Feeling Safe...Aspergers, Autism

I have noticed that I have been using the word "safe" quite a lot in some previous posts. So, since I "go literal" and mean exactly what the dictionary says, and since Most Nts have individualized and highly subjective dictionaries of their own that they use...allow me to explain myself....

Safe: free from danger, damage, harm

(and why is it such a big deal for me?)
I feel safe at my home. I feel safe in my own yard, but venture outside of that perimeter, well, anything can happen and safe level drops considerably.I feel safe in my own home, but only when someone else/ another family member is home with me. (a separate issue that I am working on). I feel relatively safe within my own vehicle. This last week, I felt safe in a strange, foreign environment, to a large degree for hours on end. The latter would be a big first for me.
I feel somewhat safe at my sons school, going for walks in my woods, going to the grocery stores and other local businesses...relatively, somewhat with the biggest unpredictability factor being people.
The more people that there are at any given location, the more likely it is that I will be unexpectedly accosted. (For the uninitiated the dictionary states accost: to approach and speak) I never know who will accost/ speak to me...people talking to me often, though, not necessarily always (I have a number of friends who speak to me and I welcome it and experience no fear) cause me to physically and mentally tense up, go on point, get defensive and basically, stress out. Its just the way it is. I feel that i have covered the whole people talking to me and why it is a stress in some recent, previous posts, so I will not rehash here.
New and strange locations are the biggest offenders as the variables are completely unknown and anything can happen at any moment. So, it surprised me that I felt so almost completely safe during my recent venture. And I really, really like feeling safe. Its nothing but a warm, comforting glow that engulfs and stabilizes. I think it is pretty cool that I get to periodically experience what most people feel on any given day.

One huge factor is the company I keep. Wherever I go with my Partner (and we have traveled quite a bit throughout the US) I experience a stronger level of safe than if I were alone. On my little tripy, I was with someone who I also deeply trusted. Environment..the company I keep is a very large indicator of how safe this Aspie will feel.
I realize now, that feeling safe is a given for most...and that my level of feeling that some people, new environments, different smells and unusual feels are dangerous is outside the normal scope.
I am aware that most NTs walk around wearing a degree of comfortability and that they don't worry that behind a closed door lurks anything other than the safe and familiar. I understand that when someone walks towards them they do not recoil or throw up defensive walls or start searching for the exit. And that every knock on the door is not an intruder, a threat, an accoster..it may just be someone handing out free cookies and milk. Who would have thought?
Its a strange and unpredictable place out there...but its not quite as dangerous and menacing as it was a couple of weeks ago...
Home is safe but once I step outside that door, past the end of my driveway, anything and everyone can happen and the entire ballgame changes. Call it social anxiety, agoraphobia, fear of peoples, general anxiety, whatever, its just the way it is

