Self-Restraint, Self Control and Aspergers

I didn't realize it, till last week, but I wake up in morning and put on two straitjackets. No, make that one straitjacket and a muzzle.
From the get-go, I start monitoring and censuring my verbalizations and my erratic, unpredictable body movements. One would think and ponder why I would need to do this not only on the outside of my home amongst peoples, but also, most definitely within my own secure environment.

The first answer that springs to mind, I have kids. And kids mimic parents. If mom screams at spiders and dad throws chairs you will probably have a child who turns in to an adult who screams and throws chairs. Look it up. It happens...common knowledge.
So, I didn't want my boys to "pick up" and imitate mommy and her ticky little dances and talking off the top of her head to herself. It just seemed very prudential, practical, necessary.
Thus I have lived in a state of perpetual self-restraint and self-censorship. And it has pretty much felt like a cage with shades and blinds. I mean, how can i be happy and comfortable with who I am if i am so afraid to show my true self? Really?
Another factor would be..hmmm, a bit tougher here...I..don't want to embarrass myself..to my self. I know what looks stupid and mental and I didn't want to see my self behaving in ...hmmm, autistic, spastic ways. Yeah, I didn't want to embarrass myself.
How can one like oneself when the majority of existence is spent hiding and covering the mirrors?
So, at home, my haven of safe, I was anything but free.
The whole going out in public, everyone can understand relatively easy with half a brain. Public embarrassment, saying and blurting out the wrong things, ticky dances are simply not acceptable behaviors..I get that.

Funny thing happened last week...you may have heard about it:)
I went to an autism conference and from my own judgement the vast majority of peoples at this whole hotel were educators and peoples familiar with Aspergers and Autism. And I felt really, really free.
I mean, where else could I have left the straitjacket and muzzle at home and gone skipping down the hallways when I felt like it? Where else would I have felt comfortable, pilfering party favors, asking strangers for strange things and not feel at all self-conscious? Where else could I have asked complete strangers if I could touch their pretty shiny things? (See previous post on Magpie Syndrome..yeah, I am still stuck there. I don't get out much and there were Lots and Lots of pretty shinies :)
I know of no other location where I could freely and out loud be Aspie. And I graciously and with humbled pride easily announced it to everyone I met. Never before, cupcake, never before. I found it incredibly freeing and liberating.
I have been known to laugh out loud, not often and it highly depends on the company and amount of alcohol I have ingested, but it can happen. However, I have never (except with my Partner) rip-roared laughed and chuckled, oh chortled (dic: to make or utter with a gleeful chuckling or snorting sound) in the presence of any one else ever. Omg, it was a riot. I just let it all hang out...I kid you not. And even more astounding, I wasn't embarrassed.

Man, I really let myself go and I saw myself in brand new ways. And I didn't realize how much energy and effort I was putting into self-restraining every word and motion from the moment i got up in the morning until 2am when I went to bed at night.
You see, even home alone, I felt ashamed which is even a more appropriate term than embarrassed as it implies a certain degree of shame and self-loathing. In a strong way, I was denying who I truly was...my Aspergers, my Autism. I have been so self-conscious and hidden, even to me. There were just so many barriers, layer after layer of them that I had been incorporating over the many years.
But then, I got to experience who i really am...and Honey there ain't any going back.
I refuse to go back into the dark, in the recesses of the closet, back into that cage-like, muffled existence. I refuse to be ashamed or embarrassed at that which God made in such perfection. I simply will hide no more, especially from myself. I am allll good. I am Aspie

Going to the Grocery Store...Sensory Overload

Little things are big things

If i have been in the house for a few days, I have noticed that I am more aware of sights and sounds once i venture out again.
Case in point..I went to the grocery store today, after being home ill all week. My first steps into the store was an assault of the senses...mostly hearing. I could hear at least three different refrigerator units, motors whirring and twirling each with an individual sound. Two can and plastic bottle machines were in use.There were the three checkouts with people, clerks, baggers, muffled multiple conversations.
People walking in all directions..some towards me, others away or off to the side. Its a matter of maneuvering and figuring out the easiest and sometimes, quickest path to my destination.
The lights..lots of bright light with the produce section being illuminated by some horrendous type of lighting that causes me to hurry past, slightly closing my eyes from the glare.
There are only two grocery stores in my town and both seem to have identical produce lighting.
Some days the smells bother me but this day, I am still pretty stuffy so that is one thing I don't end up thinking about.
Oh, and I have little tolerance for those people that offer free samples of this crap or that...ewww, I avoid them like the plague, with their false smiles and small vials of new and improved swill. They make me very uneasy, maybe its because they have no problem invading my personal space or maybe its because they are one of those unexpected, unanticipated factors that do nothing but irritate and annoy.
More often than not, the Grocstore is the place that one if mostly likely to find me talking to myself. With my senses all atwitter, it is hard for me to find my own thoughts. I have my list in hand but often find myself mumbling slightly aloud as i read of the items and try and locate them. I am aware that I am doing this and modify it whenever possible but it is quite a challenge. There is simply too much going on around me and focus is often lost. That is probably one reason I enjoy going to the store with someone else, usually one of my boys. It looks like I am talking to them.
I try and make my list as complete as possible so I don't have to guess or try and figure out if we need this or that. Frequently, if I remember something not on the list, I go from one end of the store to the other, more than once.
At times, I will ignore an aisle that i need something in, if too many people are present or if it is congested. I simply move on and come back to it later.
I saw the coolest sight there today...a young man with ear muffs on to cut down on the noise. I can only guess he was autistic and I, like, got it! Great idea.

