Prepare to enter the wild and wooly world of an adult with Aspergers Syndrome, a form of autism characterized by intellignce, quirks, social difficulties and downright strange and oddish behaviours.

People with Aspergers generally are high functioning in everyday life but have great difficulty connecting with others due to the inability to read faces, body language and subtle verbal clues. They also tend to take words literally and have a hard time multi-tasking.

Oversensitivity to touch (clothing has to be soft and often the tags removed), light (do not leave home without the sunglasses), sound (loud noises and noisey places are avoided), taste (many Aspies have quite a limited diet and are frequently very picky eaters) and smells makes the everyday existence more of a challenge.

Fasten your seatbelts and come on in...
To find out more about what Aspergers is..please check out my earliest blog entries

Monday, January 10, 2011

Being Alone...Feeling Lonely...

I don't know what it is about the past few days...but I have been caught in quite a personal dilemma. I want to be alone and i shudder at the thought of going out and running into people. I would enjoy going to the gym, I crave a workout, but the mere thought of running into anyone, known or unknown, squashes that possibility.
Its like I want to be alone...but with someone else. I have thoughts to share but I don't want to put out the effort. I feel alone in and amongst myself yet part of me desires human contact.
It seems like I am in a place where I just can't win either way I go.

And there are some things that I really wish I had an answer to... Why is it so damn hard to ask for anything? And why does rejection, saying "no" hurt so bad? It's not like I am a little kid and I can't have cookies fro the cookie jar but the fear of rejection does tend to keep me from asking questions.
Maybe its the whole "oversensitivity" thingy...I don't know.

Seasonal Affective Disorder....It does seem like my sensitivity level does go up and down and I realize that right now it is at a high point. Its really best for me to stay in and work on getting some better shielding in place. So, I guess I will settle for feeling somewhat lonely instead of being easily overwhelmed and unnecessarily hurt by well-meaning or average remarks.
It seems easier to feel alone and slightly lost when the ground and everything is so bare, raw and exposed.

4 comments:

  1. I have the same difficulty of asking people things. A majority of the time it doesn’t occur to me to ask simple questions, figuring that if there was anything going on they would bring up the subject. Or, it plain just doesn’t come naturally to me to wonder about the other elements going in their life. For the most part, this doesn’t bother me. Amongst the numerous co-workers I work with every weekend, I really don’t want to make the mistake of acting interested in their lives. Because then conversations would be dominated by their opinions and beliefs about marriage, parenthood, work, a deluge of boredom just waiting to drown me. It takes nearly all of my effort as it is to maintain the pleasant thoughtful demeanor - rather then just bluntly tell them that they’re boring, stupid, and I have more animated talks with my dog.

    The difficulty in not asking is not having the right people to ask. When I say boring and stupid, I mean it. There aren’t just character traits that I automatically dub on people upon first or second encounters. No, these are careful conclusions based on months (or years) of observation, listening, and paying attention. I give people the benefit of the doubt, a timeline of getting to know them before they fall into any sort of mental category. I have far more respect towards those I consider interesting, funny, and intelligent then those I have to deal with for forty hours a week only because of scheduling and being stuck in the same job. So while there is some familiarity of being in each other’s presences - this doesn’t endear me to them enough to consider them more then co-worker dingle berries.

    Sure, there are rare exceptions. People who have had similar experiences that hide beneath confident facades. It’s not hard to figure these people out. Or maybe it is, it’s just a matter of being able to pick up on the signs. Whether it’s neglect or abuse during their childhoods, barely contained nymphomania, fantasies and fetishes, alcoholism, or whatever - some people drag their closet skeletons along like a second shadow. I know because I’ve done this myself, and the guilt and shame all contribute to that alone feeling. You want to share, to have someone else that understands the depths of despair but what if they reject you, misunderstand you, or judge you?

    I have no real life friends. The few friends I have that I do confide to are online, in other states, distant and far away. I could justify this, make up plausible excuses on why my social contact is limited to co-workers on weekends. I don’t have time for other people. I have a marriage and children to focus on. I have Aspergers and don’t have the overwhelming need or desire for companionship. The list could go on but you get the gist. We find reasons that sound better then we’re holding ourselves back.

    I wish I could offer up advice to diminish that alone feeling, but as you can see I go through that every single day also. I’m not terribly good at positive feedback, the whole “remain strong, this too shall pass” motivational tidbits. So, I’ll just finish up by saying: keep writing. Some people do listen and care, oddly enough I’m one of them.

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  2. You hit the nail right on the head, Bob, with "not having the right people to ask". I feel pretty darn fortunate in that I have a couple of people that I can ask anything and they won't laugh at me. (and lately, why, this past week perhaps, a couple that I used to be able to...well, they have fallen off the list) Shit, that kind of sumarizes it all. (Did you see that light bulb go on over my head?) I guess I don't take well to being made fun of. And I realize that some people I used to be very comfortable with suddenly make me feel uncomfortable.
    Once again, a few well-spoken words of yours find that happy place of resonance within me and some little, odd piece suddenly makes sense.
    "coworker dingle berries"...Nice!
    Yes, I must say that blogging does seem to fill that empty place.
    Thanks Bob!

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  3. Ah I have quite the tendency to do this as well. I haven't been diagnosed with Aspergers, but I feel I understand them much better than NTs whether I myself have it or not. Today is one of those days for me, the kind you just described. Okay, well to be perfectly frank every damn day is like that...I feel intensely lonely, but I'm too anxious to talk to anyone. Not only that, but I keep thinking to myself, "Even if I did talk to anyone right now, they'd probably be exceedingly boring, only bring up small-talk, and I wouldn't get anything meaningful or stimulating out of the conversation." I have plenty of friends, just most of them aren't where I live now (a complicated story). I am going to say one thing for advise though: sometimes it IS better if you just force yourself to be social.

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  4. Hi CeCe, it sounds like you are quite familiar with aspects of the Aspie life. I don't have a formal diagnosis. I figured it out when the doc was describing my sons Aspergers and symptoms. It seems like these every day struggles cause the most grief. I'm sorry you experience this also.
    You have good advice...sometimes you do have to force yourself to e social. Take Care, Amy

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