They Missed Me...Being Away From Home

I just returned from my very first "adventure" of leaving home without/ sans me familia. That would be about 18 years or so.
There was an autism conference, a couple of hundred miles away, and for some serendipitous reason, I found myself invited. I entertained this idea and it really would never have gotten more than a passing, quickly dispersed idle thought except there were a number of variables that allowed me to consider and dwell on this.
A) I was quite familiar and comfortable with the peoples that I would be traveling and rooming with. I trust so very few peoples but these two..well, I actually fully and completely trust. Did I mention that they are autism experts? So, yeah, they get me and I don't have to implement the plethora of stressful strategies and try and pull off looking NT. Ok, thats a huge plus.
B) The subject matter was quite intriguing. Having scoured the internet and various sites and books, I thought that there might be a few things that I did not know...things that had the potential to enlighten me..so, thats good, as well, as I am forever on the enlightenment quest.
C) Curiosity..I had never been to a conference and was quite curious as to what that whole thingy was about. Yes, people had relayed the particulars but I fail to fully understand..hmmm, most things, unless I personally experience them, first-hand.
D) I needed an adventure..something that would take me out of this rut of perpetual thinking about the ..somewhat sad and self-pitious thinking given my current state of surreal reality. I rarely travel and hadn't been more than one hour out of town in over 8 months. One odd thing that this alien with agoraphobic, topographic agnosia has is sporadic, intense longings to see and experience different sights, places and brand new experiences.
So, more on the conference later.
Lots of new and unique features for this Aspie...I was never afraid..I always felt perfectly safe. I did not crave and long to be home. I knew that I would get home safely without any question or worry. The house would still be standing and everyone and everything I loved and liked would still be there.
The toughest part was dealing with the preanticipatory anxiety...the preparation, the ride down, the first "greeting" of the room and finding out that it smelled fine, wasn't poisonous(long story, previous bad experience). And the heater and airconditoner unit actually worked appropriate so I could easily maintain a comfort level there. The water Did smell like sulfuric sewer water so I patted myself on the back for doing my strange ritual of bringing my own palatable, home-grown drinking water. It was actually a necessity.
Anyway, I have to somehow, get back on this singular topic...So...
When I returned home, I guess I never really thought about what to expect in the way of greetings or feelings of Partner and Younglink at my return. remember, Younglink had never been away from me for almost three days and the same goes for Partner. So, I had no real lines of thought regarding this..I just walked in the door and experienced all this new stuff.
First off, it was wonderful to see Partner and I got a huge, warm welcome home hug. It surprised me in how good and comforting that felt. She actually missed me. And the thing that struck me the most, throughout the evening as she asked about my itinerary, was that...she was genuinely deeply concerned, in my absence, with whether or not I was doing okay. I rarely see her worried or concerned that deeply and I was very much surprised and touched that she had that much feeling and emotion. Pretty damn cool.
Younglink...now that was also quite a surprise. His voice was lowered, respectful, almost like he thought I was mad at him and that is why I left. He was very affectionate, very, overly polite and soft-spoken and from the moment I sat down he was glued to my lap and actively engaging me in conversations of a reassuring nature. Yeah, his voice...so very, very different, almost reverent with a slight concern of "do you still love me?" hinting around the edges. I felt bad that the thought of buying him a gift on the trip never once entered my very absorbed mind but luckily, I had chocolate and another little noisemaker party favor from the conference to give him. Yeah, I had no clue and could kick myself for that one...live and learn.
The dog, Shadow, omg, did he miss me and put on this huge happy dance, come pet me and love me because I missed you and have been seriously neglected kindof thing. Kato, the cat..technically my cat because I took his sorry little pleading ass in, also greeted me.
So, yeah, coming home, a brand new experience, was really very cool! I love my family!

Inside My World

Sometimes people say the same thing over and over and fail to ever really explain what they mean.
Frequently, I have been know to say "that I live in my own little world". I think that deserves an explanation. Lets' go there....
I live largely within a world of thought, memories, possibilities and emotations. Its like living in a very large room that is filled with loops, streams, fragments and spheres. At times, it seems very crowded and different shapes vie for my attention. Frequently one of these small floating arenas engulf me and I become engrossed, almost trapped and have a hard time escaping whatever thought or memory has captured my attention. Each shape contains either large or small bits of information. Mostly, I sit back, within myself and am analyzing.
Frequently, I am sure it appears, that my eyes have glazed over and it appears that "no one is home". At those times I am all inside...sometimes pondering, sometimes escaping whatever reality is outside of me and taking place.
Various things, such as "what was that conversation about yesterday" "can I remember it word for word?" "what was meant by thus and such" "did I convey what I needed to?" "when I said thus was I heard?" pertain to previous, mostly recent, conversations. Often, hours or days later, I find things that I missed in the conversation..sometimes very important things.

I have very little interest and awareness of the world outside of myself. I have a very narrow lens and rarely notice things, people, situations, words or ideas, that do not pertain directly to me. I have no interest in false gods, celebrities, current tv programming, popular culture, the latest novel, gossip of any kind, predicting the future or where I want to be five years from now, who is dating who, what the most popular song was in 1952, the latest diet or exercise craze, fads of any kind, and hypothetical what ifs.
The majority of my waking life is consumed with how to get through it, my home, my castle, my friends and my family and keeping myself functional. That takes up about 98% of my every day. Seriously, I wish it were only some bad joke but the vast majority of my day is actively engaged in basic functionality.

Words are mutable things of varying caliber, degrees and with a plethora of meaning depending on context, stress, the particular speaker and the spirit in which they are said....very complex. I can easily spend days analyzing a five-minute conversation....easily. For I do want to understand and comprehend..it just doesn't come easy.
Having to spend so much effort figuring out the words, leaves little time for glances and observations regarding facial expressions and body language. I am simply too focused on the words.
And, yes, most people speak at a normal rate of speed that is far too fast for this and other aspies. Either my word processing program is running too slow or I am actively engaged in trying to remember everything that I need to say and searching for pauses in the chat.
I can spend hours planning a five minute conversation for, say, the next day. I have to figure out my points, what is important and put it in a presentable cohesive, easy-to-understand manner.
Lost in thought...yeah, I am frequently there but it has purpose.