I have had days where I have need to go to the store, driven into the parking lot, saw way too many cars and just left because some days it is too challenging to deal. It happens..no biggie. Or I have modified my list to just the barest of essentials and gone from there.
Its all a matter of adjustment, adapting and finding out what works and being okay with that.
Thus is the life of an Aspie :)

Inside My World

Sometimes people say the same thing over and over and fail to ever really explain what they mean.
Frequently, I have been know to say "that I live in my own little world". I think that deserves an explanation. Lets' go there....
I live largely within a world of thought, memories, possibilities and emotations. Its like living in a very large room that is filled with loops, streams, fragments and spheres. At times, it seems very crowded and different shapes vie for my attention. Frequently one of these small floating arenas engulf me and I become engrossed, almost trapped and have a hard time escaping whatever thought or memory has captured my attention. Each shape contains either large or small bits of information. Mostly, I sit back, within myself and am analyzing.
Frequently, I am sure it appears, that my eyes have glazed over and it appears that "no one is home". At those times I am all inside...sometimes pondering, sometimes escaping whatever reality is outside of me and taking place.
Various things, such as "what was that conversation about yesterday" "can I remember it word for word?" "what was meant by thus and such" "did I convey what I needed to?" "when I said thus was I heard?" pertain to previous, mostly recent, conversations. Often, hours or days later, I find things that I missed in the conversation..sometimes very important things.

I have very little interest and awareness of the world outside of myself. I have a very narrow lens and rarely notice things, people, situations, words or ideas, that do not pertain directly to me. I have no interest in false gods, celebrities, current tv programming, popular culture, the latest novel, gossip of any kind, predicting the future or where I want to be five years from now, who is dating who, what the most popular song was in 1952, the latest diet or exercise craze, fads of any kind, and hypothetical what ifs.
The majority of my waking life is consumed with how to get through it, my home, my castle, my friends and my family and keeping myself functional. That takes up about 98% of my every day. Seriously, I wish it were only some bad joke but the vast majority of my day is actively engaged in basic functionality.

Words are mutable things of varying caliber, degrees and with a plethora of meaning depending on context, stress, the particular speaker and the spirit in which they are said....very complex. I can easily spend days analyzing a five-minute conversation....easily. For I do want to understand and comprehend..it just doesn't come easy.
Having to spend so much effort figuring out the words, leaves little time for glances and observations regarding facial expressions and body language. I am simply too focused on the words.
And, yes, most people speak at a normal rate of speed that is far too fast for this and other aspies. Either my word processing program is running too slow or I am actively engaged in trying to remember everything that I need to say and searching for pauses in the chat.
I can spend hours planning a five minute conversation for, say, the next day. I have to figure out my points, what is important and put it in a presentable cohesive, easy-to-understand manner.
Lost in thought...yeah, I am frequently there but it has purpose.

So say that I live in this very large room with floaters. I stand in the middle. There must be a door here somewhere for a connection to the outside. Sure, there is one over there on the right. One small doorway that opens to a very narrow, steep, twisty-turny hallway that is about a mile long. (Yeah, I am usually pretty hard to reach.) Every now and then someone ventures down the hall and knocks at my door...Most of the time, I simple do not hear the knock.The depths, focus can prevent that. Sometimes I do and ignore it. I think, most often, people arrive at the door, sense the...depth and treacherousness of the hallway and fear actually knocking. Can't say that I blame them...it is a most unusual stride to the door.

