is it that I leave this place? I never really know, I guess I already established that but usually, almost always, I would think, it is gradual. Maybe I wake up in the morning and I can sense thoughts, words, partial sentences forming slightly overhead. Or maybe I am thrust out when some situation arises in which I am forced, compelled to act.
There have been times when I sensed that Eldest had a lot going on and he wasn't able to articulate anything. I would give him a great big hug or I would call him down stairs from his lair, and have him sit next to me on the couch. It seemed that being in close proximity and gentle physical contact, would "break the spell" or "force the issue". He seemed to come around shortly there after and start talking. More often than not, he would reveal something he had been thinking about, wondering, contemplating..something bugging him. Sometimes not...and we would just sit there for awhile..then he would go outside or upstairs for awhile only to return hours later in a more expressive mood. So physical contact works pretty good. i know of no other way of dealing that is effective.
Anyway, I don't know, it seems like this is the first time that I have had a lot of clarity and been able to see and sense the selective mutism. The biggest thing to remember, always, always, always, it is not a conscious choice. And it is a true quandary.

Loyalty and Aspergers...My Word is My Bond

It wasn't until the past couple of weeks that I realized "loyalty" meant something to this Aspie, and her son, that was much more than the standard definition.
Loyalty-quality, state or instance of being loyal; faithfulness or faithful adherence to a person, goverment, cause, duty, etc...
Loyal-...faithful to those persons, ideals, etc. that one is under obligation to defend
As an example of ferocious loyalty....if I was, say, 17 years old again, and my best friend Maureen asked me to go with her and do something with her...I would do it, probably without question. Legal or not, stupid or not, I would have followed her. If Maureen has gotten thru all the walls and barriers and I call her "friend" then, yes, I would do whatever she asked Without question. That is Aspie loyalty.
Because I trust her enough, to allow her to See me...I become blind to everything else.
Is it because I have such poor definition of self that I so narrowly follow her? Is it because she was the only person willing to hang out with me and go places with me? Was I that desperate and lonely for a friend? Definitely possible.
There is soo much here, bear with me...
People use the term "friend" with different degrees and meanings/ levels of friendship. I have a handful of friends..these are people who i don't hide myself from in Any way. They see the real me even when I am agitated or emotional and we are both comfortable with that. It is probably my biggest criteria. If I feel embarrassed around someone, its a deal breaker. Comfort is key.
Through observation, I have noticed that the word friend can oft times have a much more liberal meaning and encompasses, what I term, acquaintances.
Facebook friend, is nothing more than a slander and degradation of the word as it means, in my book, "someone you know or have had contact with, even very casually".
I could count on two hands how many friends that I have had, okay, maybe two and a half. That is were I differ from the Neuro-Typical.
Friend means loyalty...ferocious, semi-blind, total immersion loyalty. I don't do anything half-way, as I have heard others often remark of me. And yes, it is a very difficult circle to break in to. I am quite selective. I have learned that one is often the company one keeps...and that is sooo true for this Aspie. I am much more careful these days.

Okay, Eldest wasn't so lucky...its a learning curve thing.

My word is my bond. I'm not sure if it is because of the liberal looseness with which NTs spout their words or not, but I have always had, like, this unspoken code of honor where my every word becomes an unbreakable bond. Maybe it is because I take things literally...or I had been let down time after time when people said one thing but really meant another. Maybe its simply a way not to be so confused.

Have you ever watched Crocodile Dundee? Its playing as I write and I can understand the confusion of Mick being tossed into a foreign land and feeling quite the stranger, the alien, if you will. Life for an Aspie is a lot like that...really.

I honor my verbal bonds...actually its more like bondage most of the time. I can see where I have, frequently, beat myself up because I said one little thing,like, I'll be there at 8 and if i arrive at 8:10, I feel like something sacred has been broken. Really, it is time for me to lighten up on this one because it leads to too much self-castigation. Granted, I will never be as loose-lipped as the average NT, but I could give myself a break and find a little leeway in this factor.
Maybe the bonds are that much stronger because we are more selective or just don't find many others that we want to let in. Maybe we have been hurt so much by false friends who were really doing nothing more than feigning friendship in an attempt to later make fun of us.

Ahhh, yeah, the sting...rejection, hurt, embarrassment, those are really big butt bites. Anyone with half a brain would try and avoid them.
They say Aspies lack emotion, but in my reality, it is just the opposite. Aspies feel so much more and with such great depth that we are simply trying to protect ourselves from further pain, by throwing up wall after wall, digging moats and trenches and keeping others at arms length. I think some of my other posts may have touched on the depths of my emotions...lol...yeah. I don't know how one measures pain, I'm just saying...
Anyway...Thar she blows...okay, I'm done

The Aloneness...... Aspergers Syndrome and Loneliness

If there is one thing, that I believe a person with aspergers understands much more than the standard neuro-typical it is the intense feeling of aloneness. And maybe, hopefully, I am wrong and some aspies do not experience the brevity and depth of what it feels like to know that no matter where or with whom, you are flying solo.
Eldest and I have discussed this issue at length....we know that we are born alone and have a deep understanding of it.
Aspergers Syndrome is a disassociate state of being...always one step removed from reality
Anyway, this is the beginning of my photo essay album...I miss you