So say that I live in this very large room with floaters. I stand in the middle. There must be a door here somewhere for a connection to the outside. Sure, there is one over there on the right. One small doorway that opens to a very narrow, steep, twisty-turny hallway that is about a mile long. (Yeah, I am usually pretty hard to reach.) Every now and then someone ventures down the hall and knocks at my door...Most of the time, I simple do not hear the knock.The depths, focus can prevent that. Sometimes I do and ignore it. I think, most often, people arrive at the door, sense the...depth and treacherousness of the hallway and fear actually knocking. Can't say that I blame them...it is a most unusual stride to the door.

When I venture out...my view of the world outside of myself, outside of my physical home...
To be honest, its a war zone...a chaotic, ever-changing, daunting and somewhat dangerous place full of unpredictability, unspoken expectations, unwritten rules and a constantly changing landscape of mountains and pitfalls.
I constantly seek safe zones and safe people. When that doesn't work, I resort to using pre-approved patterns and manners of walking, behaviors and mental games to get me from point a to point b.
Stepping outside is sensory overload, pure and simple. Its an assault of the senses, a mental maze and all systems up and running, a time of high alert.
The highest variable is people."Who will I run into?" "What will I say?" "What will they ask?" subject matter, mood, will I be able to read them?
Some days I avoid most people..other days I seek them out.It just depends.
Mostly, life is a wicked game of survival..figuring out the bare minimum of what needs doing outside and staying mostly in. Venturing out requires a great deal of pre-planning and effort.
Little things are big things for the aspie. As an example, one of my current dilemmas is something so small,so simple, so not-an-issue for the nt that I hesitate to mention as I am sure it will induce ridicule and absurdity on some level. I can't find a pair of socks to buy that doesn't feel like sandpaper on my feet. I had a dozen pair of the most perfect of socks, all cotton, black, medium weight and they fit and felt just right. Well, I went and wore them all out, getting holes in the heels and had to start pitching them in the garbage. When I was down to one or two pair, I went to the local store where I had purchased them to stock up. Lo and behold, they no longer exist. While they carry the same brand, they have introduced lycra and form-fitting alterations that pinch and do not feel right. I spent that day going to every store in town in the simple and futile attempt to locate a damn pair of socks that i could wear with ease. They no longer exist. My search continues....Yeah, I want so much from life...a damn pair of socks..and no where to be found.
The everyday task of cooking a meal is a complex endeavour. First off, I have to figure out what everyone wants and is willing to eat. Then the grocery list and actual shopping. Being in the kitchen, cooking a meal is a multi-step event that needs careful planning. I frequently talk to myself to help keep me on task and remembering what the next thing is to do. There are also three separate timers that help guide me and keep me from burning and overcooking things. More than once, our smoke alarm has signaled "dinner ready". The average meal probably takes me twice as long to cook and is just another stressful event to try and muddle through.

I like my world inside, mostly due to its low-stress and somewhat predictable nature. I don't have to perform and pretend to be normal. The sometimes overwhelming stress of outside reality will literally throw me into my space so deeply and with great fervor, that its like being locked into a closet. It gets dark and I can't find the door handle to get out even if I wanted to.
The predictability, the patterns I create are so that i can actually have moments, yeah maybe a moment or two where I don't have to actively think. Because the majority of my life, my everyday life, is spent in the thinking process, just trying to get through the day. This is so not a normal, neuro-typical existence....it is so much more work. Some day, I hope to convey that in a depth, meaning and way that doesn't sound so self-pitying and depressing because it is an important point.
You have no idea the sheer amount of work, effort and stress that is required for this aspie to get through an average day. It truly is impossible to fathom. I have great admiration for those aspies who can actually hold down and maintain a job, even a part-time one.
As for parenthood, knowing what I know now,I probably wouldn't have done it. It has not turned out very well. I think my kids suffer needlessly do to my inability to be outside my head and much more aware of who they are and what their needs may be. My focus is so extremely narrow, my introvertedness and hermitage like existence has not allowed me to see their weaknesses and areas needing assistance. My central focus of survival has not helped them in any way, shape or form and having kids was not a really good decision.
But here is where i am....this is what needs doing.

And people ask, I kid you not and this is rather novel...People ask how they can help an aspie. (And I would like to take these requests, mold them into solid form, like a small statuette and set them upon the mantel because they are priceless) So I am going to answer...You keep knocking. And if the door doesn't open, you try again. You don't give up. You make your voice and your physical presence known and available. You listen. You hear. You do not embarrass or make fun of. You do not put the spotlight on. You allow the aspie to be themselves with subtle guidance through the murky waters. You understand or are willing to try and understand that the world is a very scary, overwhelming place and that even simple, mundane tasks require great effort and thought. You realize that your own speech (that which you say when talking to an aspie), is frequently, like trying to decipher a foreign language. You talk slower and listen harder. You are aware that the aspie speaks in a language all their own and try and learn it. You can somewhat grasp the reality that an aspie needs lots of downtime and opportunities to process information. Please don't always expect an immediate answer. You get the idea that emotions and stress can sometimes have a more noticeable, dramatic effect on the aspie. And that Tics Happen, no big deal, just part of being Aspie. Be patient. Be kind. Its really that simple.