When I venture out...my view of the world outside of myself, outside of my physical home...
To be honest, its a war zone...a chaotic, ever-changing, daunting and somewhat dangerous place full of unpredictability, unspoken expectations, unwritten rules and a constantly changing landscape of mountains and pitfalls.
I constantly seek safe zones and safe people. When that doesn't work, I resort to using pre-approved patterns and manners of walking, behaviors and mental games to get me from point a to point b.
Stepping outside is sensory overload, pure and simple. Its an assault of the senses, a mental maze and all systems up and running, a time of high alert.
The highest variable is people."Who will I run into?" "What will I say?" "What will they ask?" subject matter, mood, will I be able to read them?
Some days I avoid most people..other days I seek them out.It just depends.
Mostly, life is a wicked game of survival..figuring out the bare minimum of what needs doing outside and staying mostly in. Venturing out requires a great deal of pre-planning and effort.
Little things are big things for the aspie. As an example, one of my current dilemmas is something so small,so simple, so not-an-issue for the nt that I hesitate to mention as I am sure it will induce ridicule and absurdity on some level. I can't find a pair of socks to buy that doesn't feel like sandpaper on my feet. I had a dozen pair of the most perfect of socks, all cotton, black, medium weight and they fit and felt just right. Well, I went and wore them all out, getting holes in the heels and had to start pitching them in the garbage. When I was down to one or two pair, I went to the local store where I had purchased them to stock up. Lo and behold, they no longer exist. While they carry the same brand, they have introduced lycra and form-fitting alterations that pinch and do not feel right. I spent that day going to every store in town in the simple and futile attempt to locate a damn pair of socks that i could wear with ease. They no longer exist. My search continues....Yeah, I want so much from life...a damn pair of socks..and no where to be found.
The everyday task of cooking a meal is a complex endeavour. First off, I have to figure out what everyone wants and is willing to eat. Then the grocery list and actual shopping. Being in the kitchen, cooking a meal is a multi-step event that needs careful planning. I frequently talk to myself to help keep me on task and remembering what the next thing is to do. There are also three separate timers that help guide me and keep me from burning and overcooking things. More than once, our smoke alarm has signaled "dinner ready". The average meal probably takes me twice as long to cook and is just another stressful event to try and muddle through.

I like my world inside, mostly due to its low-stress and somewhat predictable nature. I don't have to perform and pretend to be normal. The sometimes overwhelming stress of outside reality will literally throw me into my space so deeply and with great fervor, that its like being locked into a closet. It gets dark and I can't find the door handle to get out even if I wanted to.
The predictability, the patterns I create are so that i can actually have moments, yeah maybe a moment or two where I don't have to actively think. Because the majority of my life, my everyday life, is spent in the thinking process, just trying to get through the day. This is so not a normal, neuro-typical existence....it is so much more work. Some day, I hope to convey that in a depth, meaning and way that doesn't sound so self-pitying and depressing because it is an important point.
You have no idea the sheer amount of work, effort and stress that is required for this aspie to get through an average day. It truly is impossible to fathom. I have great admiration for those aspies who can actually hold down and maintain a job, even a part-time one.
As for parenthood, knowing what I know now,I probably wouldn't have done it. It has not turned out very well. I think my kids suffer needlessly do to my inability to be outside my head and much more aware of who they are and what their needs may be. My focus is so extremely narrow, my introvertedness and hermitage like existence has not allowed me to see their weaknesses and areas needing assistance. My central focus of survival has not helped them in any way, shape or form and having kids was not a really good decision.
But here is where i am....this is what needs doing.

And people ask, I kid you not and this is rather novel...People ask how they can help an aspie. (And I would like to take these requests, mold them into solid form, like a small statuette and set them upon the mantel because they are priceless) So I am going to answer...You keep knocking. And if the door doesn't open, you try again. You don't give up. You make your voice and your physical presence known and available. You listen. You hear. You do not embarrass or make fun of. You do not put the spotlight on. You allow the aspie to be themselves with subtle guidance through the murky waters. You understand or are willing to try and understand that the world is a very scary, overwhelming place and that even simple, mundane tasks require great effort and thought. You realize that your own speech (that which you say when talking to an aspie), is frequently, like trying to decipher a foreign language. You talk slower and listen harder. You are aware that the aspie speaks in a language all their own and try and learn it. You can somewhat grasp the reality that an aspie needs lots of downtime and opportunities to process information. Please don't always expect an immediate answer. You get the idea that emotions and stress can sometimes have a more noticeable, dramatic effect on the aspie. And that Tics Happen, no big deal, just part of being Aspie. Be patient. Be kind. Its really that simple.

Sometimes....Mostly.....Often..the Aspergers Poem

Sometimes I think the truth is just a lie we tell ourselves over and over and over again
Mostly I feel that I am 2% human and 98% alien...I really tried working with this number to bump it up to 5% but it just refused to take
Often I think that NT's flow with the world whereas an Aspie has to learn to navigate and maneuver

Sometimes I think each individual NT is an extremely complex entity that is near impossible to figure out with their unique styles of language, gestures and meanings
Mostly I feel its the Aspie who is
Often I wonder

Sometimes within each moment, I feel like i have lived an eternity
Mostly hours, days and weeks simply pass me by
Often I live within the world of thought, thinking, dwelling over what has been, the infinite possibilities of the future and what the hell am i doing in the present :)

Sometimes I have the most brilliant, crazed, productive ideas
Mostly it amounts to fluff, you know the marshmallow kind that melts in your mouth in an instant never to be seen again
Often I have wondered whether there is more to a good day then figuring out how to get through it

Sometimes it is the little things that truly matter, the small things that have pulled me through
Mostly I try not to let people in on how profoundly caring and how deeply felt their kind gestures have been
Often I wish it were different and i could readily admit it without fear of retribution...people need to know how very much I appreciate them

Sometimes I wish it would stop raining
Mostly I put on my overcoat and waddle through
Often times I wish i had an umbrella

Sometimes I cannot see the horizon
Mostly I stand and watch the mist
Often I pray for the sun

Sometimes I pray for a sign from God
Mostly all I have to do is open my eyes to see it
Often I am asleep

Sometimes the door is open
Mostly it is nailed shut
Often I peek out, when no one is looking

Sometimes the curvature of the earth falsely leads one to believe that the end is near
Mostly I simply don't know
Often I wonder how long I must live in this pit of despair

Sometimes I wish I were you
Mostly I wish you were me
Often times the reverse is true

Sometimes I think that happiness is a myth made up by the evildoers
Mostly I laugh and believe that not true
Often times, I wish I could lighten up and smile more

Sometimes I amuse myself
Mostly, I think, I do it for the tourists
Often times I'm good at it, very good

Sometimes I think, Mostly I am lost (in thought), Often times it is my home and I am comfortable there

Have a good day

The Aloneness...... Aspergers Syndrome and Loneliness

If there is one thing, that I believe a person with aspergers understands much more than the standard neuro-typical it is the intense feeling of aloneness. And maybe, hopefully, I am wrong and some aspies do not experience the brevity and depth of what it feels like to know that no matter where or with whom, you are flying solo.
Eldest and I have discussed this issue at length....we know that we are born alone and have a deep understanding of it.
Aspergers Syndrome is a disassociate state of being...always one step removed from reality
Anyway, this is the beginning of my photo essay album...I miss you

Regarding ADAM the movie and Aspergers

The Truth is a Thing of Horrid, Wretched Beauty

I watched the movie Adam, tonight. It is a story about a man with Aspergers....hmmm, lots of thoughts and feelings on this one.
My first reaction was "this is bad". Do I really look like that much of a doofus? Its one thing to actually be a doofus, it is quite another when you realize others may see you that way.
He seemed like such a simpleton but I can easily remember feeling that way, frequently. Its as if everyone is speaking the same language but you. And you can't even find the dictionary to understand what they are saying.
It feels like being an alien, a foreigner in a very strange land. And you can't pinpoint why, you just know that you are very different.
Embarrassment and humiliation are probably the two worst emotions to feel. They seem to strike the deepest and sharpest. And are the hardest ones to shake and get over.
Yes, a lot of the movie is quite true. The incredible frustration with not being able to go out the door or perform a relatively simple task. I loved the great lengths it took to prepare for the job interview...it took days and days and many hours of rehearsal to get ready.
I must admit that I have much, much more in my freezer than mac and cheese and veggies. But don't make me vary from my coffee and peanut butter toast in the morning...that Is my religion.
The trauma of parties and restaurants was portrayed extremely well. And gave my partner a better understanding. She used to be a go-out-to-eat-at-a-restaurant person and had a hard time adjusting to my rebellion against eating away from home.
The loneliness...the self-abuse..unfortunately frustration expresses itself in many forms.
The fits of rage...while I have heard that this is quite common, it is not something I experience.
The inability to share personal experiences...when his father died and no one at the office knew.
Asking for help, or the inability to ask for help...Wow..true too.
Being lied to, betrayed, having the wool pulled over your eyes..YES..big, big no no's. And the subsequent wanting to burn the bridge..yes. Aspies really want no part of deception in any form.
Aspies are people who take words at their literal meaning and are brutally honest..(ok, gotta tell ya...this one time, at band camp...no, this one time at a friends house..I brought my Aspie 9 year old son. My friend was showing us the house and when we got to her newly painted bedroom,[she had all her clothing strewn on the bed away from the paint] my son said, "This place is a mess." Brutally honest, fer sure.) I guess we expect that others should be just like us. And it is quite an offense to be deceived.
The movie was upsetting because it struck so close to home.
Seeing his struggle was rather painful. I am not sure that I could actually watch it again. And I definitely do not want to share it with my son.
I was enormously pleased with the ending because it showed how against great odds he was able to overcome and succeed. When you live in your own little, highly controlled, regulated and predictable, safe world and can muster every resource you have to take a giant step out..it is an incredible feat of remarkable courage.