Acheiria...My little Lefty...Momma Screws Up

Well, momma isn't scoring too high these days. My little Sebbie..yes, it was only a month or two ago that we surmised that he was born naturally left handed...you know, the hand he was born without. And for the past...oh, seven years, he has routinely eaten everything from rice to corn to meatloaf, etc...with his right hand. We never forced him to use utensils. Sure, he would frequently use a spoon for applesauce and some fruit but at the dinner table we simply accepted that the standard way for Seb to eat was picking up the food with his right hand, rubbing it on the palm (see photo) of his left arm and putting it in his mouth.
Last night it was chop suey so instead of watching him eat rice single handedly and jokingly calling him a "chinaman". I insisted on his using the fork.
OMG....he picked it up like the most foreign of objects and had no clue as to how to maneuver it to pick up food. He had fork in hand and palm had to work with hand to guide the fork in a very erratic, haphazard fashion to attempt to scoop up some rice. He expressed his dismay and really did not want to use it at all but I showed him by example a few times and continued to encourage him to use it citing the old adage that it will become easier with practice.
I felt pretty much like Queen of the Dopes and worst mom of the year for allowing him to not use his fork for all these years. Had i insisted upon it earlier, we could have more quickly addressed the problem.
Part of me thinks that this is very insulting..to be born brain-wired to use a left hand and then to have said hand be non-existent. Actually, I think it really blows and sucks and is extremely unfair...but life has never been about fairness...rather it is about the ability to face every challenge and circumstance with as much dignity and strength as a person can muster.
Damn, yeah, lets give the one-handed kid an Extra challenge...this does not seem right
So, my action plan which is already in motion, is to notify his occupational therapist (done) so she knows what she is up against, notify his teacher (done) so that she can better understand his lack of legible writing skills, make an appt with his prostetisist to refit his prosthetic helper left so that he can actually wear it without it cutting into his elbow and see if said prost. guy can fit Sebbies helper with some sort of adaptation that may, may allow him to scribble with his left. I have an appt scheduled for friday so we can work on the fit...from then, we will see how quickly he gets used to his "helper hand" and go from there.
It would have been nice to have caught this earlier...it must be awfully frustrating for the little guy...I am so very sorry that I missed this..I mean, who would have thought???? Really???

Distraction....Not Wanting To Go THERE...Coping

Its quite clear that looking at photos was a hmmm, really bad idea, as I feel like I am on a very slippery slope and am descending into the hell of pain, remorse, missed opportunity and extreme sorrow. Man, I really didn't think this one thru and never saw such an emotional reaction coming.
I am not at all happy about where this train is going and the speed with which it is taking me there. I am queasy from the swaying of the lights and the floor that is all atremble. I shudder and quake. In order to avoid the descent, I run, literally, to find the appropriate song to play 150 times to prevent going to that very darkest of stations. If only I could get ahold of the brakeman and make him pull the emergency stop...but he isnt listening to me, no, he has those damn ear plugs in, Again!
I'm fine, really..been here before, just figuring it all out (I'm going to throw my peanut butter toast at the brakeman Really, Really hard and pelt him in the back of the head, that bastard :)

Parenthood...the tv drama

So someone told me about this new show on TV called, "Parenthood" which has a child with Aspergers Syndrome as one of the characters. Its on Tuesday nights, nbc at 10 pm.
The first 5-7 minutes revolves around the family dinner table and everyone is talking at once...this Drama then moves into the kitchen for more of the same. I had a difficult time figuring out anything about anyone those first few minutes and it was all I could do not to change the channel to the Science or History channel. I abhor drama and the confusion and fast talking certainly did not help....So show me this kid with Aspergers Syndrome.
Finally, we get to "Max". He must be about 10 or so. And the tell-tale signs of Aspergers are kinda clear; lack of eye contact, in his own little world, resistance to change, clumsy with physical activities, etc.
His parents responses were typical and well-portrayed. They became quite frustrated at times but really tried to understand and cope as best they could.
In a nutshell, thats really all I can find to say about the show. Maybe I'll feel more loquacious if I catch another episode...Will I make an effort to remember what night its on? I'm not sure....Drama is not my forte.